Regeneration

Hello, Shemlock!

Firstly, welcome to YWS! I'm glad you've joined this writing community and that you have a lot of fun here. Feel free to ask me for any help around the site!

Now... on to my review!

You've opened up this piece with two glorious lines. And for me, that set the tone for the entire poem. So good job with the intro! The stanzas are well-built and even though they might lack that perfect syllable-count for each line and its corresponding rhyming sentence, it still sounds good even if I'm reading it aloud. Also, I love rhyme!

I like the message of hope, of the undying fighting spirit and the will to continue on and push through. Positive, optimistic poems such as this trump sad and dreary ones any day. There are some killer lines that you've doled out for us as well. The first two being one of those lines! the language is good, simple and easy. Not too tedious for one to understand. I always feel that when a poem is powerful and has such great moral within it, it only boosts the strength of that moral further when there's rhyme because having that rhythm and verse coincides to form a profoundly engaging reading experience.

Now, the issues with this piece for me were that in some cases, words were being recycled. Intentional or not, it's something that reduces the quality greatly, especially in poems with rhyme-form. 'Upon' in the first stanza, 'me' in the third stanza, 'allies' and 'more' in the second stanza could have been accompanied by other words. It feels like there's just not enough effort put forth towards the rhyming when I come across instances like this and that it's been put there just for rhyming's sake.

Also, using a lot of simple words for rhyme sort of takes away some of the excitement from the poem. Use half-rhymes even, but words like 'should' and 'could' aren't really as convincing as they seem. Be more experimental with this since rhyming, even if it is the most difficult thing to do, once executed with a bit more of concentration can bring about serious epic-ness. Though despite these small short-coming, the poem still stood well. All that's needed is a little polishing around the edges.

All in all, a great effort. I enjoyed reading this and look forward to reading many more pieces from you. Keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

Ok, hold on tight. we're gun'a have a great review today!

"This is where it all began,

A pen, a paper, and my shaking hands."

This started off a little bit cliche. 'This is where it all began' is a starter that has been used countless times. I would advise mixing it up from this. Then, the second line has about two syllables too many to be in rhythm with the first line. Don't just write a line thinking that it will sound good because it rhymes.

"Shaking like the beliefs I built myself upon,

and this wave of regret comes on and on,

like the sea of doubt I float upon."

The rhythm here is a lot better! However, you use the word 'upon' twice too close to each other. Repetition can be good, but the word 'upon' isn't a major concept in this piece, and nothing else is repetitive.


"It's a raging battle and the fights not won,

I backtrack for my confidence, a constant errand."


I like these two lines, but not together. Where they are, they throw off the rhythm you started. And you'll want to take out a few syllables from the second line.


"Reconstructed over the many years

many years of over a thousand tears

tears that rip through me, leaving me in shreds

Shreds of the sheets of beds of my partners"


This all sounded well and dandy until it hit the word 'partners'. And again, too many syllables throughout. It's sounding more like prose with that many extra sounds.


"Even with the alcohol, it only gets harder

because I've sold myself as this worlds martyr."


Again, you can't rely on rhyming. Poetry has to have rhythm without even considering the rhymes. And this is just personal opinion, but I think that the word 'alcohol' is too straight-forward and gives away too much about the meaning of the poem. However, you don't have to change that word to please Hope, if you like it there.



"I can feel it grab hold of me

like a poison that's not yet inside of me"


Don't go rhyming a word with the same word!


"The melanoma in my bones squeezes away

Exasperated, trying to find another way

Waves of self-delusion spin me into confusion"


Again, 'way' shouldn't be rhymed with 'away' because they're pretty much the same word. I really like that last line, though.



"My heart begins to beat like a rabbit

and my brain complicates my thought, a dirty habit

An idea, like a balloon, that if I were taller, I'd nab it"


I love the concept here, but no rhyming to be lazy!


"Like a window pane, my body is fragile

Reality sweeps in and I'm just not agile,

enough, enough of the pressure builds up inside

I crack like glass and all that's left is my hide"


(Repeats the last thing about lazy rhyming).


"If I could hide from what's out there I would

But I'll face this darkness, because I know I should"


Why is the word 'hide' popping up so near itself?



"Reconstructed from the blood of my allies,

schizophrenia meta morphing me my own allies,

I'll be stronger than I was before, and forevermore

Continuing to auto-correct because I know I can be more

I won't ever be perfect, and never deserved it

This way I can always grow, and in the end I will know more."


Stop it! Didn't I say no rhyming a word with itself?


"Stripping this blanket of depression, no more regression

You're just trying to test us, but we're too pure in essence"

I can't find anything to critique here, so A plus.


"The Rain won't wash me away, nay

I'll find my own way...my way."

I like this ending and the way it relates us back to the poem with the conclusion of survival. You've got a lot of potential here, and I think you should definitely keep up the good writing. Just learn some rhyming techniques that don't require every line to rhyme with the one before it. Actually, if you want to rhyme, I personally think it sounds better to rhyme every other line. But practice writing with rhythm that doesn't require rhyming at all. If you can make rhythm without rhyme, then you'll naturally be able to make rhymes with rhythm.
Anyway, the structure of this poem is off, but I don't think that really matters. I like the concepts and similes you used to express your theme. Write more!