z

Young Writers Society



A Game With A Stranger

by SherbetsLove


Chapter One

Waiting

"Now you all know why you are here. We are getting a new student. She is American. It will be your duty to welcome her to our English home. I have some work to be done in my office. That means you all must stay here to welcome our new guest." Lorenzo said. He was a tall Italian man. The children in the room stared at him nodding as he walked up the stairs.

"I wonder if she will be nice?" Rikki said in her deep Australian accent. She was short, tan, and had brown hair.

"Who cares. She's American. She's sharing a room with Sophia anyways." Simone said as she was reading her magazine. She had dark skin, and dark black hair.

"Speaking of Sophia do you guys know where she is?" Floyd asked. He was messing around with playing cards on the couch. He was tall, scrawny and blond.

"She's on a stroll." Derek replied as he threw the soccer ball up. He was a bulky blond haired athlete.

"You guys. The cab just called. He just picked her up from the airport!" Flora said holding the phone. She was a short and a chubby middle aged lady.

A black cab drove up to the house.

"Aurora House." The cab driver said as he came to a stop. A medium height slim girl stepped out of the cab. She had long golden hair and deep blue eyes. She grabbed her two green bags and walked up to the house. When she got to the door she reached for the handle but the door was already open. She walked in slowly. The imagery of the house took her breath away. She gazed at the beautiful images on the ceiling. There were cherubs and clouds surrounding a huge topaz chandelier. The walls had the same cherub design. The floor had white tiles lined with gold. To the left of her was a wooden spiral staircase leading up to a second level. In the opposite wall was a mural of a beautiful lady. She walked up to the mural slowly like in a daze. She reached her hand up to stroke the hair on the lady.

"Hi you must be Alice. I'm Flora your house mother." Flora said as she gave her a hug.

"Hi, sorry. The door was opened so I just thought- nice to meet you." Alice said as she spun around and returned the hug.

"Here let me take your bags up to your room, while you meet the rest of the house." She said leading Alice into a living room to the right of them. It was a wood floor. With a red throw rug in the middle. The two couches and chairs were red with a gold seem. There was a wooden table in the middle. There was a grand fireplace with wooden faces on it. There was a huge flat screen tv directly above the entrance. Alice stepped in and waved at the six other teens in the room. "Hi, I'm Alice."

"Well hello there lovely" Floyd said as he stood up and grabbed Alice's hand. He kissed her hand the smiled and walked back to his previous spot. A short, white, dark haired boy stood up and grabbed Alice's hand as well.

"Hi, I'm Lucas" he said while shaking her hand violently. He swiftly turned around and went back to doing something on his laptop.

"Derek" Derek said with a small wave and a smile. Alice returned the favor.

"Hello mate. Good to see you. I'm Rikki." Rikki said giving Alice a small hug. "That there is Simone" She said pointing to her.

"Hey" Alice said waving awkwardly to Simone. Simone just rolled her eyes and continued reading the magazine.

"Well um Tyler! You can do the honors of giving our newbie here a tour?" Rikki said while dragging Alice over to a tall, light brown haired boy reading a physics book. Tyler lowered his book then looked up at Alice. Rikki and the others had continued with what the were doing but neither Alice nor Tyler noticed. Tyler shut his book and put it down staring at Alice. Alice smiled and put her hair behind her ear.

"It would be an honor." Tyler finally said.

Chapter Two

Lotus

Tyler took Alice into the dining room and kitchen. There was a huge table in the middle. It was wooden with wooden purple padded chairs. The kitchen had the same light wooded and purple theme as the dining room. Then he lead her into a small white and gold sitting room. They walked back into the main room then up the stairs. There was a small balcony. The top was tiled like the bottom and the walls were painted with the same cherub design. To the right was a hall way, that was the girls rooms he explained. The hallway on the left were the boys rooms. In the center of both was a huge room with big glass windows. Tyler lead Alice into that room.

"HeyLorenzo, I thought you might want to meet the new house member." Tyler said.

"Yes, yes, hello Miss Alice Couture. Have you got your schedule?" Lorenzo replied not looking up from the book he was reading.

"O yes. Here." she said as she took a crumpled up piece of paper and handed it to Lorenzo. Lorenzo looked up and took the paper. He straightened it out and slight nodded.

"Yes looks like you have the same schedule as Tyler here. Good. Now both of you go to supper." he said handing Alice her schedule. Alice and Tyler walked out of his office.

"Well I'm glad I have someone to show me around tomorrow." Alice said to Tyler.

"Yeah that's always a good thing. So how come you came later in the semester?" He replied as they started slowly walking down the stairs together.

"Well I was supposed to be here before the start of the term. I had some things back in America I had to take care of first. Then of coarse my plane was delayed. So it was just my luck I arrived here on a Thursday." she said with a small giggle.

"Well I'm glad you finally made it." he said with a smile as they sat down at the table for dinner. Everyone was already sitting down. Lucas and Floyd were sitting on the opposite side of the table as Alice and Tyler. Next to Floyd was Simone then Rikki then Alice and Tyler. Next to Tyler was Derek and an empty chair sitting between him and Lucas. Flora brought homemade pizza and salad along with a pitcher of water and lemonade.

"Floras the best cook in all of England."Floyd said as he shoved some pizza into his mouth.

"It's true." Derek said while pouring some lemonade in his cup.

"Wheres Sophia?" Simone asked.

"Probably lost. In the woods."Lucas said with a laugh.

"Rikki you have a call from Australia!" Flora called from the other room. Rikki got up and joyfully hurried to the phone.

"Rikki is an exchange student from Australia. She's here just for two years. This is her last year here."

"Really?" Alice said

"At least we wanted her here." Simone said rudely

"Simone!" Derek snapped.

"What! She storms in here in the middle of the semester and thinks she can steal-" She said as she got up and threw her pizza and salad at her. She stopped when Lorenzo walked in "What on earth is going on here!" he yelled. Alice ran out with tears running down her face. She ran up the stairs and into her room. She threw herself onto her unmade bed and started sobbing. Minutes later there was a knock at the door. Alice didn't answer but the door opened. It was Tyler. He walked in with a glass of water and sat done next to her on her bed.

"I thought you might be thirsty." he said as he placed the cup down on the side table.

"Thank you." she said as she wiped the tears from her face. Tyler got up and walked slowly out while saying "No problem." and he shut the door. Alice sat up and began to look around half of the room was covered in pink. Along with several designer decor and products. On the other side was and un decorated area with a bed, armoire, closet, and side table. Alice began unpacking and getting situated. She was putting the final touches when she tripped over a loose board. She bent down and lifted up the board. there was a glisten within the hay under the board. She swept the hay away to reveal a flower necklace. The necklace was just big enough to fit in the palm of her hand. It was a scarlet red and resembled a lotus. It was hanging on a silver chain. She placed it around her neck and replaced the floorboard. She went over to the mirror. She looked up into the mirror and screamed. written in black was a message on the mirror. It read:

The one of choice has come,

With hair of gold and eyes of ice,

I placed this curse on someone,

But it comes with a price,

That someone is she with such power,

The Quest begins with a lock,

Place the key of the flower,

On the clock.

She quickly grabbed the nearest piece of paper and pen and wrote it down. Her mom always told her that those out of reach try to speak to us. We just need to listen. The door opened and a tall blond walked in. Well she was short but her ten inch heels made her tall. Alice crumpled the paper and shoved it in her pocket. The blonde was wearing white pants and a pink top.

“Hi, I'm Sophia. Its nice to finally meet you.” She said as she ran over and gave Alice a huge hug.

“Hello.” Alice said awkwardly.

“We are going to be best friends, I just know it. But we must put a pause because I'm starving and must go down to eat.” She said with a smile and she gracefully walked out the door.

Alice was once again left alone in house of strangers. A house of dangers.

Chapter 3

Spirit

“Do you guys know where Alice went off to?” Sophia asked as she sat down at the breakfast table.

“Already scare her away did you?” Floyd said as he and Lucas broke out laughing.

"That isnot funny. She wasn't in her bed this morning. I mean it was made yet I saw her in it last night. So that means-” Sophia said but was interrupted by Tyler.

“ She left early I saw her leave this morning.”

“Why? Doesn't she like us?” Sophia asked confused.

“Well she was very upset last night thanks to Simone.” Tyler said slightly irritated

Everyone looked at him surprised at we had just said.

“Well leave it up to you Simone to run our guest away.” Sophia snapped.

“I did not! I have reasons for what I did last night and why are you taking her side anyway?” Simone replied upset.

Alice walked into her first class and sat down in a seat in the left hand corner. She took her binder and pen out of her bag and prepared herself for class. Other students began to walk in including Tyler and Sophia. Sophia came and sat next to her. She pulled out a pink binder and a fancy pink pen from her back and turned to face Alice. She smiled then continued preparing herself for class. The day for Alice went pretty smoothly. She walked to class with Sophia and Tyler and Sophia sat next to her in all of her classes. The last period of the day was different at the end of the class Alice grabbed her book bag then reached for her books. Tyler had gotten them first. he smiled and said “Ready?”

“You know you don't have to carry my books for me.”Alice replied.

“I know but I want to.” he said as they walked out the door and to Alice locker. Alice put away all her stuff and shut her locker. Tyler opened his mouth as if to say something but was quickly interrupted by Simone. Alice just turned around and started back to the house.

“Tyler. Why are you being so incredibly nice to the filthy American?” Simone said flirtatiously.

“Would you just cool it Simone.” Tyler responded and walked away to the library.

Alice walked up to the house once more. Just less excited this time. She walked straight up to her room and changed out of her White and gold uniform. She hung it up with her other white skirts, and shirts, and black cardigans. She threw herself onto the bed and just laid there. Moments later a voice from downstairs called for supper. Alice walked out of her room and into the kitchen. She sat down next to Tyler and Sophia. Dinner went smoothly this time. Since it was Friday the whole house went to go see a movie at theater. Alice however stayed behind. She wanted to see if that writing she saw was a clue to something only she could find. Alice was left alone at the house and she went straight over to the big grandfather clock by the front door. She looked all over the clock but could not find a place where the flower could fit. There was a small engraving on the back of the clock, but it was too small for the flower necklace to fit in. Frustrated she stormed up to her bedroom and read over the clue again and again. As she was reading she slowly drifted off into sleep.

"Alice,Alice! Wake up!"

"What? Who are you?" Alice said as she rubbed her eyes to get a clearer view. There was a dark lady standing in front of her. She looked zombie like. She had long curly hair and black eyes. She looked evil. However she was also beautiful. Her overall appearance made Alice start breathing deeply and fear her.

"What do you want from me?" She finally asked.

"I need you to find my relic.It is of great importance and must be found before it lands in the wrong hands. That necklace around your neck is the first clue and key. It holds the power of~"

"What if I don't want to?" She bravely interrupted.

"Than sacrifice you life child!" she said as she disappeared. Alice woke up panting. She sat up and wrote in her journal about the dream she just had. She put her Journal down and stared at her dresser thinking. On her dresser was a small hello kitty necklace. The one her best friend had gotten her before she had left to England. It was made out of small crystals. It was only the head. She remembered that the bow came out and was a USB. It was like a key to their friendship her friend had told her when she gave it to her. It held all the pictures and memories they had shared. Alice got up and removed the necklace from its hanging place and sat on the bed. She began taking the bow off then snapping it back into place. Alice then knew.

Chapter 4

Alice

Dear Diary,

England's great I guess. I've been here three weeks now. But you already knew that. Simone still won't talk to me. She won't even look at me actually. When she does it's always very aditudiously. Is that even a word. Aditudiously? I finally have learned all the ropes you could say. Derek and Rikki are going out and Sophia has a crush on Floyd. She's never actually admit that to me but it's obvious. I miss America. My best friend, my pare- . Well I'm sure there all happy for me. I guess. My Aunt still hasn't said much to me since she sent me here. Well actually she's said nothing at all. She just sends me a little money every week. On the bright side I haven't had anymore experiences with the spirit. I cant even describe what she looked like. She was dark yet ever so beautiful. She looked Greek. Except Egyptian at the same time. I don't know why I was the one that had to see her. I mean there are other people in this house. And I know people have lived her for a while. So why me. Maybe it's just fate. I can't help but wonder who she is. She seems familiar somehow. I just can't quite put my finger on it.

Sophia is taking me dress shopping tomorrow. There's a solstice ball coming up soon I guess and she insists I go dress shopping with her. I would consider her one of my best friends now. And Tyler. He's been so nice and friendly and I consider him one of my best friends too. Me, him, and Sophia have gotten real close lately. I finally figured out the first clue. The flower, one of the petals come off of it. I think that it will fit in the small engraving behind the clock. Believe it or not I haven't had anytime at all to go check it out. Sophia's always around or Tyler. I love there company but I don't want them to get involved. I don't even know what I'm getting involved in.

Love,

Alice

Alice closed her journal and kissed the cover. She put it under the mattress and went to sleep.

Chapter 5

Key

Alice woke up and got out of bed she walked down stairs. Everybody else in the house was asleep. When she got to the bottom of the stairs she looked around and went straight to the clock. This may be her only chance she thought to herself. She slightly turned the clock, just enough for her hand to fit behind. She undid the petal from the flower and placed it in the small engraving. A perfect fit. A small door opened on the back revealing a small piece of paper. Alice grabbed the piece of paper and shoved it in her pocket. She removed the petal and put it back on the flower. the small door on the clock closed. Alice moved the clock back in its original place. Just in time to.

“Good morning” Tyler said as he came down the stairs in his blue plaid pajamas. “Your up early”

“I am? Its seven.” Alice replied.

“Well I guess I'm not used to having someone else up at this time on a Saturday.” Tyler said with a chuckle as they both walked into the living room.

“ I went to bed early last night.” Alice explained.

“So what were you looking for behind the clock anyways.”

“Well its a long story.”

“We’ve got time.” Tyler said as he put his arm around her.

“Okay just don't get creeped.”Alice said as she laid her head down on his shoulder. Alice told him about the necklace and the spirit. She told him of the dreams. She told him about why she was looking behind the clock.

“well, um, so what does the paper say?” Tyler asked.

“Right!” Alice said as she took out the paper and smoothed it out.

It read:

Under the solstice moon the door will unlock.

The door is directly across from this clock.

Enter to the dimension of the gods nest,

To continue on with the quest.

“The solstice moon. Well that isjust a couple of weeks away.”Tyler said rereading the paper.

“You mean the same night as the ball?” Alice asked

“Yeah its tradition that the solstice ball is on the winter solstice. It also opens up our winter break.”

“O. Does anyone ever stay at the house for break?”

“Well Lorenzo, Flora, Floyd, and I usually.”

“How come you stay here? Alice asked curiously.

“Well My dad is always away on business. Its the busiest time of year for his. So we celebrate Christmas and stuff on spring break.” He said as her handed the paper back to Alice.

“ What about you mom?”

“She died at my birth so i never got to meet her. What about you? I mean are you going home for the holidays?”

“Well-”

“Alice get ready! we have to go now for our dresses!”Sophiainterrupted as she ran down the stairs. Alice got up quickly and went up to the room and was back ready within a few minutes.

“Talk about speed Alice good job.” Sophia said as she dragged Alice out the door.

“Good luck.” Tyler said as the door shut. Alice and Sophia got into the cab that was waiting outside for them.


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Mon Sep 07, 2015 8:17 pm
artybirdy wrote a review...



Hiya! I stumbled across your story in the “books” section and decided to review it. :)

Chapter One
I’m assuming they are in a children’s home. You have introduced too many characters at once and it’s hard to keep track of them. Instead of describing their physical appearance as they are speaking, as it appears you’re info-dumping, leave it for later. Subtly slip it in through their actions. For example: “I wonder if she’ll be nice,” Rikki said, brushing aside a stray lock of her brown hair. Do you see what I mean? I like how you described the outside of Aurora House. It’s simple, yet provides vivid imagery. I’m confused as to why Rikki didn’t want to show Alice around and, instead, told Tyler to. I have a feeling you’re trying to make them grow closer, and that’s not a very good way to do that because it’s too obvious to us.

Chapter Two
Once again, it’s not a coincidence that Alice has the same classes as Tyler. It’s more convenient to the plot and, thus, predictable. Try and change it up. Alice doesn’t need to be in his classes; they might join the same after-school club. I think it was unreasonable for Alice to cry because Simone was rude to her. It’s how every typical teen character reacts. Change it up a bit. Perhaps, Alice ignores Simone, or gives her a smartass reply. I love the little riddle. That gives me the feeling that Alice’s hiding secrets. You ended the chapter at a cliff-hanger. A house of dangers? I’m definitely reading ahead.

Chapter Three
If Tyler’s defending Alice, that means he fancies her. Good. ;) I like Sophia’s character. She’s nice and kind—exactly what Alice needs to fit in among the group of strangers. But, I also think there’s much more to Simone, especially when she’s upset by what Sophia says. Perhaps, she’s worried that Alice might take Sophia, her best friend or sister, away from her. I felt that the dream was over too quickly. You need to improve in your pacing. Try to develop the scene, give us an insight into Alice’s thoughts and feelings. Is she scared? Nervous? What questions are racing through her mind? I like that you gave us a little bit of her back story. You did a good job at subtly slipping it in, so it doesn’t feel like an info-dump.

Chapter Four
Is the diary entry important for later on? You have given us crucial details, but you could have simply told us that through Alice’s perspective, instead of relying on her diary. Unless, of course, that entry was necessary to drive the plot forward, maybe Simone reads it?

Chapter Five
Whoa, wait, isn’t it a little too fast for her to trust Tyler? And, how come Tyler believes it all so quickly? Isn’t he a slightest bit doubtful? Except that, it’s fine.

Overall, the chapters are rather short. Consider combining them together, if possible. I also noticed that the dialogues are formatted incorrectly. I’m not good at explaining why and, therefore, I’ll refer you to this fantastic blog: http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/pu ... -dialogue/

Good job!

Well done, and keep writing.





I don't think so alliyah, but don't quote me on that.
— TheBlueCat