Lyndsey Loves Daphne Loves Derby
written January 16, 2007
I hate you and your
broad shoulders
pompous mouth
big word collection
and what does that even mean anyway
when you get like this I want to
draw my gun but hold the fire, not just
yet, what can I get out of you
that was a smart ass response and you
know perfectly well that these are tears in my
eyes. I should have known it
would blow up in my face, third degree
burns (instead of your lips) on mine;
your superficial depth tugging at my
charred remains and can I just say
you are just about as deep
as that puddle of vomit I just choked out
and you’re just about as attractive as you are
deep. but don’t worry, everyone is always
as pathetic as they think they are.
it’s just too bad you aren’t mine.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
brad:
regarding the first issue, it was not my intent evoke emotion. however, i am smarter than to shirk off your comments, and know that i have to make changes in order to make the piece fluid. i'm just not at a point where i can do that right now -- the writing is still too fresh, the issue is still causing me too much pain to look at objectively.
with your second remark, i would like to hear why i've failed at the transition from a surreal to directed, dark tone, and what i can do to remedy that.
i didn't like your revision to the middle of my piece, mostly because it didn't keep with the tone. also, i don't use words like "teary" or "cold depth," and that wording just seems so proper and therefore (again) inconsistent with the tone. i do, however, appreciate your attempt to build upon the ideas i have there, and your acknowledgement of the fact that i do have some salvagable images.
thank you,
lyndsey
Shriek -
I don't share the enthusiasm of the other readers for two reasons. You have some real problems here.
1.) I disliked both the opening and the close of this because they lack the fortitude to actually evoke an emotion, and, less importantly, in isolation, they appear to come from different poems.
2.) The middle of the piece is strengthened by clear, appropriate remarks, and then weakened by ineffective stream-of-conscious writing. The poem fails in its transition from surrealism to a directed, darker tone.
Here are the best lines of the piece, with some minor tweaking and so on.
When you get like this I want to
draw my gun and hold the fire.
You know these teary eyes are yours;
I should have known it would blow
up in my face, third degree burns
(instead of your lips) on me.
Your cold depth tugging at my charred
remains--and can I just say
everyone is always as pathetic
as they think they are.
Best,
Brad
TBR: i love you.
cadmium: ah, thank you. that was a nice response. i understand that i need punctuation, but i'm just afraid that too much of it will screw things up.
does "your lips on mine" really not make sense? i thought it was perfectly clear. sigh. i guess i'll rework it. thanks for the help, much appreciated.
leonheart: thank you kindly. i guess i need to find a way to keep the rage but add clarity. will work at it.
long-winded.... very long winded. but for once, it works. i agree with everyone else, it needs punctuating. some of the things just need breaking up to make it easier to read. right now, its just all one thing, and its not paced. you have to break it up to make it how you want it read. from the start until about 3 lines from the end, there is no full stops, an hardly any commas. i think it needs mainly commas than stops, that keeps the angry ranting attitude that you capture.
good use of imagery, and with the punctuation clearing up, it will work excellently. and Cadmium got my only other problem. the first quote used in her post, i didn't understand it either, so that needs rectifying. loved the poem in general though
Wow, that's some strong emotion. It took me a couple read-throughs to actually understand it, though. Each phrase is very drawn out and complex, so I think it would be easier for the reader to understand if those were cleared up a bit, so use some more punctuation, or shorten them. It needs to keep its rant-like quality, so don't completely simplify them!
The tone was great; so angry!
I don't understand what the "mine" is referring to. The face? Lips? Either way, I couldn't get it from the context, and the sentence doesn't make sense, so definitely rephrase that.
This part was difficult to understand the first time through. I think some simple punctuation would really help there. Commas, really, all you need.
Colleen
One thing that irritated me was there was really no punctuation at the end of stanzas' until the last one, where there were 3 periods. Otherwise there was a few annoying commas... commas annoy me
KEEP WRITING I NEED TO READ SOMETIME!!!
I liked it though. I have been this girl, and felt like her... ... dun dun dun! It was a very... intense poem however, lol, good nonetheless.