Published June 3, 2008
In a backyard of Chicago,
Another wave has crashed,
You're the only one that breaks away,
In the same,
We'll unite soon.
I've got reasons to believe,
You lied through your teeth,
My dreams speak the truth,
I deserved better than that,
Everyone is watching you.
We're in slow motion now,
Scattered like debris,
Will I ever see your face again?
No more talk of love,
I'll wander the streets forever.
I'm lacking medication,
We dance around our words,
A shade of red in sight,
Symphony of sorrow,
Wake me now.
Close the door,
Cave in,
Get tired,
But count me out,
Find something that's different,
Beside this inevitable nightmare. . .
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Canary word: Present
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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
Really goood! It definitley has some heart in it and the descriptions are amazing. One thing though, I agree with what someone said already, you should take out this part though
I personally find it disrupts the flow ever so slightly, not by a lot, but I think taking it out could make it better =]
Other than that, superb poem! =]
I really liked this. I felt the flow was very smooth. I also felt that the descriptive words you used, brought out the imagery through you words. It was very good. Do keep in mind, not every line has to start with a capital letter. I really liked it. Well done!
Josh
yeah i think the poem is cool and all but it does have a different feel to it when you read it without the second stanza. so i hope you tried it. it is also good the way it is though i hope you took to heart what everyone said you'll find they had some good points.
- Read your poem without the second stanza and without "Will I ever see your face again?" and I think you will be surprised.
- Consider using some periods. Crashed. Period. Around our words. Period. I'm lacking medication. Period. Etc. Period.
- Ending...
- Nice, you definitely have a voice that is seeking, and shows a promise beyond your years.
Thank you BigBadBear!
Now that I've made that changes to the poem, it somewhat seems to flow better than before, possibly because it's without the f word.
Much smoother poem now!
Thanks again for reviewing!
Review my other works in the future!
Hey! Welcome to YWS!
This is a pretty decent poem you have here. Although... I would cut out the 'f' bomb because it doesn't add anything to the story except less readers. (If it has the 'f' word in it, you have to rate this R.)
So, I would cut it out. More people are more likely to read a PG13 than a R.
These edits will help this go smoother.
This is a pretty good poem. I liked it. Not much to say, although I would cut out the 'F' word.
-Jared