Young Writers Society

How dare you make me cry!
I like poetry that talks similarities, togetherness, and family, so this was just my cup of tea.
I was not expecting that twist at the end!


I enjoy writing poetry and could tell your new at this. There is a bunch of room for improvement. You just needed to balance it out, you had to much meat and not enough sandwich. There was not enough before the refrain "you and me".
You could try lumping the first section together then end with "you and me" that will make it mean more.
I love the conflict, I could easily tell this poem was starting and ending with conflict.
One thing that really stood out in your poem was that is was real English instead of poetry-speak type talking, if you know what I mean.
I genuinely feel in love with this and felt connected to the character the poem talked about, the way you perfectly decribed a sister bond made just that much more emotional.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!

Yeah, okay. I've been around the block a few times and I saw that one coming.

Once you start talking about similarities, togetherness, all that stuff, it's really obvious to me that you're going to off one of them. I expected it to be the speaker though, rather than the other one. I suppose I was just expecting that sort of twist rather than the usual thing to expect.

Because of that it wasn't really as touching to me.

I think you do some good things with this poem, but you have some room for improvement from an older point of view. For me, you needed more meat before your refrain. It was sort of like you didn't have the right balance between how much sauce and how much sandwich you had. There was too little with just one line before the refrain of "you and me" to make "you and me" mean anything unique each time, so I didn't really think the refrain worked like it should have.

What I mean is that you could have lumped the entire first section together in one stanza, and ended it with "you and me" and it would have had the same response. I like how you did the "Do you remember" refrain better because it had more substance between it and its fellow. You actually got into the story more, but the story was without conflict, and that told me that the twist was going to be the conflict, which would have to either be them no longer being together, or being bitter rivals.

I suppose that's why it was more predictable for me, I saw the set up.

I do really like how you're using your voice though. This style of poetry is what I enjoy reading because it's giving you a story in English rather than Poetry-Speak like with ribs and lungs playing an integral part in emotional content. Instead, the subtext plays the emotional content up.

I just want to see a little more complication in the story. I want to see more of it seem realistic. After all, to me it seems unrealistic that they would be without a conflict in their childhood where they attempted to identify their individuality. As someone who has known a lot of twins, and taken a few semesters of psychology, a key part of our identity is our individualized self. Two people who decided not to develop that is an oddity. Yes, I can kind of understand pushing it like this for the point of the poem, the huge "oh she's dead" moment, but it made it feel less realistic to have them be the same person twice.

You do have some uniquenesses between the two characters. The one was more social, the other one was more booky, but I want more. I want to get my teeth into that part of their relationship and understand it, but there's not enough here to see it.

All in all, I think you should write it again [That's the NaPo Spirit talking] because I think you could focus a little more on making the story a snapshot of her memories, the good and the bad, rather than an Ode to Sameness, and you'd end up with a poem that sounds more emotional for someone who catches on to the end of the story before the third stanza.

Last comment How to Format Poetry <- If you are having trouble figuring out how to structure your poems on YWS, this guide is to help with that and there are more of it's kind linked at the bottom if this one doesn't help you.

Dear god Sheyren, you make me cry before my twin's even dead. I will kill you. Savagely. With a knife. Just watch me.

In other words it's a love-hate relationship, which you can pretty much take as a complement

I genuinely flipped out when I read this. It's so beautiful. I love how sporadic and disorganized it is. It really get's the feeling across, that nostalgic, almost devastating tone. It's amazing. I also really relate to this, this special bond between sisters, twins especially. Do you have a twin?
I understand how hard it can be to say goodbye. It's something everyone comes to experience, and it's so much stronger when it's a sibling, and so much more when it's a twin. I feel deeply related to this poem.
I like the way the poem shifts, too. It flows from one section to another , though kind of randomly, in a way that really represents the emotion you are trying to convey.

Thank you So Much for writing this.

~Lucy

Super awesome poem, though it was extremely sad, I had wanted o cry at end. Please tell me this is not a personal poem, and if it is, I am extremely sorry. Nonetheless, beautiful poem. I would love to write a review, though I believe it would take me awhile to find things to fix.