It's the middle of the night, all I can hear is my AC unit outside my window and the shivering sound of the rain crashing onto my window. All I can think about right now is how terrible my nights have been the past week, nothing but tapping and tapping and tapping, like a rhythm you'd hear in kids stories. Then I hear it again. The Tapping continues, harder and harder every tap. Then softer and softer until it stops.
Then it continues again. And again. And again. Every night has been like this for about a week. No one believes me. Not my friends, family, not even my therapist believes me. They just say it's a nightmare. Yeah, it is, a real nightmare for sure. That's not the end of it, when I'm washing clothes, scrolling through Facebook, watching TV or even eating. In those dark corners the lights never fully illuminate, I see him. The Pale Man. Thin arms, thick body, blood red eyes and glowing white pupils. The mouth a perfect circle filled with teeth, like a shark.
I see him here and there, only when I least expect him to show. Then, once I try to push him away from my house, he's gone, in the blink of an eye. I've called the police several times, and several times they've found NOTHING. Nothing. At. All. It's like he's not real, but I know he is. He is. He has to be real. As my eyes finally close to the silence of no more noise or tapping of the lights, I can't help but feel like I am being watched, like the Pale Man is watching over me, waiting for the right moment to do whatever it is he wants to. Some nights I leave the light on just so the feeling can start to ebb, even that can't stop the eeriness of my nights.
Days later, I find myself finally without seeing the Pale Man at all, watching a football game in peace in what feels like eternity. Score and one team, two scores on another. God, I forgot how boring this sport is, yet I find myself so drawn to it now that the silence screams into my ear once again. Then, there it is, the tapping noise returns once more.
It's coming from my room, the noise isn't stopping, going and going, tapping and tapping as though it is trying to tell me something. To tell me to leave, to never return. Like it is warning me, warning me that something here looms that I have yet to uncover, something that I shouldn't uncover, yet I am drawn to the ever continuing beating heart of the tapping. Each step I take sounds like an earthquake coming closer and closer as the tapping gets more vigorous.
Then, once I get to my door, the noise stops. Silence enters my mind once again, at least, I thought it did. As I put my ear to my door, I hear it. I hear the sound of light breathing at my door... Why?
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137,010 Literary Works • 671,914 Reviews
Hi Shredder!
I liked the premise of your story. It actually really reminds me of Edgar Allen Poe's Tell Tale Heart and The Raven combined. Even though those are poems, they are very story-like. I think this could be a great start to a spooky story! I did notice some things that might help with your overall writing in future. I listed them below. Happy Writing!
Maybe vary your word usage with "window" twice in the same sentence.
This is redundant as you told us it had been about a week earlier in the story.
Not my friends, not my family--not even my therapist. I feel like an em dash would emphasize the point here better.
Consider putting a period after "That's not the end of it" instead of a comma
Maybe remove those and add the word where here. "In dark corners,*where* the lights never fully illuminate".
This is a very looooong sentence. You may consider breaking it up into at least 2.
This sentence needs to be restructured. You could say "Days later, I find myself without seeing the Pale man at all. I was finally able to watch a football game in peace after what felt like an eternity"
Maybe a typo? Was this supposed to be "Score *on* one team, two scores on another."?
Thanks for your tips, and yes it was a typo, I meant to put "Score on one team, two scores on another". Either autocorrect or I put "and" for some reason, either way thanks for your input!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the wretched S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - The protagonist hears a strange tapping every night from an entity known as the “Pale Man”. They don’t hear it one day, but as they get closer to their bedroom, they do…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like that as the narrator draws closer to the door, they hear breathing and don’t know why. This shows that they’ve gotten too comfortable and that the horrors are waiting for them when they feel the most safe. I also like the way you described the Pale Man, he sounds like pure nightmare fuel.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a lovely little short story about the horrors at night! I have enjoyed reading this and I will be certain to read more stories from you! Especially concerning the Pale Man…anyway…
I wish you a fabulous day/night! ^v^
I think you should continue this story! You've already set up an excellent tone and setting for the story. You could add more details regarding the protagonist's personality, background, and just how their spooky experiences began in the next part. If turning this work into a full-length novel is too exhausting, I could easily see this work becoming a wonderful short story or novella, especially if traditional publishing isn't your goal for this work. Your writing style is great!
I definitely plan on it! I just want to see a few more reviews of what people think, then I'll see about continuing the story!
Hi! This was a neat and creepy little story. I enjoyed reading it, though it left me with more questions. Who is the pale man? What does he want? Why does he make a tapping sound? There's a lot more you could explore here if you ever turned this into a longer piece, or wrote a second part.
I like the atmosphere that the opening invokes, but you could make it a bit more dramatic/suspensful. Here, you should separate it into two sentences to make more structural sense, and get rid of the repetition of 'window.'
'It's the middle of the night. All I can hear is my AC unit outside my window and the shivering sound of rain crashing into it.' see how it's a bit more punchy? that's just my suggestion, you should play around with it!
Here, the 'all I can think about' is repeated from the first sentence. Maybe just say 'My nights have been terrible over the past week. Nothing but that sound: tapping and tapping and tapping, like a rhythm you'd hear in kids' stories' for example. 'Kids' should also have an apostropher : kids'
No need to capitalise the t in tapping. This is a good sentence that is building suspense.
This is so creepy, I really like this part.
A really good mix of sentence types here. You go from short to long, showing how being scared can disorientate our thoughts.
Hmm this is a lot of telling. I know this is a short piece and you're mostly just telling us what is happening, but I think the football game is random. If you drew the story out more, made it longer, you could have the character in a scene with some dialogue, going to the game, thinking everything is okay, interacting with people; show us that they think its all over.
Nice, a creepy ending there. Will there be a second part? I hope so.
I do very well plan on adding more parts, possibly a full book but a lot of the stuff that seemed too short or underdeveloped was because I just wanted to get my idea outta my head and see what people thought. Also I didn't capitalize the t in tapping in that one sentence, it was autocorrect and I just forgot to change it lol.