Published July 4, 2013
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,388 Reviews
Imagine this :
My whole purpose and my only intention is to show you how positive I do is as compared to Why don't we?. Not asking you to modify your poem, but do you agree when say that it's better to search for a way, be an example than to complain about how we're all lost?
Don't worry about the world
Keep writing
S
Hey that is a good idea....makes the poem look better...thanks!!!
I liked the poem!
thank you!!
Hi I'm Elizabeth1 and I have a review for you!
I really liked the repetition of "Why can't we" because it let's the reader know what the relationship used to be like. It demonstrates that the little things in the relationship truly made the couple happy together. I'm pretty sure "we" in your poem is referring to a couple, if not then that's how I'm interoperating it as. But now that I'm thinking about it depending on the reader "we" can be anything, so I really like this because it leaves it open to many interpretations.
The structure was fine, it didn't bother me although I will say some parts didn't quite flow;but I still liked it. I would love this poem if you added a bit more description. I think adding more description or detail would really improve your poem. Overall I liked it and you should continue writing!
Thank you!
Welcome! It is judgement day >D. Just kidding it is critique writing day!
I will be checkin in every day or so, so if you have any questions then let me know !
Why can't we, for just an instant;
Be still, quiet and in peace?
Firstly, I don't quite understand the central message in this stanza. To be still, to be quite and to be in peace doesn't match up to me in a way to have a centralized theme. Although, if there was more of a specific word then "we" I could see it, otherwise it is just broken parts that seem to work on three things at once which is a bad thing (to me).See if you are talking about "we" as a nation, which is unclear, being still, quite, and in peace make sense however if "we" is you and your boyfriend or friend ect. I would say they are different and both need to be explained properly.
The approach seems to refer to a nation or the world, but I believe it might be better for you to title it in a way that the message is more specific, it can greatly increase impact.
Why can't we, close our eyes and;
Indulge in the bliss of the darkness?
These two lines and the ones following it seem rather odd. I am looking at this from a literary device like a medafore, and maybe it is just simply as that. You further exsplain why can't we hear nothing but our breaths and it just seems off.
The problem with the content is there's nothing exciting about it and it often doesn't express details and has little emotion. Yes there is a theme but what does the theme mean without the impact of it being interesting or emotional. It is too simplistic, lacks details, and doesn't jump off the page and follow me.
-structure
The structure is not to bad the poem has a few flaws through rhythm like the second stanza. It chooses a no rhyme scheme approach so you should stay focused on the rhythm and really think about getting some of the kinks out of the poetry like exsessive pauses due to commas and line breaks.
Other then that the poem is well done, it does seemed rushed with little thought though.
Thank you for letting me review for you today
YWS Hero,
Imhero
thank you!!:)
Dr. Strangelove here, and I got a review for you.
I do predict what the story is about. My prediction was
"Why can't we just go back to the way it was."
I was right. I did like how you explained all the stuff in the relationship that was, at one time, how it was, but now it just has collapsed. If the stuff were happening right now, we would be at our happiest.
I really liked this, and I would not-bad applaud it. The only thing why I didn't love this, is that it never got me hooked. Most poems, when they have an interesting story, gets me hooked.
Overall, Good job
Dr. Strangelove gives you!
6.89/10
thanks....