Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Fantasy


Girl of my dream

by Siddharth

She's there, slumped slightly, tall and lean, her eyes like lapis
Who cannot fall loving with her? I know it's not possible
Her short hair unreal like ocean within the moonlight, her sparkling smile
Her tender voice and her face patterned with little freckles

She cannot know it, however she's the girl of every man's dream
Literally everything regarding her, she's wonderful
She's the simplest person within the world, she's good
I might describe her endlessly

She looks like dying everyday and it physically hurts me
No one that nice or stunning ought to feel like that
Why would somebody thus good wish to end herĀ  life like that?
How did she start to hate herself like that?

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
376 Reviews

Points: 23499
Reviews: 376

Wed Dec 19, 2018 9:01 pm
View Likes
Liberty wrote a review...

Hey Siddharth!

Liberty500 here for a review!

The sentence "Who cannot fall loving with her? I know it's not possible" does not make sense. "Who cannot fall in love with her?" Would make a bit more sense, if you know what I mean. And after the possible there is meant to be a period.

Next! The Literally in this sentemce does not fit in very well. "Literally everything regarding her, she's wonderful"

And, the sentence "She looks like dying everyday and it physically hurts me" does not make sense either. So you might wanna change that sentence somehow. Like, for example, instead of using "like dying" you could use ill?

Over all the poem was quite touching and detailed. Good job!

Keep on writing!


User avatar
19 Reviews

Points: 326
Reviews: 19

Tue Dec 18, 2018 1:16 am
View Likes
Caitlynn says...

I love the meaning, or rather the concept of the poem, and the imagery you use. "Who cannot fall loving with her?" I feel like this line doesn't flow very smoothly. Try changing a few words, or simply rephrase it. "Her short hair unreal like ocean within the moonlight, her sparkling smile." I feel like the word unreal has no purpose with this line, and feel like you should replace it. This poem has a lot of potential, but certain phrases can be worded differently. Keep writing!

User avatar
103 Reviews

Points: 497
Reviews: 103

Mon Dec 17, 2018 3:11 am
View Likes
AmadeusW wrote a review...

This is a very nice poem. Let's get to the review.

"Her eyes like lapis", Isn't the full name lapis lazuli? I think that could work too.

"Who cannot fall loving with her? I know it's not possible" It doesn't make sense the way you worded "Who cannot fall loving with her", I think it would be just fine to say "Who could not fall in love with her?"

"She cannot know it" may sound better by saying "She doesn't know it"

"Literally everything regarding her, she's wonderful" The word "literally" sticks out as being way to informal. I highly suggest finding a better synonym or something.

"Why would somebody thus good wish to end her life like that?" the word "thus" is used incorrectly. Consider using the word "so". "Why would somebody so good wish to end their life like that?"

The ending with a question is all personal preference, but I do think it makes the poem feel slightly unfinished.

Other than all that, this poem is very well thought out, with lots of imagery and imagination, and it really shows the strong feelings you have for this person.

Happy writing!

User avatar
58 Reviews

Points: 15
Reviews: 58

Sun Dec 16, 2018 9:37 pm
RavenBlack wrote a review...

Hi! RavenBlack here! I'm going to comment on this verse by verse if that's alright :)

- I like the use of the simile, 'her eyes like lapis', it not only illustrates her eyes as blue but conveys them to be precious to the narrator. I would've compared it to something common like water or the sky, personally, then it saves the reader searching up the term on Google (because I had no idea what lapis was xD)

-A little bit of a nitpick but the line: 'Who cannot fall loving with her?' doesn't make sense. I'd suggest changing it to 'Who cannot fall in love with her?'

-I personally think the word 'unreal' is a little too dramatic in the third line. When I think of the ocean in the moonlight, I picture it to be mesmerising or picturesque. Whereas the adjective, 'unreal' conveys it to unnatural or something that's not of this world, in my opinion. Unless that was the idea you were going for, I'd suggest changing it.

-Again the adjective you used to describe the woman's smile, in my opinion, doesn't make sense. When I think of something sparkling I think of eyes or teeth but you haven't mentioned teeth in your description, which leaves me confused as to what is sparkling. I'd suggest changing this to something a little more realistic e.g. 'her warm smile'.

-The fourth line is perfect, it illustrates the woman to be a kindhearted soul from the pharse: 'Her tender voice', maybe even timid. Plus it's easy to infer her appearance with the phrase, 'patterned with freckles'.

- I love the first line, it's so romantic and dreamy. The opening, 'She cannot know it...' conveys the narrator to be shy. He's scared of approaching her hence the reason why she will never know his affections. Plus it suggests that maybe there's a reason that he can't be with her. Maybe it's a forbidden love, similar to Romeo and Juliet. But I love that you don't explain the reason, it leaves it ambiguous to the reader.

-I'm not a fan of the use of the adverb, 'literally' at the start of the second line. It makes the poem become informal and loses the mature, poetic style of writing that you've immersed the reader in. I'd suggest maybe changing this or taking it out.

- 'She's the simplest person within the world, she's good'. In my opinion, this doesn't sound romantic as it's not realistic. I know you're trying to paint her as perfect but the adjective, 'simplest' makes her seem plain because there's nothing significant about her, if you get what I mean. More so, 'she's good' doesn't really intrigue me either. I'd suggest changing this to convey her to be more complex.

-The last line of the verse I love! This shows how much the narrator is in love with this woman, the adverb 'endlessly' implying that his love is eternal and the extent of how much he's fallen in love with her.

-The first line of this verse is so sad and changes the tone of the poem really well. The implication that the woman is dying, makes me think that time has passed and she's gotten old yet his love still burns for her. Plus the phrase: 'it physically hurts me' implies that maybe he's suffering from heartache, which also suggests he's also of old age. The only thing I'd say about this line is to rewrite it as: 'She looks like she's dying everyday and it physically hurts me'

-I think you could've used better adjectives in the second line e.g. 'No one that beautiful should feel like that'. But that's just my opinion. Plus take out the verb 'ought' as it feels out of place in this poem.

-Did you mean: 'somebody this good...' or 'somebody thus good...'. If you meant the later I'd suggest changing it to the former because the use of Old English doesn't work in this poem because you haven't used it consistently.

-I love how you ended the poem on a question, it leaves the reader wondering about the answer. But in my opinion, I felt that the ending was abrupt, I was expecting more as I felt that there was more to be said but again that's just my opinion.

Overall I love the idea behind the poem and I think in places you wrote really well and used good descriptive techniques, whereas in other places I felt like there could've been some changes made. I'm sorry if I came across as harsh, I didn't mean to be, I just wanted to be honest so that you can improve :)

Keep Writing :D

Siddharth says...

Thanks for the Comprehensive review %uD83D%uDE04%uD83D%uDE04
It's reviews like this that help the writer grow

Liberty says...

Those are some very wise words Siddharth!

In short, Mrs. Pontellier was beginning to realize her position in the universe as a human being, and to recognize her relations as an individual to the world within and about her.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening