Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
I was sweating badly. I stared into the mirror; at my face. I was clutching a pair of sharp scissors. As I kept staring something stared changing. Those beautiful eyes I was staring at weren't twinkling anymore. They became blood red. And they slowly started getting filled with blood. My eyes burned. Thick red drops of blood rolled down the cheeks of the girl in the mirror. I was horrified on seeing this. I trembled with fear. But I was burning inside...burning with anger.
Kill her.....
"No..." I whispered in that cranky sound.
I was still staring, hoping for the blood to disappear. But instead something more terrifying happened. As I glanced at my palms I saw my nails grow longer. I was paralyzed with fear and realized that my nails were almost the size of my fingers.
As I continued to look at my now wicked palms I noticed something on my wrist. It was a bracelet. A pink and the most beautiful bracelet anyone had ever seen. With intervals of pearl, it had something written on it.
'SUSAN AND AMY - BFF!'
I pictured that scene, around ten years back, on my fifteenth birthday.
"Happy birthday Susan! Now close your eyes!"
"But why?"
"Stop arguing and do it!"
I closed my eyes. I felt my wrist being held. I could feel something being slipped into it.
"Now open!"
I opened them and automatically saw my wrist.
"Oh my god! This is so BEAUTIFUL! Amy, I love you so much!"
"I love you too honey!"
We hugged for so long at that time.
My face was now almost covered with blood. I touched it carefully trying not to hurt myself with those long nails.
Kill her...
"No..." I said, louder this time; as I kept staring at my horrific transformation. And as I continued to do so I pictured what had happened the day before. I remembered it. I remembered it so well.
Amy's arm wrapped around Aden. Aden was all over her. They lay beneath the sheets, kissing. I could see Aden's bare back. He was the Aden whom I had loved. He was the Aden to whom I was getting married in a month.
I refocused myself to my horrible image on the mirror. I couldn't take it anymore.
Kill her....
"NOOOOO.......!" I screamed my lungs out.
I marched out of my house with rage. I kept walking till I reached a house two blocks away. I didn't need to ring the bell. I had the duplicate keys. I opened the door slowly. I marched towards the staircase. I knew my way. I knew which door to open. I peered inside the room. It was dark. There was only a small light beside Amy. She was sleeping. I saw her hands; the hands that must have touched Aden. I saw her lips which must have kissed him; her arms which must have wrapped him. I couldn't stand her. I nearly ran to her and stabbed her in the neck with the sharp scissors I was holding. I kept stabbing with my eyes closed. I didn't see her struggling. I never wanted to. All I could hear was muffled cries and pleads. At last I stopped. I opened my eyes and looked at her. She lay in a pool of blood. Her eyes were open and huge with terror. Not only her neck, her entire body had been drenched in blood. She was not breathing.
The sight made me cry. I cried beside her for a long time. I kept my hand on hers to see that bracelet when I noticed something. My nails weren't long as before. They were short and clipped. Only now they were covered with blood. I stood up and went in front of the mirror. That same mirror where we used to make-up together. I was astonished to see my beautiful face with those old eyes which Aden used to say were like stars. No blood. I looked at myself and couldn't believe that the girl standing in front of me had killed her best friend. But I didn't cry. I knew what to do.
I picked up the scissors from the floor. Gulped once. Then I stabbed my wrist with it., puncturing my veins. Burning pain shot through my arm and body. Blood was gushing out of the wound. I walked to the other side of the bed and climbed on to it. Amy's mangled body lay on the bed. I lay beside her, our heads touching. I smiled when I saw her face. Closing my eyes I waited for the sun to rise, the sun I would not be able to see.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Shiksha!
manisha here to review for review day!
I'll review as I read.
I was sweating badly. I stared into the mirror; at my face.
I would suggest a different start. The starting of the story is very important for it decides in most cases if a reader wants to read further. There is nothing wrong with this, but something more gripping will do wonders!
As LMJ pointed out the first paragraph has the word blood more than once. Replacing them with a substitute will help with the writing.
I like the idea of a the devil. You also portrayed very well how it took over her mind and action. Good job.
The ending was kinda predictable for me, but it wasn't a cliche so I'm going to say it was a great ending!
Closing my eyes I waited for the sun to rise, the sun I would not be able to see.
Love this sentence!
Shoot me a PM if you have any questions!
Keep writing!
-manisha
hey thanks!!!
Hi there, Shiksha,
From the moment I started reading this I could tell that it was going to be a dramatic story – and in that sense, I wasn’t disappointed. There’s plenty of drama here – however, other things are kind of lacking, and without them the drama quickly becomes too much. What’s really going on with the narrator, and her state of mind? The events aren’t described very well, and they neither give me a clear image of what’s really going on nor what the narrator thinks is going on. There are lots of ways in which that could be improved, though:
More about the narrator. Obviously she’s not in the best state of mind – but why? Obviously what happened plays a part, but why is she killing her friend now, after the event? What triggered the rage? I want to know more about what’s going on inside her, and yet the only things that really indicate what’s wrong is her anger at her friend and her appearance in the mirror. Everything else is just normal. It starts to make it seem like the entire story is just about her overreacting to what her friend did – is she actually perfectly sane? If not, what else is there to show us that she isn’t? I find this hard to believe, hard to read and hard to take in unless I know more.
Varying the sentence structure. The sentences start to get a bit too similar early on in the story – almost all the sentences start with the word “I”, especially in the third to last paragraph. Often they all seem to be of the same length and structure as well, and the writing stops flowing and starts jarring in places and distracting from the actual story. In places there seem to be things missing, or things are repeated constantly:
Almost every sentence has the word “blood” in it. All four sentences here are basically saying the same thing, and it could be summed up in just one sentence with just one use of the word “blood.”
Here’s an example of the sentences becoming too similar and breaking up the flow; it makes it hard to get drawn into the story.
Another thing is the places where the words are in all caps:
Is this really necessary? Saying that she screamed her lungs out is already a dramatic statement; paired with the caps and the drawn out word it really starts to seem over the top.
More descriptions, and more varied descriptions: I find it hard to visualise the things that are going on, often because there isn’t much description at all, and other times because the descriptions are just the same thing being repeated over and over again (as with the blood one.) It seems rushed, as if this was written in a hurry; in some places it would be good if it slowed down to show us what was really going on with the character, what was going on inside her and around her and how she saw it; if the important details were revealed and the unnecessary repetitions cut out. The idea promises so many potentially vivid, twisted descriptions -- but the story lacks them.
This is hard to believe. She stabbed her wrist with a pair of scissors and instantly managed to wound herself fatally? Puncturing her veins would be unlikely to kill her unless she really cut half of her wrist off – severing an artery would kill her quickly enough but also be difficult to do just by stabbing with scissors. It might be easier to believe if the weapon was a sharper blade – or, at least, if there was more description of how sharp the scissors were and the force she must have used to inflict such a wound upon herself. The lack of description in general is another thing which makes it hard to believe – would there not be more focus on the pain? With her blood spurting out of her and her death so close, wouldn’t she feel anything else, even if it was just numbness? It seems hard to believe that she’d just go and lie down by her friend on the bed, not noticing anything else.
The same for the murder of her friend – doesn’t that warrant a little more description?
Overall, this could be a really interesting story: but it needs a lot of work. Events could be shown more clearly, in more depth, the character's state of mind described more and the writing edited to make it read more smoothly. There’s not much point in the drama if it’s just for the sake of drama...but there’s nothing wrong with a dramatic tone in a story where the characters and events are more developed. Keep writing – I’d be interested to see how much better this could become with editing. I hope this helps.
~Niebla
thanks!!
Review =
There were a few words that needed changing :-
"something stared changing" should be started i think.
"They became blood red. And they slowly started getting filled with blood." You say blood twice in this bit and it is quite jarring, maybe crimson red or just red on it's own.
"I was horrified on seeing this" I think it should just be, I was horrified. That's all you need.
"A pink and the most beautiful bracelet anyone had ever seen." Pink, the most beautiful pink. Maybe that sounds better, it's a subtler way of saying how beautiful it is.
"We hugged for so long at that time." We hugged for so long. That's all you need for that line.
"I refocused myself to my horrible image on the mirror." should be 'in the mirror'
"I marched out of my house with rage. I kept walking till I reached a house two blocks away. I didn't need to ring the bell. I had the duplicate keys. I opened the door slowly. I marched towards the staircase. I knew my way." This seems very long and drawn out, it might be better if she closes her eyes for a moment and when she opens them she's standing outside the door to the bedroom or something like that, as if she's blacked out in her rage. She instantly knows where she is as well, where she needs to be.
"My nails weren't long as before" like before.
"Then I stabbed my wrist with it., puncturing" there's a full stop and comma after with it.
That looks like a lot but they're very minimal points really. You ended it superbly the line :-
"Closing my eyes I waited for the sun to rise, the sun I would not be able to see."
was brilliant, it was simple and subtle. Exactly how it should be.
"She was sleeping. I saw her hands; the hands that must have touched Aden. I saw her lips which must have kissed him; her arms which must have wrapped him." This was a really strong line, the way she is thinking over what they must have done, making her feel sick. Really comes through the way it's written.
"Amy's arm wrapped around Aden. Aden was all over her. They lay beneath the sheets, kissing. I could see Aden's bare back. He was the Aden whom I had loved. He was the Aden to whom I was getting married in a month." This was really good but I think that the last bit, to whom I was getting married in a month, isn't needed. It's clear that Aden was once hers and the way she found out and feels about it. There isn't a need to label it with he's her fiance, just the person she loves the most seems like it would fit with the theme a lot better.
It was well written and the emotion of the main character leaves an impression.
I hope this helps, keep writing!
LMJ
thanks!!:)
Hiya Shiksha!
As soon as I saw the title and description, I knew I just had to read it. It came off as very intriguing to me and I can definitely tell you that I was not disappointed! I really liked how there seemed to be two characters from one POV, like this 'devil' is taking over the body. One side of her is really violent and just a bit horrific really. Still though, this was a really nice read!
I do have a couple of suggestions for you, though!:
-I think I'd like to see more gore, or gory descriptions. That might make me sound absolutely horrible, I actually hate gore, but I just don't think there was enough descriptions of the blood here. Blood is quite symbolic, is represents a lot, I think you could really do with adding a bit more details and descriptions. I think that would really bring this piece alive.
-Because we've sort of overwhelmed with the dual personality thing, it's kind of hard to grasp what's actually going on in the story. It got a bit confusing as to what actually happened, who did she stab? Was it herself or someone else? I had to read that last park again but I still don't think I fully understood.
Overall, this was a really interesting read! It's hard to write about this sort of thing so really, well done. Next steps would be to add in a bit more description and when you're writing making sure that everything you write is clear. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x
thanks!!!
hey shiksha!
I have read your work and the story is perfectly fine. It is a short story, but i got lots of goosebumps while reading it. Great. Now, where i lost my connection with your work....your grammar in few areas is li'l weird. Weird means not good. but don't feel disheartened after reading my torpid review. one thing you can do- start reading your story loud and correct the minor grammatical mistakes. ok.
overall. great work. nice story from a nice girl. keep it up.
thanks!
this was a very well written story. There were quite a few plot twists, in such a short piece of writing. That to me, is quite amazing.
I really enjoyed this story. Well done.
this was a very well written story. There were quite a few plot twists, in such a short piece of writing. That to me, is quite amazing.
I really enjoyed this story. Well done.
thanks!
Wow, very full on story.
But that doesn't mean it is no good. I quite enjoyed reading it, and found myself gasping in shock and horror at various different points in the story. However, with all that is good comes some bad, or just not great stuff.
You said "till" instead of "until", please don't do that. To me t just seems improper and just annoying. Although I can accept language is evolving as it does, so words are changing etc. But just try and avoid the use of till.
Also, where exactly does the devil thing come into it? I'm tossing up between whether the Devil actually possessed the girl, or that the devil thing was just symbolic for her uncontrollable heartbreak and anger. Maybe I'm just a bit slow, but it just doesn't seem too clear.
But then again, you obviously know how to write a story. You manipulate language really well.
Legy,
hey thanks! the devil is symbolic for her anger...