Published June 6, 2013
I had not intended to visit the amusement park. Everything was boring for me. At least it was for now. It was a weekday. Eight am in the morning. That means I need to leave for work. But I was least bothered. I had lied to mom too, keeping her under the impression that I was at work. And here I was walking on the footpath not even looking at the roller coaster for a ride on which I used to crave.
All my thoughts were on Riley. Yes, his beautiful blond hair, cute freckles and that cocky smile. Those were just images that flickered in my mind. He was not there. He couldn’t be there. He was gone…gone forever. But he could be here with me. Couldn’t he? If I would have controlled the steering a bit. If I would have applied the brakes properly. The car wouldn’t have skidded and Riley wouldn’t have been killed and I wouldn’t have escaped with bruises. Yes. If I had the control. We would have engaged the next day…
“Excuse me?”
I was startled for a while. I looked behind my shoulder. I saw a middle-aged woman standing. She was holding a little and the most innocent and adorable baby I had ever seen. I don’t know why but suddenly I was drawn to him. I didn’t say word. So the lady continued.
“Sorry to bother you. But my child is throwing a tantrum for that candy,” she said pointing towards the candy shop flooded with customers. I still didn’t say anything.
“Would you please hold him for a while, while I bring him a candy. I don’t want him to get lost in that mad crowd!”
This time I spoke. May be it was my urge to hold him that made me speak.
“Yeah…sure!” I said stretching out my hand for the little boy.
“Thank you!” she said giving his hand to me. “This may take some time. You can walk with him along the road if you want. But please don’t take him on any rides. He is very scared of them.” And without another word she hurried off to the store.
I was still holding the boy’s hand firmly but gently. His fingers felt like soft petals on my hand. It was then I felt him jerking my hand. He made those strange gurgling and baby noises as he pulled me towards a merry-go-round. On reaching the ride he pointed towards it and started jerking my hand harder.Wasn’t I just told that he was scared of rides! Why was he then wanting to ride it? I tried pulling him back but he resented. It was clear he wanted to ride it badly. I eventually bought the ticket and soon he was enjoying the ride. His cocky smile sent a mild shiver down my spine. The ride ended quickly and it was time to return this little wonder to his mother.
“He rode on the merry-go-round. I thought it was weird but he protested when I pulled him back. He enjoyed the ride a lot.” I said after giving the boy to the woman.
“Tell me you are joking. He sets into a loud bawl every time he sits on those horses. He creates a scene almost every day!”
I studied the baby doubtfully as he was smiling in his mother’s arm. Then he touched my cheek and immediately fell asleep as if that was all left to do and he was satisfied.
“Anyway thank you so much!” She started to walk away when I asked her, “Excuse me! What’s his name?”
“Why? It’s Riley”
I smiled and heard myself saying he truly is an adorable thing!
Saying so I set off to work!
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141,270 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
A few things:
I'm pretty sure amusement parks don't open as early as 8 am. Usually around 10-11 ish.
"She was holding a little and the most innocent and adorable baby I had ever seen." She was holding a little? What's a little? This sentence isn't working.
A good mother would not HAND HER CHILD TO A STRANGER. If a mother handed me her child I'd be very alarmed.
A good mother also wouldn't give her child candy to alleviate his tantrum. Dr. Spock can attest to that.
I'm confused as to the age of this child. You say the mother is holding him, you regard him as a baby. Then he's like pulling her to the ride, he's tugging her hands, so he's a toddler? He can walk? Then he's not exactly a baby. There needs to be clarification. There should be no question.
The mother told her not to take him on the rides, and she TAKES HIM ON A RIDE. WHY? These people don't sound believable at all.
Now all this said, I don't know why he's dead. I mean I get it's an accident of some sort, but what's the connection? Like, "oh I met this kid under weird circumstances, disrespected his mother wishes, and now I'm all sad because I killed him or something." Hmmmmm
So what I think I'm saying is that it wasn't a very believable story at all. It was pleasant to read, but I couldn't wrap my head around how impossible the entire thing was. Details. Subtleties. Important.
well maybe there are a few things that i should have taken care of but for a short story i wrote what kept coming to my mind....but thanks for the review..it'll help me.....
Hey!
Wow! I absolutely loved this story. I didn't even realize when it ended. I was totally engrossed by it. The sadness of the girl and the incident with the baby is heart warming. It was brief but a very cute story. I wish you would expand the story a bit because I would absolutely love reading more of this. Anyways, good work! Keep writing.
Thank you so much...yeah i did hear from others that there should have been more to it...
I really enjoyed this short story. It was well said, and very engrossing for me. One thing I'd suggest: watch the spacing. Just minor mistakes here and there, but otherwise, you did an outstanding job!
thanks...well the spacing problem occured because i copied-pasted the thing from microsoft word....
I quite enjoyed this little story. I was too engrossed to have noticed that the story had ended. I wish there were more of it. I'd love to read. You started off very nicely, the way you described the person she loves, I could picture him. I also like you the she kept saying if only she could have controlled it, it shows how much guilt or regret she was experiencing. then that thing with the baby, that was really interesting how the baby rode the merry go round. You could do pretty good with suspense and mystery stories. I can tell. Anyway, it was a really good piece, keep it up! =)
thank you!!
Hello there! Well, It was very interesting to read this short story of yours. You put a touch of reality and coincidence that makes it catchy and easy to relate with. The way you organize your ideas is brilliant. It makes me truly understand what you want to point out and it really did surprised me that the baby and the guy you are talking about on the former part of the story have the same name. I just want to take note some spacing errors like "Hecouldn'tbe there" and "IfI had the control." That's just it. But definitely, your work is great. Good job
thank you....and yeah i'll keep the spacing in mind!!
This is a great start to a longer story! Do you plan on expanding it? Possibly the prologue or a first chapter? I encourage you to do so! You did a good job at explaining and describing. One suggestion is to watch your tense. Past vs present tense. There are a few minor mistakes. All you need to do is re-read through it and catch a few of the errors. I really enjoyed the read though! Keep up the good work. And as always, good luck to you and your writing!
thanks...umm..well it was just a short story but i'll keep the tense thing in mind...