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Legend of Xuin: Prologue Review #1

by Shoryu

Published April 14, 2008

Prologue

A boy stood in front of a giant troll, on a vast mountain top. Snow blew from all sides with fierce winds pushing them. Behind the troll was a frost covered bridge which led to an ice castle atop a different mountain which held someone dear to the boy.

The boy studied the troll, it was massive, had a dark blue tone to its skin with brown warts spread throughout its body, and it had nothing on except for one piece of hide that covered its legs. The troll also had a large wooden club with nails in it.

The boy was small and insignificant compared to the troll, he had on thin armor with a cloak on top, and was equipped with a blade which was sheathed on his back.

The troll finally spoke, “Well aren’t you going to say something?”

“Well I was waiting for you to do something, but now that you ask yes.” The boy replied.

The troll just waited for the boy to continue, which he did,

“I need you to step aside and let me pass onto the castle.”

The troll just shook his head and replied,

“My job is to guard this bridge and make sure no one passes.”

“Well then I guess you’re going to have to break the rules, aren’t you?”

“Are you challenging me human?”

“Well that just depends if you think you can take me.”

“Take you where?”

“I forgot how stupid trolls were” The boy said under his breath.

“You call me stupid! Nobody calls me stupid and gets away!” The troll shouted.

The troll quickly grabbed his club and swung at the boy.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Azila
Review
Azila wrote a review Review · Apr 14, 2008

Hello! Are you new to the YWS? I don't think I've seen you around before. Welcome!

-Nitpicks-

Snow blew from all sides with fierce winds pushing them.
Pushing who? I think you mean to say that the wind is pushing the snow flakes, but it kind of sounds like it's blowing your characters. ^_~ Maybe try saying something like: "Snow flakes blew from all sides with fierce winds pushing them onwards."

Behind the troll was a frost covered bridge which led to an ice castle atop a different mountain which held someone dear to the boy.
I think the bold part should be "frost-covered"

The boy studied the troll, it was massive, had a dark blue tone to its skin with brown warts spread throughout its body, and it had nothing on except for one piece of hide that covered its legs.
I believe the comma after "troll" should be a colon.

“Well I was waiting for you to do something, but now that you ask yes.” The boy replied.
The period after "yes" should be a comma and "the" (after that) should be lowercase.

“Are you challenging me human?”
There should be a comma after "me"



Education is education. We should learn everything and then choose which path to follow. Education is neither Eastern or Western; it is human.
— Malala