how much did i love you?
i counted the ways that you loved me
i'll always remember the things we used to do
now black and white is all i see
how much do i love you?
i count the ways that you love me
the heavens above confirm it is true
no two people can be closer than we
how much will i love you?
i'll count the ways that you'll love me
without you i'll just be a who
a who who needs setting free
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Canary word: Present
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i admit that i found this rather average, cardboard cut and dull. pershaps you can expand on this vision of black and white love to something more eloquent and poetic.
This seems like a sequel to that famous poem that starts "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." [EDIT: Elizabeth Barrett Browning]
So to me, this is nothing original. You said you didn't want imagery, that's fine: but the poem is nothing new. Of course, if you weren't striving for an original voice, then that's fine, but unambitious.
Indeed, 'tis short and sweet.
A suggestion, if I may; I'm not sure why you chose to put the poem in the past/ present/ future form. I think the future/ present/ past for would work better? The first stanza uses past, meaning that the love already happened and is not there any more. The future indicates a love which has not happened yet.
Is this all the same love, or three different ones? If it is indeed three different ones, then your current form is fine. IF it is the same love, then I would switch the stanzas around so that it looks like this;
how much will i love you?
i'll count the ways that you'll love me
without you i'll just be a who
a who who needs setting free
how much do i love you?
i count the ways that you love me
the heavens above confirm it is true
no two people can be closer than we
how much did i love you?
i counted the ways that you loved me
i'll always remember the things we used to do
now black and white is all i see
--Phoenix/ Dono
You are welcome
Thank you..
It's your poem and so only you know how it should be written. And you did achieve your aim and short and sweet and romantic!
I don't want it to have imagery..just short, simple, and quickly romantic.
Thank you for all of your comments, and for your suggestions everyone.
Your poem was nice, but lacks depth. Maybe more imagery?
No, no, it does not.
At least it looks like it does..but that's just a coincidence..
I'm asking does the avatar have something too do with the poem?
I'm not understanding..are you asking what my avatar means?
The avatar is just an avatar I guess..why is there something wrong with it?
Great poem and i understand the message of it, also another thing is that why you have that avatar? I would crique this, but super crique been so i couldn't find anything that already been found. Just wondered about the avatar.
This poem is just short and simple..I didn't mean for it to be complicated..just a little romantic note or something.
-*Shimmer
Black and white?
Black and white means simple. An either/or sort of thing. So... if the romance is developed and she's concerned about it, she would see shades of grey. In my opinion, it contradicts your poem's message. Perhaps I'm not reading into it correctly? Usually in the past tense, I see things in grey, so it could be a matter of my perspective.
Another thing; Lord knows I love repetition, but this seems to be repetitious without meaning, if that makes sense. That is, it's so simple that repetition is not needed. For instance, if you had a couple of complicated lines in there, I could understand it. But right now it seems unnecessary.
Thanks..I never noticed that..
-*Shimmer
This is sweet. It lacks a bit in poetic style, but it more than makes up for it in the simple harmony that one could be left with.