As nations tried to rise above the other
There was a thing that had them bother
That was power, which was a big concern
Which was needed for them, for their future to turn.
Steam power would help it get solved,
But there still was a plan in fault
They needed something that burned bright
And quantity that had a great height.
They found at last, a thing black in view
It was coal, my friend, a player new
It helped the problem to be solved,
But there still was in plan a fault.
It burned a lot and left out smoke
That slowly made people to choke.
The scientist also, found out at last,
That it would be depleted very fast.
Now there was a need to find something
That produced power and left harmful nothing.
The saviour, then, was found at last
Which cleared the faults of past
Its name was kept as ASE
In long, Alternative Sources of Energy.
They are renewable and last very long,
And also sing, for us, an inaudible song,
Saying, ''We aim to keep a cleaner nature,
So that they are enjoyed by generations future.
We just need more boost to get this done,
And bring in people's lives happiness and fun.
So please help us make a cleaner Mother Nature,
But first start from yourself and none other!''
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Hi Shre! My name is Solvy and I'm here to review. I'll start off by saying that this is probably one of my favorite topics; thinking of "progress" of civilization as chaos is just something that should humbles us and open our eyes. I absolutely adore it. However, when it comes to the poem, I would love to see breaks from line to line, because I feel like there's not enough space for your readers to stop and think about your message in depth. In other words, I would consider writing stanzas.
There's this other thing that caught my attention, and that was the last line; I feel like it doesn't flow as well as the others and it sounds like a dissonant music note in a waltz. I mean, perhaps it wouldn't have mattered if the rest of the poem did not flow as it does, but I felt like it lacked a little work there. Sometimes I think of poems as if you were having guests over... If you're nice to your guests the whole evening, but then you just run off saying, "OMG! Granny made cupcakes. Gtg bye!", and you don't say goodbye in your front porch properly, what will they think? XD Will they come back? Hahah. I hope that makes sense.
You did a great job though! So keep writing.
Hi Shreyash,
This is a good poem. I especially like the topic and how you move through the ages with what we thought would be the best thing. However many times through this poem the rhyme scheme is off. From what I can tell, you went with an aabb format except you either stretched some of the rhymes very thin or you broke this format which is a big no-no, unless you are writing free form.
I feel like if you sat down and either chose a rhyme scheme that fit your poem better, or you changed it to free form it would make this poem better. But because you chose to rhyme some lines and not others it just throws off the flow.
Overall this is a good poem from a topic standpoint, but from a rhyming standpoint it could use some work. As always, keep writing.
-Incohesive Scribbles
Hi! Shine here to review your awesome literature.
So, first things first, you better of gotten an amazing grade on this, otherwise I'll be having a talk with your teacher. Next, your flow is good, I enjoyed how well you made these words work together, although, I have a few minor issues with a couple of the stanzas.
"It burned a lot and left out smoke
That slowly made people to choke."
The 'to' in the last stanza is unnecessary, but it's completely up to you if you'd like to change it. Now, next:
"But there still was a plan in fault
They needed something that burned bright
And quantity that had a great height.
They found at last, a thing black in view
It was coal, my friend, a player new
It helped the problem to be solved,
But there still was in plan a fault."
Within these two stanzas, you have an amazing flow and punctuating words that bring your point to another level, BUT, I have a problem with the word 'fault' being used twice. Perhaps, instead of using 'fault' in the last stanza, you could use 'involved', or a word that both rhymes with 'solved' and also makes sense, as you already are. Though, again, it's completely up to you whether or not you change it.
I think that's all. Keep up the good work, and I hope to see more from you soon!