Published October 25, 2006
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141,298 Literary Works • 674,336 Reviews
I like this but the bits in red I wasn't keen on.
I haven't got much time to critique this but please please don't think that its because its bad..... You had some good imagery etc but I really must be going now.
lexy xxx
the imagery in this is ridiculously awesome! bravo, I say!
I liked this, it had some really awesome imagery. I liked the lines about geishas. But like Pandora said, it seemed a bit lacking in meaning, or perhaps I just don't understand it. Anyway, I enjoyed it, but it was rather confusing. It definitely has potential, though.
Oh, and I really liked the last line. It was a powerful way to end the poem.
You have something going here for sure... With a little revision I think this could be a great piece.
Welcome to YWS!
Shraz,
Welcome to TYWS.
I liked this. It was very nice, but it had little meaning behind it. I understand how butterflies are delicate like she was, but I was not certain that I liked all of it.
Keep trying!
Pandora
Hi Shraz,
Welcome to the YWS Poetry forum.
The title sets a pretty significant hurdle in terms of challenging you to write something more than an illustration of fragile, floundering life in winter. I don't think this poem clears the hurdle.
It's reasonably tight but could be a lot tighter since nothing between L7 and L12 seems to develop the theme in any substantial or interesting way.
As it is, the first part is competent, the second is baggage.
Good luck sorting it all out.
Best,
Brad