Just to help acknowledge my immaturity,
My sins expressing my impurity,
these days moving at sticky moments,
This love and its blissful moments,
If one bomb were to explode,
My country of life to watch it implode.
A silhouette to reflect this image,
Corroding this inconspicuous image,
What a laughter that could take the air from its place,
The scenery in its reverse originality to be on my face.
Don't see this as ammunition for the pity you'd present for me,
It's just self-indulgence for the little boy inside of me,
It's this uneasiness or is it this singular living,
that brings the only safety in home living.
These pretty faces and model bodies have false attraction that own real beauty we love,
inside our hearts it's these people of personality whose attraction is ripe with real love.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
You know, I see very little in this poem, and yet I see quite a bit as well, which is odd. Sort of a mixture of 'oh, interesting, but where are you going with this? I see metaphor but what are you comparing this with?' and then the 'Oh, so you're trying to tie everything together by making it about the attraction of love, but where does the entirety of the poem fit with that particular thought process?'. It was a bit unnerving, to say the least. Enough so that I had to read through it a couple times to get a just opinion.
And I'm still unsure whether or not I have that opinion. It's odd, the way you try and give this sort of ironical dash and yet the ironic part is that I'm not seeing anything really ironic about this work.
I think, my biggest problem came out with the style. The texture of this poem. You have interesting structure. Very free-based, which is lovely in any aspect, but also completely unnecessary in the long run when you write out lines like this;
All poets want to make that comparison. That one simile that makes the reader go 'wow'. And this could have been it. The way you lead up into it was a little weak and rough around the edges, but coherent enough that we understood where it was going. How the lines were making sense.
And then this line comes out of nowhere with a right swing to the jaw.
I'm pretty sure I know what you mean't to say with it, but the wording is all wrong. In the shape that its in, it does't make any sense. The connection is so minuscule that its hard to look at it as poetic license. It just looks like you couldn't figure out a good way to word it, so you simply worded it to match the scheme rather than.
But, in all the flaws that I could point out, there is still a lot of promise. Maybe not in this poem, for instance, but you are an ironical writer. Just find something ironic to write. None of this sporadic 'I'm going to be artsy and free-based' nonsense. Poetry doesn't have to be pretty. It doesn't even have to be beautiful, but it has to be something, and I'm not quite sure I found the 'something' in this poem yet.
So refine it. Try and weave the last bit throughout the entirety with a little more clarity and a little less 'rhyme-scheme' because, lets be honest, repeating words in rhyme-schemes are weak as well. So toss it. You're a better writer than that.
Anyways, keep writing. I'll be keeping an eye out for your work in future days.
~Walker
P.S. I hope this wasn't too harsh. I'm a bit cruel when I think someone has potential