Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well this was a pretty nice yet kinda of just meh story. I mean don't get me wrong. There are some beautiful descriptions in here and you've done a really good job with bringing to life what is a really realistic sounding family here. The thing is that it doesn't seem like there's really a purpose to all this. Its just this glorified morning routing and that's done all really well and its pretty sweet but the thing is that none of this lends itself to a story all that well at all.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I was thrown headfirst at the window. Before I could break glass, I awoke with the sound of static. My dreaded alarm was demanding me to wake; I turned it off before I meditated on where to throw it. I viewed the sky from my room, no sun, but the alarm read 7:15 am. I always knew that school didn't start until 8:15, but waking up early gave me excess time for making myself ready for school, eating breakfast, going on the computer, and finishing any homework. I could always x out finishing homework because I always finished it the day it was given, and getting myself ready for school wasn't laborious. I sprung from bed, now realizing the alarm read 7:20 am. I took a brief shower, threw some clothes on, and went downstairs to the kitchen. My mother was sitting at the kitchen table, sipping her coffee and watching the news.

Well that was a bit of a long and slightly awkwardly paced paragraph to start things off with. It just seems to be going on and on there for perhaps just a bit too long with just how much stuff is actually packed in there. I believe I can spot an entire morning routine just in that one thing. You really need to try and tone down on the information there at least a little.

"Hey dad." I again vocalized, but by this time I had already began to cook my two bagels.

Okayy...pretty nice detail to mention there.

I went over to an open window and looked outside, the clouds were still and gray, with the smell of rain approaching. I strolled up the stairs to get a jacket and heard my brother and sister awake. I seized a jacket, went to my brother's room, turned on the light. He made an inaudible sound and turned over to the other side of his bed. I then went to my sister's room, opened the door, and saw her straightening her hair. She couldn't hear the door open most likely because of her music that was on. TICK! I went down the stairs to get my bagels.

And now we have even more of his morning routine. Perhaps even a bit too much at this point. Also that random 'TICK!' in the middle of things is very awkward and it just doesn't seem to make any sense for it to be there.

As I finished eating my first bagel, my brother and sister raced down the stairs, as the clock read 7:45 am. Dean, my younger brother in the seventh grade, looked as if he just woke up. Theresa, my younger sister in the eighth grade, appeared as if she had just returned from a salon. In appearance, they seemed like total opposites, but they were about the same intelligence to me. They both made A / B grades, like myself, and it seemed as if a challenge to the both of them as to who could get more A's. They looked up to me, asked for advice, followed my lead in grades, and wanted to go with me everywhere I went.

Well those are some pretty quick descriptions. Should be interesting to see if this all factors in to the ending or else it would just be a whole bunch of information without any real reason for it to be there.

They gave me a hug, kissed mom, and left out the door to their bus stop. I did have a car, and could drive them to school, but I usually rode with my other friends. It was a way to save gas. I completed eating my second bagel, went to the living to grab my backpack, and read the clock that told me it was now 7:50 am. I texted Gabe to tell him I was ready, and went back into the kitchen. It usually took Gabe about two minutes to get to my house, since he lived in the neighboring community, but sometimes he would be playing video games.

Okayy and more routine stuff. So far only the really nicely depicted family dynamic is feeling like its actually telling us stuff. These other descriptions just feel like a whole bunch of narration that's just randomly going on.

I opened the front door and felt the embrace of the wind. I locked up and heard the sound of techno music approach. I looked at my phone, 7:51 am, Gabe was a minute early today. He honked the horn. I opened the "co-pilot" door and got in. Gabe had focused on his music and left Angie, Jynx, Lucas, Dan, and myself, to watch him dance the whole ride to Chestwood High School.

And I guess off they go. I'm curious whether this is meant to be the first chapter of something bigger or is it just a standalone story. And I ask this because as a stand alone story this just feels like it doesn't really have anything happen in it.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a fun little story to read even if the plot of it was a little janky and didn't seem to even really exist. Still the scene itself was a really well done bit of family relationships and the dialogue and all felt pretty realistic and very believable as things that might actually happen in everyday life. And that's about all that I've got to say here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey, Shinox!

Welcome to YWS. ^_^ Before you get properly started, though, you're going to want to do some critiquing. It's fun, and it will help you out a lot in your own writing. Here's a list of links to get you started.

I've got to say, I really like your title--often, you kind of have to stumble upon books, which is hard for a person who likes to look at the title, the front flap, and then decide it's too expensive to buy anyway. I also really liked the fact that you had a character with a relatively stable home life. It seems like the bulk population of YWS characters are trailer-trash orphans with brutal pasts, so.

A few things to talk about, though...

CONTRADICTIONS, CONTRADICTIONS

I always knew that school didn't start until 8:15, but waking up early gave me excess time for making myself ready for school, eating breakfast, going on the computer, and finishing any homework. I could always x out finishing homework because I always finished it the day it was given, and getting myself ready for school wasn't laborious.

When you're writing, you always want to avoid contradicting yourself. In the paragraph before this one, you made a big deal about having Jackson wake up early enough to do these things, and then...it's not quite worth it, is it? The build-up feels to your readers like "wasted words", which is always something you want to avoid.

He made an inaudible sound

Even small contradictions are going to make your readers stop and puzzle over them--in a bad way. Making an inaudible sound means that he did nothing, so why comment on it? Instead, choose details and adjectives that make your words count.

WHY YOUR ENGLISH TEACHER WAS WRONG

I vocalized while staring into the pantry.

Your English teacher was wrong. All these years, all these lies... Essentially? Using anything but the word "said" in dialogue is clunky and will make you look the perpetual noob. The easiest way to avoid repetition, if that's what you're afraid of, is sprucing up your dialogue so that you don't need tags.

How do you do that? It's all a matter of simple characterization. Try to limit character interactions to two or three people, but if you can't do that, make character quirks strong enough to figure out who's who. You know when a friend calls you and their voice sounds odd on the phone, you can still figure out who it is by the content and tone of their message? It's kind of like that.

Here's a quotation from Suzanne's God Still Loves You, which you might want to check out if you want more guidelines for characterization.

“So, did you find her husband?”

“No, she like… Well I looked around and it turns out her husband was dead too, so. Ghosts can be weird. They just don’t pass on. I tried asking her if she was in purgatory but--”

“Dude.” Lucy nudged me. “Some chick is staring at you.”

See how there are no tags to this dialogue, but each character is distinct, in content and tone? That's an easy way out of the "said" dilemma, but it takes a lot of work with characters. Fortunately, that kind of stuff is really fun to work out. It's a lot better than hitting the thesaurus, at least.

INDIANA JONES AND THE ANNOYINGLY PERSISTENT ALARM CLOCK

The one thing thing that your story lacked was action.

And while you might be going, "But he threw the alarm clock across the room!" it's true--all first chapters need some kind of conflict or action, and need that conflict/action maintained, in order to make your readers pay attention to what you have to say. Unless Jackson waking up is relevant to the story, you can start right in where the main conflict begins, and can set up the characters and setting as you go along. Starting where he wakes up is not only a predictable beginning, it's overused and is often boring.

So, where does the story start to get interesting? Cut this part out and start there--your readers will thank you for it.

___

Thanks for the read, Shinox! PM me or poke me if you have any questions. I'd love to help you out. ^_^