Published July 6, 2011
Rain, a 13 year old girl, has gone through alot in her life, her parent's recently died 3 1/2 months ago and she is staying with her abusive uncle Matt. In fear of what her uncle might do Rain hide's it the best she can. The bruises are getting harder and hard to explain.
Sorry but it's late this is all I'll give you tonight
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...well this one seems to be pegged down as a bit of a intro that the comment there at the bottom seems to suggest is perhaps a tiny bit incomplete here..but hmm, to me I think this short piece here could work quite well as a very short summary of the story r more like something of a blurb of sorts with the general tone that this piece here appears to be aiming for.
At any rate, diving a little bit further into this story itself, this looks like a pretty solid premise. Its probably not the most unique on, I've seen plenty of versions of similar plotlines being tossed around fairly often, but this is something that you can definitely build a unique version around quite easily if you bring across the characters well. It seems like it will be a mostly character driven one, and the premise certainly is the type that will be able to hook the readers to a story.
Overall, I think this makes for a good start here, it certainly sounds like it will be something that can be a pretty interesting story, but it is a bit of a sensitive, the effectiveness of the story is going to solely rely on how good the characters end up being.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
For an intro... It's too... lacking. You want to grab the attention of the reader, rather than just simply throwing out a cliched concept and expecting people to like it.
Rather than using this:
You should consider using something with more flair, such as
Or something like that. Your intro was too simplistic, uninteresting. It sounds like an okay concept, but you just need to introduce it better to stir up interest.
I need a little bit more here to keep hooked. It was great idea behind it so far..but you need more.
A few suggestions:
-A lot is two words
-Add a period at he end of, "in her life"
-Begin new sentence with "Her parents"
-Should write out 3 1/2
-Need's a comma between "uncle might do" and "Rain"
-Maybe start this with "But" instead and then add a little closing to the sentence?
-Thinks that in the last sentence, "hard" is supposed to be "harder?"
I agree with the other person who made corrections too.
With a few quick changes, this piece will be a great intro.
Continue writing,
-Brie
I agree with him. It is too short for a beginning. I'm interested, but I'm not completely hooked. I need more
. Keep writing your story! I wanna hear more!
Well...this would certainly make a good summary. For an intro, it's a bit short. You need a hook, something to make the reader interested in what's going to happen next. The fact of an abusive uncle is out of the ordinary, but on its own it fails to stand out immediately. Since this is an intro, maybe give us a better idea of who Rain is, and how she's feeling about the death of her parents. Nothing too major, just a bit of getting to know her.
Also, it should be 'The Girl in the Corner.'
I hope this wasn't too harsh. I really do think you've got a good start. Please do let me know when you post an update; consider me your humble reader.