Published December 16, 2011
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140,627 Literary Works • 673,568 Reviews
well you could instead of using rest two times, replace the first rest with repose or slumber,or dream
i think that dream would be a better fit in the last stanza with
"i want to dream
dream OF a place
place of peace and eternity
eternity, do not wake me"
Here to reply as requested!!
I like this.As far as I can tell the other reviewer covered everything!
One thing though. I felt this would have flowed better with punctuation. Just my opinion. Sorry for the short review!!
~Dmari
Unfortunately, this is the first piece of yours that I have read.
Now because I'm an evil pain in the (censored), I'll start with what I don't like about it.
Since that's out of the way, what parts I do like.
I want a sleep
Sleep in deep
Deep in the darkness
Darkness where my soul rest
Rest from a heartless world
World of pain untold
Untold the misery that lies
Lies in my eyes
Eyes that are ice cold
Cold as this dark world
World that I can't understand
Understand how life ran
I want to rest
Rest in a place of peace
Peace until eternity
Eternity, do not wake me
Though more punctuation will add more meaning.
Nice.
It should be 'rests' in the last line of the first stanza, but I can see why it isn't, here. Dunno how I feel about that.
As said before, this has a really good sad rhythm to it... I can feel the speaker's soul in the lines. I don't think you should change a thing, personally, unless you want to add way more to it and go for pages. Keep writing!
I hate to be honest with you...but this is the first poem of yours I have read. I know, you were expecting me to be negative right? Well, no reason to. I loved every line of it. I particularly loved how you rounded the whole thing off in the end of the last stanza. Great work, and I will definetely be reading a lot more of your work.
I never used to give star ratings until October, so lucky you! Superb work verg!
4.5/5 stars (only because it was so good I think an extra stanza would be awesome!)
Thank you night writer..you know when you are in pain or even any other emotion there are no boundaries on what you can write..from the most rusty cliche to the purist one..Thanks again <3 Verg
Hey VergielynHolmes!
This was a really beautiful poem! I'm proud to say that I'm 99% sure that there are no longer any grammatical errors, at all!
So really, this is certainly not a negative review.
This was my favourite stanza. A lot of depth in there, which I think is important.
Well done!
NightWriter x
Thanks for the review, I appreciate it and thanks for correcting a few grammatical error. That help!
I think that was good!
The poem had a kind of melody, a sad one. I especially loved how you repeated those words.It kind of created a link between the lines and made it quite meaningful and synchronized.
That was just a small correction.
And, also I think you can use some more punctuation in the poem to make it more meaningful, you see.
You better use "in a place" over there. Otherwise, the sentence construction seems wrong.
Well, I won't go about scrutinizing your poem.
I liked it. The melancholy, the desire was expressed well. Keep writing. Keep improving! Well done, VergielynHolmes!