Butterfly in December

by Shraz
  • October 25, 2006
  • Poetry
  • Lyrical

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Comments & reviews · 5
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lexy
Review
lexy wrote a review · Mon Nov 06, 2006 12:30 pm

Shraz wrote:Young girls with delicate fairytales age into winter,
[color=red]?face stroked with commercial whites and blacks and browns.? (What???)
A geisha’s mask, cold on sickly skin,
thin blue veins crawl weakly under pale skin.
Painted red lips stretch in an empty fox grin
a saccharine smile carved unto(onto) cracking lips.
Her puppet eyes burn out,
neon chalk washing off the sidewalk,
Long fingers smear her lipstick unto her chin.
In her cold bed she drifts away to mayfly dreams,
thoughts spiraling in helpless circles deeper into winter.
But tomorrow is a new day,
And she carves her bitter hope deeper into her flimsy skin.[/color]


~~~~~~~~~~
I'd appreciate any helpanyone could give me, pointers, advice, whatever, especially because i have to turn this in by friday for my lit class. help!


I like this but the bits in red I wasn't keen on.
I haven't got much time to critique this but please please don't think that its because its bad..... You had some good imagery etc but I really must be going now.
lexy xxx

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Via
Comment
Via commented · Sun Nov 05, 2006 8:47 pm

the imagery in this is ridiculously awesome! bravo, I say!

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Fireweed
Review
Fireweed wrote a review · Fri Nov 03, 2006 3:27 am

I liked this, it had some really awesome imagery. I liked the lines about geishas. But like Pandora said, it seemed a bit lacking in meaning, or perhaps I just don't understand it. Anyway, I enjoyed it, but it was rather confusing. It definitely has potential, though.
Oh, and I really liked the last line. It was a powerful way to end the poem.
You have something going here for sure... With a little revision I think this could be a great piece.

Welcome to YWS!

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pandoraswritings
Comment
pandoraswritings commented · Wed Oct 25, 2006 10:33 pm

Shraz,
Welcome to TYWS.
I liked this. It was very nice, but it had little meaning behind it. I understand how butterflies are delicate like she was, but I was not certain that I liked all of it.

Keep trying!

Pandora

User avatar
Incandescence
Review
Incandescence wrote a review · Wed Oct 25, 2006 7:13 am

Hi Shraz,


Welcome to the YWS Poetry forum.

The title sets a pretty significant hurdle in terms of challenging you to write something more than an illustration of fragile, floundering life in winter. I don't think this poem clears the hurdle.

It's reasonably tight but could be a lot tighter since nothing between L7 and L12 seems to develop the theme in any substantial or interesting way.

As it is, the first part is competent, the second is baggage.

Good luck sorting it all out.


Best,
Brad



Every time I’ve gotten feedback that was hard to take it was usually hard to take because there was truth in it and I didn’t like that (or didn’t want to receive it). That’s not to say all harsh feedback is good or that we should be harsh for harshness’ sake, but learning to absorb truth without letting it break your inner core/break you is a lifelong skill that keeps your mind elastic and open to learning.
— soundofmind