Shraz wrote:Young girls with delicate fairytales age into winter,
[color=red]?face stroked with commercial whites and blacks and browns.? (What???)
A geisha’s mask, cold on sickly skin,
thin blue veins crawl weakly under pale skin.
Painted red lips stretch in an empty fox grin
a saccharine smile carved unto(onto) cracking lips.
Her puppet eyes burn out,
neon chalk washing off the sidewalk,
Long fingers smear her lipstick unto her chin.
In her cold bed she drifts away to mayfly dreams,
thoughts spiraling in helpless circles deeper into winter.
But tomorrow is a new day,
And she carves her bitter hope deeper into her flimsy skin.[/color]
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I'd appreciate any helpanyone could give me, pointers, advice, whatever, especially because i have to turn this in by friday for my lit class. help!
I like this but the bits in red I wasn't keen on.
I haven't got much time to critique this but please please don't think that its because its bad..... You had some good imagery etc but I really must be going now.
lexy xxx
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