Beta - Chapter 1 • Young Writers Society

Beta - Chapter 1

November 28, 2008
Novel / Chapter: Science Fiction, General
9 comments (7 reviews)

Chapter 1

The gas station attendant leaned over nervously and prepared to fill the black military motorcycle. He placed the gas pump in the tank and looked up uneasily at the owner of the vehicle. At the very least, she was horribly unnerving.

She was leaning up against the pump nonchalantly and staring at the clear afternoon sky. She wore slight tight blue-jean shorts that hovered a few inches above her knees. The shorts looked fairly new, but a rough, faded texture told the attendant that they were probably a few weeks old. Brown hiking boot with thick, black laces served as her shoes. Dried mud stuck to the worn sides and faded white socks that were peeping over the edge of the boots were barely notable. She wore a low, navy-blue tank-top with a bright blue dragon embroidered across her chest. A silver necklace hung around her neck and on the end of the necklace rested another blue dragon. An odd charm bracelet sat on her right wrist, and the silver coating reflected the afternoon sunlight. Thick, silky, brown hair met at the back of her head to create a drooping bun. Even though the bun was a considerable size, heavy bangs fell in front of her eyes. Her keen, piercing blue eyes searched the sky silently.

This outfit wasn't uncommon and it wasn't what had frightened the attendant. Her tattoos had frightened him.

The tattoos started just below her shorts on her right leg. They instantly reappeared at her armpits and covered her chest, collarbone, right arm, left arm, neck, and even traveled up onto her face. Like her legs, however, the tattoos only consumed her right cheek and dodged her mouth, nose, and eyes. They continued up to her forehead and rested on the narrow gap between her right ear and right eyes.

There was another thing too. The tattooed pattern was all the same and it was an abnormal pattern. The pattern resembled a capital 'L' with an upside down capital 'L' right above it. It was almost as if the tattooer had meant to form a square but had failed badly.

A gentle breeze passed through the lonely gas station and the rich hair of the woman was stirred slightly. A small jiggling sound reached the attendant's ears and he leaned closer to the woman to find out where the sound was emitting from. He suddenly noticed large, rectangular earrings hanging from the woman's ears.

The attendant shivered. This woman gave him the willies.

"Are you done staring?" the woman suddenly asked in a sparrow-like voice. She turned mildly and considered the attendant. Her blues eyes were not hard or cruel as the attendant had antisipated. Indeed, they only stared at him with a bored curiosity.

The attendant flushed and ducked behind the motorcycle. He prayed vigorously that the blasted pump would hurry up with its job.

Not two seconds later, the pump beeped loudly. The attendant stood up quickly. Just knowing that the woman was watching him intently made him nervous. He fumbled around with the pump for a few torturing seconds and then manged to rip it out of the motorcycle. He put it away quickly.

"I-uh-am going to need your security ID and. . . .um. . . .your bank card." The attendant stumbled over his words carelessly. The woman didn't seem to notice and she calmly reached into her back pocket. She pulled out a chain wallet. She dug around in it and produced her ID and bank card. The attendant went inside of his booth and ran both of them through the security system. She checked out in the security system as an honored citizen. The attendant shivered at the thought. How could that-that thing be honored? Shoving the thought aside, he ran the bank card through. Well, at least she paid.

The attendant left his safe haven and nervously handed the woman back her cards.

"Thank you, sir," she said politely and skillfully mounted her motorcycle. She didn't have a jacket or helmet on, but seemed unconcerned as she stared blankly ahead at the highway. She snapped away the kickstand and her powerful motorcycle roared to life. "Nice doing business with you," she stated simply. Then, without even glancing at the attendant; she drove swiftly out of the lot and onto the off ramp that ushered her onto the highway.

* * *

Freedom is not what I thought it would be, Alex thought idly as she merged into the center lane. She knew she had a thirty minute drive to Uncas, the thriving capital of Ashdod. She was impatient with the ridiculously low speed laws in Ashdod, but at least she would make it to the capital before sundown. That meant she didn't have to spend another night by the side of the road.

Where ever I go, I get stared at as if I'm some sort of freak show. . . . .it's not like I didn't expect that to happen, but I couldn't possibly imagine how annoying it could be.

Alex suddenly grinned.

Good thing I didn't have my .22's on me today, that would have scared him silly.

Alex glanced up at the sky. She felt that it was supposed to rain, but every time she checked, the weather contradicted her fears. A cold wind travel through the traffic and caused Alex to believe that maybe she was correct. After all, a strong storm could very well be blowing in soon. She hoped the pleasant weather would hold until she reached shelter.

Jacob hit the hard gym floor with a loud smack. His nose was bleeding profusely, his lip was split badly, and a pool of dark blood was already forming beneath him. His eyes were swollen shut and his cheeks were puffy and slightly purple.

"Hiya!" Reuben shouted fiercely. He leapt into the air and positioned himself twenty feet above his victim. He flew down toward Jacob and landed on top of him with his knee in Jacob's back. A distinct crack echoed throughout the spacious gym. Jacob groaned and coughed up blood that added to the puddle beneath him. Reuben grabbed Jacob's left arm and brought it behind Jacob's back. With a fierce jerk, Reuben snapped his opponent's arm. Another sickening crack resounded off the padded walls. Jacob whimpered.

"All right," he moaned pitifully. "You. . . .win. . . ."

Reuben stood up with disgust and landed one final kick in Jacob's side before turning to face his audience.

"Is that it?" he demanded angrily. "This is all you guys have to offer me? That trash is my third victim today." Reuben took an aggressive step toward the nine people in the corner. Like everyone else in the room, Reuben was covered in tattoos. His tattoos were shaped like those weird two L's that met to form an off-square, but his tattoos also had a capital 'I' traveling through the middle. Everyone else besides Reuben and Jacob (whose pattern was the same as his) had those puzzling squares sketched all over their body's.

"I don't mind winning, but even victory loses it's taste when it's easily gained." Reuben spat on the floor. "Who's next? And this one had better be good."

"That's it," Liam, a tall man somewhere in his late twenties, stomped out his cigar. "I'm done listening to this piece of crap." Liam stepped away from the wall and cracked his knuckles. "Okay, punk, it'll be my pleasure crushing you."

"Yeah, right," Reuben backed up with a grin. "Somebody get that trash off the floor so I can deal with this one."

Malcolm and Gor, the two youngest on the team, moved to Jacob's side. They held a brief conversation with the loser and then gently lifted him up.

"You'll be okay, man, we're gonna get you to the med ward, okay?" Malcolm said evenly. He glanced up to glare at Reuben. "I'm sorry I'll be missing this match. Slaughter him, Liam, put him in his right place."

"Will do, kid, ya don't have to remind me," Liam's green experienced eyes shone with anger as he considered his enemy. Reuben met the intimidating gaze and merely smiled.

Malcolm and Gor quickly left the room with the injured Jacob. David came forward and finished wiping away the blood. He shook his head as he got to his feet.

"Unbelievable," he said softly. "Simply unbelievable. . . .the floor's clean, so, I guess you guys are free to tear each other to pieces. . . . ." David left the gym with crimson stained rags. He was still muttering when the door slammed behind him.

"Prepare to take a pounding, junior," Liam said calmly as he placed his feet on the padded mat. He stepped into his offense fighting stance, the one that exposed his side, but it also meant he was expecting to be short.

"Look who's talking, old man," Reuben coolly moved onto the mat and stepped into his offense stance. A tense anticipation filled the stiff, smelly air. The audience shifted uneasily.

"Here goes another death match," someone whispered.

"Liam," a soft voice suddenly echoed from the shadows. "Please, allow me."

"With all due respect, stay outta this, Lieutenant, I don't need your help," Liam growled with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

Alex stepped forward, her face completely unemotional and blank. Her eyes were cold, but not in an unfriendly way, more of in an authoritative way.

"I didn't offer my help, private," she replied smartly. "I merely requested, not as a ranking officer, but as a friend, that you let me finish this."

"Great, you're going to throw a little lady at me?" Reuben shook his head in disgust. "Sorry, I don't hit women."

Liam spun around, his eyes shining brilliantly with an intense loyalty. "You arrogant son of a-"

"Stop," Alex's voice was low, barely above a whisper, but the command dominated the room.

Liam sighed and backed up. He wanted to fight, yes, but now his commanding officer and friend had to defend her honor. That was a good enough reason for the skilled man to back down. He took one look at Alex's face and smirked. That idiot had no idea what was coming to him. He bowed deeply.

"All right, Al, he's all yours," Liam reclaimed his place by the wall.

"Thank you, Liam," Alex said quietly as she took his place on the mat.

Reuben watched the exchange with horror.

"Are you serious?" He demanded loudly. "I am not fighting a girl. I wanted a challenge, not third grade spelling."

"Kill him, Al, shut his stupid no-good mouth," Liam begged as he started a new cigar.

"Yeah, come on, Lieutenant, smash him," The rest of the audience chorused.

"Now, hold on-" Reuben began but was efficiently cut-off as Alex caught him with a well-aimed left hook.

Reuben went spinning back and hit the wall. He straightened up and spat out a mouthful of blood along with a tooth. Alex watched him passively. She stepped back, waiting for him to recover.

With an irritated grin, Reuben rushed her with a flying side kick. Alex didn't flinch or even move. He was moving much too slow by her standers. When Reuben's foot was inches from her body, she grabbed his ankle and twisted it violently in the opposite direction. This time the distinct snap came from Reuben's ankle, not his opponents.

Reuben whirled in the air and lost his balance. He landed face down on the floor but painfully scrambled to his feet. Alex kicked him in the stomach. Reuben didn't double over, but he hesitated. That hesitation gave Alex enough time to land a powerful punch in his solar plexus. Reuben sailed across the room and when he slammed into the wall, the entire gym shook. The wall cracked and Reuben was coated in debris. This time, Alex didn't give him time to recover. She leapt toward Reuben with lightning speed and roughly grabbed his collar bone. She yanked him to his feet.

His face was bloody, torn, and a steady stream of blood came from his mouth.

Undaunted and unashamed, Alex punched him in the face. He groaned and Alex raised her hand against him again. With one arm, Alex threw him back into the center of the room. Reuben lay gasping and trembling on the floor.

Alex slowly approached him and then stood inert over the broken body.

"Are you done?" She asked with a maddening amount of politeness.

"You-you're. . . .t-oo, fa-a-ast for. . . me," Reuben managed to cough out.

Alex suddenly dug her right foot into his side and skillfully kicked him into the air. Seconds before he hit the floor, Alex struck him firmly across his mouth. Reuben was sent another two yards before he slammed into the gym floor.

Alex was stooping over him half a second later.

"That was not my question," Alex said quietly. "I want to know if you are done already."

Reuben groaned. "Yeah. . . .I'm. . . .do-nnnnnn. . . . . ." His voice suddenly faded as he slipped into unconsciousness.

Alex shook her head in disgust and leaned down to whisper in his ear.

"You are a fool, Reuben. Did you, a lowly gamma, truly believe you could even touch a beta? You are fortunate that your last three opponents were not beta. They would have killed you." Alex stood up and smiled slightly. "You, young one, have much to learn."

Alex turned toward the gym door and began walking to it.

"Someone get him down to the medical ward, I'm done with him." Alex placed her hand on the door and pushed it open. She glanced thoughtfully at Reuben and then vanished into the hallway

~*~*~*~*~*~

What do you think of-

Alex

the style

should her thoughts in italics?

and do you like flashbacks in italics? Everyone who's read it so far won't tell me if they do or don't. . . . .

Anywho, any opinions about anything with this story is deeply appreciated!

Thanks for reading!

Comments

Points: 1068
Reviews: 582

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Mon Dec 01, 2008 4:50 pm

KJ wrote a review...

"Are you done staring?" the woman suddenly asked in a sparrow-like voice.

This is the only thing that really stuck out like a sore thumb to me. How is her voice "sparrow-like"? Need to specify.

I do like Alex. But because of the introduction before you brought her in, I was kind of throw off-kilter (it may be just me). I was already focused on the tatooed woman. So maybe make that part a Prologue, or just ignore me

The style. My favorite aspect of reading this. It's easy-flowing and interesting.

Should her thoughts be in italics? Absolutely.

Do I like flashbacks in italics? Loved them :wink:

Okay, I realize I wasn't exactly a lot of help, but I'm kind of in a rush, but I wanted to get to this. So hopefully you get something out of this post, and keep writing, girl.

KJ

Points: 900
Reviews: 268

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Mon Dec 01, 2008 4:01 am

Adnamarine wrote a review...

She was leaning up against the pump nonchalantly and staring at the clear afternoon sky.

Nonchalantly. Is that necessary?

She wore slight tight blue-jean shorts that hovered a few inches above her knees. The shorts looked fairly new, but a rough, faded texture told the attendant that they were probably a few weeks old. Brown hiking boot with thick, black laces served as her shoes. Dried mud stuck to the worn sides and faded white socks that were peeping over the edge of the boots were barely notable. She wore a low, navy-blue tank-top with a bright blue dragon embroidered across her chest. A silver necklace hung around her neck and on the end of the necklace rested another blue dragon. An odd charm bracelet sat on her right wrist, and the silver coating reflected the afternoon sunlight. Thick, silky, brown hair met at the back of her head to create a drooping bun. Even though the bun was a considerable size, heavy bangs fell in front of her eyes. Her keen, piercing blue eyes searched the sky silently.

I have to agree with Andy; there’s far too much description of her appearance right there. I only skimmed it. as I was reading.

At this point, I was rather confused about who you were talking about when you said “she.” At first I thought you were still talking about the gas station attendant, until I read the next paragraph. Instead of just saying “She was leaning against the gas station pump” maybe instead still say “The owner of the car”

The tattoos started just below her shorts on her right leg. They instantly reappeared at her armpits and covered her chest, collarbone, right arm, left arm, neck, and even traveled up onto her face. Like her legs, however, the tattoos only consumed her right cheek and dodged her mouth, nose, and eyes. They continued up to her forehead and rested on the narrow gap between her right ear and right eyes.

Cool.

There was another thing too.

I think that’s unnecessary. The rest of this paragraph should just be a part of the previous one.

A small jiggling sound reached the attendant's ears

’Jiggling’. Did you mean jangling? Jiggling isn’t really a sound.

The attendant stumbled over his words carelessly.

’Carelessly’ is unnecessary, I think. ‘Stumbled over his words’ says enough.

The woman didn't seem to notice and she calmly reached into her back pocket. She pulled out a chain wallet. She dug around in it and produced her ID and bank card.

I think you could join either the first two, or the second two sentences. That middle one is short and kind of has an interruptive nature.

that-that

I don’t get it.

thing

Would he really be at a point where he would call her a thing?

simply

Her words speak for themselves that they’re simple.

off ramp

“off-ramp”

imagine

’Have imagined’. That’s in the past. She’s experienced it now.

travel

traveled

puddle

Since you already used this word, I’d find a different one here.

and brought it behind Jacob's back

. I like that you used his name here. A lot of people would say ‘his’ to keep from repeating the name, which isn’t important, I don’t think, and makes it confusing. It’s just a little thing, but it’s good.

those weird two L's that met to form an off-square,

Why ‘those weird two L’s’?

(whose pattern was the same as his)

As Reuben’s

Everyone else besides Reuben and Jacob (whose pattern was the same as his)As Reuben’s? had those puzzling squares sketched all over their body's.

Well, Reuben and Jacob has those squares all over their bodies too, didn’t they? They just had an extra shape. The way you describe this is a little confusing. Maybe instead something like, “Jacob had the same pattern, but no one else in the room had the capital ‘I’ in the middle.” Or something like that?

it's

its

"Somebody get that trash

Maybe a new word there? That would be the second time he’s called Jacob ‘trash’, which is alright. But if you wanted.

David came forward and finished wiping away the blood.

You haven’t introduced this guy yet. Maybe mention him with Malcolm and Gor, or at least give him the same intro they had. ‘Another member of the team.’

crimson-stained rags

padded mat

Isn’t the mat supposed to be padding for the floor?

"Look who's talking, old man,"

Period at the end here.

soft voice suddenly echoed

Soft voices don’t typically echo.

"All right, Al, he's all yours,"

Period at the end of that.

cut-off

cut off

standers

standards

opponents

opponent’s

Reuben whirled in the air and lost his balance

What balance, when you’re being thrown through the air?

This time, Alex didn't give him time to recover.

When had she ever?

roughly grabbed his collar bone.

How do you grab somebody by their collar bone?

"You-you're. . . .t-oo, fa-a-ast for. . . me,"

Cliché concession.

"Someone get him down to the medical ward, I'm done with him."
"Okay, punk, it'll be my pleasure crushing you."
"Will do, kid, ya don't have to remind me,"
Her eyes were cold, but not in an unfriendly way, more of in an authoritative way.
"With all due respect, stay outta this, Lieutenant, I don't need your help,"

Each of these sentences should actually be two sentences, where you have the second (or third in the last case; first in the first case) comma.

and skillfully mounted
Alex thought idly
splitbadly
andmerelysmiled
Ruebencoollymoved
Alex said quietly
voice suddenly faded

If you can avoid using an adverb, you generally want to. In these cases, I think you can.

What did you think of Alex? It's hard to get an impression of her already. We spend little of the time from her viewpoint. There's always room for improvement, but there's nothing specific to mention yet. Just make sure she's flawed, obviously flawed. You need imperfect characters.

What did you think of the style? Pretty good. I think someone else mentioned this, it runs pretty smoothly. I think there were only maybe one or two more awkward sentences I mentioned that needed to be ironed out. You do need to somehow make it clear what you're doing when you go into full italics.

Should her thoughts be in italics? Yes, it would make it much more clear.

and do you like flashbacks in italics? You do need to somehow make it clear what you're doing when you go into italics. Otherwise it's alright.

Andy (Squall) had really good insights at the end of his review. I really agree with everything he said. I’m sure more of the details about their powers will come out as your story continues, but it’s nevertheless extremely important to make the right first impression. This didn’t quite end up that way.
Even Reuben not being willing to fight Alex because she’s a girl seems unrealistic. If he’s that brutal, what’s the problem? She’s a sergeant, she’s obviously capable. And that it makes her so angry.
Another aspect of the fighting part besides what Andy mentioned is that they don’t have rules against this, but they treat Reuben like an enemy.
I don’t really like when stories start from the POV of someone we’ll never see again. I think you really could just make the whole beginning from Alex’s POV, and it would help make the attendant reactions more realistic. Honestly, as a gas station attendant he has to have seen a million crazy tattoos.

Good luck with this babe.

-Adna

Points: 5577
Reviews: 672

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Sun Nov 30, 2008 2:34 pm

Squall wrote a review...

Hey there Sheik. Welcome to YWS. Good to see another Legend of Zelda fan. Legend of Zelda for the win! Anyways, I've printed this out so that I could read it easier and made some notes on it. Here is my critique.

She was leaning up against the pump nonchalantly and staring at the clear afternoon sky.

Is "nonchalantly" really needed here? The fact that your main character is leaning against the pump already gives the impression to the audience that she seems relaxed and cool.

She wore slight tight blue-jean shorts that hovered a few inches above her knees. The shorts looked fairly new, but a rough, faded texture told the attendant that they were probably a few weeks old. Brown hiking boot with thick, black laces served as her shoes. Dried mud stuck to the worn sides and faded white socks that were peeping over the edge of the boots were barely notable. She wore a low, navy-blue tank-top with a bright blue dragon embroidered across her chest. A silver necklace hung around her neck and on the end of the necklace rested another blue dragon. An odd charm bracelet sat on her right wrist, and the silver coating reflected the afternoon sunlight. Thick, silky, brown hair met at the back of her head to create a drooping bun. Even though the bun was a considerable size, heavy bangs fell in front of her eyes. Her keen, piercing blue eyes searched the sky silently.

Way too much description of what she's wearing. It really slows the pace of the piece down. You only need to use a select few of those descriptions to create a impression for the audience of what her personality is like based on her clothing. When describing, keep it relevant and short. Too much can frustrate the reader since it unnecessarily prolongs the actual narrative itself.

The tattoos started just below her shorts on her right leg. They instantly reappeared at her armpits and covered her chest, collarbone, right arm, left arm, neck, and even traveled up onto her face. Like her legs, however, the tattoos only consumed her right cheek and dodged her mouth, nose, and eyes. They continued up to her forehead and rested on the narrow gap between her right ear and right eyes.

Interesting concept. I wonder how it will be implemented in the narrative.

"Are you done staring?" the woman suddenly asked in a sparrow-like voice.

Be careful of your use of simile. I have seen quite a lot of writers that would use this convention out of context, making it seem awkward and detached with what's happening. Try to find another way to show the character's voice while keeping it in context with what's happening.

Her blues eyes were not hard or cruel as the attendant had antisipated.

Anticipated.

Alex glanced up at the sky. She felt that it was supposed to rain, but every time she checked, the weather contradicted her fears. A cold wind travel through the traffic and caused Alex to believe that maybe she was correct. After all, a strong storm could very well be blowing in soon. She hoped the pleasant weather would hold until she reached shelter.

Jacob hit the hard gym floor with a loud smack. His nose was bleeding profusely, his lip was split badly, and a pool of dark blood was already forming beneath him. His eyes were swollen shut and his cheeks were puffy and slightly purple.

You need to make it more evident as to what you are using the italics for. I assume it's for a flash-back since italics is a common convention to express a character's thoughts or past. If that is the case, then you need to establish a possible trigger for it. Right now, it just randomly pops up and I got real confused by it when I was reading it the first time.

"I don't mind winning, but even victory loses it's taste when it's easily gained." Reuben spat on the floor. "Who's next? And this one had better be good."

Would you be saying that in real life if you had won something constantly? It sounds so cheesy and forced, like one of those half-baked Saturday/Sunday cartoons that you would see.

Overall impressions:

This reads more like a cartoon than a sci fci novel, seriously. The characters' interactions are unrealistic and forced. I'll start with the first half of the piece. Let me ask you this: Would an attendant in real life be scared of someone like that based on the way you've described it? It's exaggerated! It's more likely that they will be uncomfortable, but it wouldn't be expressed externally, it's more likely it will be internally. Make it more subtle. I also thought you wasted too much time trying to portray the attendant's unrealistic fear of the character. He's not even a minor character. So why must this upstart get so much attention if he has no relevance with the narrative later on? There are other ways to show the bad ass attitude of the character.

The second half of the novel where Reuben and Alex were fighting suffers from the same lack of realism. I find it ludicrous that you are allowed to fight each and actually hurt them. In real life, there are guidelines in place to prevent this from happening. Did you not take that into account? This is very similar to shows like Pokemon where there is a strong emphasis on fighting since it has such an adrenaline rush to it despite the fact that people could get hurt (or killed). This is reinforced with the battle sequence itself. Jump 20 feet into the air? Seems like Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children styles. It may seem cool, but it isn't. More serious readers would be unable to relate to it since it doesn't happen in real life. They would be repulsed by it rather be drawn in to the novel. And trust me, having a serious readership is the thing you really want if you want to take this novel further. The fight sequence wasn't even that well written...he did this...he did that, she did this... it reads as though I'm playing an RPG.

Now you may be telling me "but they aren't human or that they have their DNA altered." Yea OK, but what's the point of having this plot point? So that they can do cool as moves? There has to be a purpose for having powers which normal human-beings don't have in terms of themes or ideas. Take Heroes the TV show as an example. In Heroes, yeah the powers are derived from their genes, but it is based on an important idea: How one chooses to use their powers. Some would use it for themselves while others would use it to defend the world.

I would like to see more of that running through your piece. Right now, the only purpose I see in having these "powers" seem more to make them cool and so they can fight in stylish ways. As the saying goes "With great power comes great responsibility". It will make your piece much more mature and enjoyable to read.

I hope my critique has helped and I apologize if I seem harsh, but it's my job on YWS I'm afraid. I wish you luck man.

Andy.

Points: 890
Reviews: 19

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Sat Nov 29, 2008 8:36 pm

Sheik says...

Thanks so much guys for reviewing this! :lol:

It is deeply appreciated! I will keep all of these comments in mind when I edit. Your response is very flattering and encouraging. I'll get the second chapter up soon.

Points: 890
Reviews: 70

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Sat Nov 29, 2008 2:07 am

Xena wrote a review...

yes your stuff flows nicely... though there was alot of description of the lady, it still came together clearly. except for the upside down sqaure tattoo thing, did not get that a bit..

"Are you done staring?" The woman suddenly asked

Quote:
"Nice doing business with you." She stated simply.

Quote:
"Are you serious?" He demanded loudly.

if theres a period you should capotilize the next word, not so with the ?... but you should really not use a period at the end of the dialogue if your gonna add a, she says to it... im suprised at how clear and organized this yet there is alot of weak stuff in here... clean your act up and you could go places baby!

Not two seconds later, the pump beeped loudly. The attendant stood up quickly. Just knowing that the woman was watching him intently made him nervous.

the flow gets choppy here with all the little adjectives, and short sentences and starts kinda sounding odd. and sounding like a list.. the pump beeps loudly, the attendt stood up quickly, watching him intently... you know? and this just is weird.. just her watching him intently... if a women like that was watching me intently when i was right by her trying to do somthing i might get nervous... same problem in the beginning.. at the least she was horribly unnerving.. thats at the least? what at the most? horribly horribly unnervingly unnerving? and again with all the quick little adjectives that already implied by their tone and just by what their saying gets repetitive. loudly horribly quitely gastly.. you know...

nice doing business with you. She stated simply.

i would assume she stated it simply.. how else would of she stated it? really complexly?

Then, without even glancing at the attendant;

everything about this sentence implies something suprising is going to happen, shes going to kill the guy with a shoe, shes going to do a little jig... Then, without a glance; she burped. the semi colon even makes us suspect, pay attention to whats coming up, dont misuse the semicolon! but then she just drives off... then, out of nowhere; she left. you know?

and ran both of them through the security system. She checked out in the security system as an honored citizen.

just tell me if this doesnt sound better. ran both of them through the security system--she checked out as an honored citizen.. saying it twice only interrupts the flow... i mean why would you say it again when you just told us he swiped it through the security sytem.. so of course shes gonna check out in the security system... theres alot of good stuff here, and it could be said in a lot shorter manner... but good stuff.

Points: 1090
Reviews: 173

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Fri Nov 28, 2008 11:11 pm

J. Haux wrote a review...

To answer your questions...

Alex is intriguing. At least for a first chapter, the aura of mystery works--her cool demeanor, 'indestructibility'. I think though, that if she remains too cool and collected, then she will seem less 'real' and become less interesting. But, I'm definitely curious about her, and her role in this society.

I like your description, for the most part. I think that when it does feel wordy, a few adjustments in the sentence structure could make it even more interesting. I love the transition in viewpoints, the mix between action and inner dialogue (or monologue?). And yes, I like the flashback in italics, and italicizing her thoughts would be nice, too.

If maybe you're wondering what I mean by varying sentence structure...I'll try to give some suggestions. You can pare down a lot of the words in your description, too, and hopefully create a more vivid image.

She wore slight tight blue-jean shorts that hovered a few inches above her knees. The shorts looked fairly new, but a rough, faded texture told the attendant that they were probably a few weeks old.

Does the "faded texture told the attendant..." seem like a roundabout description? To me, it feels a little awkward. Maybe something like "The shorts looked fairly new but, looking at their rough, faded texture, the attendant guessed that they were probably a few weeks old." I don't know. You can experiment.

Brown hiking boot with thick, black laces served as her shoes.

I'm sorry, I don't care for 'served as her shoes'. It seems unnecessary to say they served her as shoes, since they are shoes. I think it's nice to start the sentence with the boots. Maybe you can make some other description in place of 'served...", like "Brown hiking boots clad her feet, secured with thick black laces." Maybe 'clad' is a bit much'.

Dried mud stuck to the worn sides and faded white socks that were peeping over the edge of the boots were barely notable.

This sentence was headed in such a great direction! Nice verbs and personification! The only problem is the subjects got lost and confused. Dried mud stuck to the worn sides of...what? And is the mud barely (I'm guessing that's a typo? did you mean 'noticeable'?) noticeable or the socks, or the boots? The sentence is unclear. I'm sure you could fix it quickly, though.

A silver necklace hung around her neck and on the end of the necklace rested another blue dragon.

So, to me, this is another 'boots serve as shoes' sentence. Is it necessary to sat that a necklace hung around her neck? Unless you describe her neck somehow in the process, I don't think it's necessary. And...just a suggestion, I think it'd be neat if you started this sentence with 'another blue dragon', since you ended the last sentence talking about the dragon on her top. It might make a nice connection.

Even though the bun was a considerable size, heavy bangs fell in front of her eyes.

I'm sorry, I don't understand why the bun would affect her bangs?

Here's a minor thing, but it threw me...

Even though the bun was a considerable size, heavy bangs fell in front of her eyes. Her keen, piercing blue eyes searched the sky silently.

This outfit wasn't uncommon and it wasn't what had frightened the attendant. Her tattoos had frightened him.

This doesn't connect...Maybe you could rearrange the description to let her hair etc...come first, then the outfit, so you can make this transition.

Like her legs, however, the tattoos only consumed her right cheek and dodged her mouth, nose, and eyes.

...like her legs?

They continued up to her forehead and rested on the narrow gap between her right ear and right eyes.

Ha ha, typo. Unless she actually has two right eyes...?

The tattooed pattern was all the same and it was an abnormal pattern.

I like this sentence. If you want to experiment, you could try something like "The tattoos were all the same, abnormal patterns".

A gentle breeze passed through the lonely gas station and the rich hair of the woman was stirred slightly.

I think it'd be nice to take out the passive voice, 'was stirred'. "A gentle breeze passed through the lonely gas station and stirred the woman's rich hair." (also might take out hair 'of the woman'. Prepositions can lengthen sentences). You could also toy with a participle..."A gentle breeze, passing..., stirred the woman's..." "A gentle breeze passed..., stirring the rich hair..."

I don't have many qualms with your descriptions after that, once there was more action. It seems like you write most effectively with action. The sentences are clearer, support the actions, and (in the first scene) give insight into the characters. I like the gas attendant's reactions and comments.

Your action scene was great!

Well, I hope this was helpful. I enjoyed reading your first chapter!

~Jacquie~

Points: 3414
Reviews: 247

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Fri Nov 28, 2008 9:29 pm

Searria H. wrote a review...

*shutters* This was kinda intense.
As Demeter said, her thoughts and flashbacks should be in italics, especially her first thought,

Freedom is not what I thought it would be

because it makes the reader assume that you suddenly changed to first person, and then it just gets confusing.

In the second paragraph, I was sort of overwhelmed with the description. There was too much of it. Try to slip some information into later parts of the chapter. The one about her tattoos was a little better.

He placed the gas pump in the tank and looked up uneasily at the owner of the vehicle.

I'm not a big fan of double prepositional phrases. They aren't wrong, but I think that they break up the flow of the sentence. To avoid it in this sentence, I would say, "He placed the gas pump in the tank and looked up uneasily at the vehicle's owner." Your choice.

She wore slight tight blue-jean shorts that hovered a few inches above her knees.

Umm... slight? This worddidn't really make sense to me. Did you mean

slightly

Dried mud stuck to the worn sides and faded white socks that were peeping over the edge of the boots were barely notable.

I also don't like, "that were" or "that was." I would say, "Dried mud stuck to the worn sides and faded white socks peeped over the edge of the boots, but they were barely notable."

She wore a low, navy-blue tank-top with a bright blue dragon embroidered across her chest.

Umm, Is the blue dragon on her shirt, or is it another tattoo?

A silver necklace hung around her neck and on the end of the necklace rested another blue dragon.

This sentence was a little wordy. "Another blue dragon rested on the end of a silver necklace that hung around her neck."

This outfit wasn't uncommon and it wasn't what had frightened the attendant.

To separate the two uses of "frightened" in this sentence and in the following sentence, I would say, "This outfit wasn't what had frightened the attendant, as it wasn't uncommon." Something like that.

The tattooed pattern was all the same and it was an abnormal pattern. The pattern resembled a capital 'L' with an upside down capital 'L' right above it.

The words "pattern" are too close to each other in these two sentences. I would change the first sentence to say, "The abnormal tatooed pattern was all the same." You could also combine the sentences. "The abnormal tatooed pattern was all the same, resembling a capital 'L' with an upside-down capital 'L' right above it." It might be too wordy that way.

The attendant shivered. This woman gave him the willies.

If someone creeped me out, I would not lean closer to them out of curiosity about a jingling sound. :wink:

The attendant flushed and ducked behind the motorcycle. He prayed vigorously that the blasted pump would hurry up with its job.

I love these two sentences and the ones that follow about the attendant fumbling with the pump etc...

She dug around in it and produced her ID and bank card.

I would just say, "She dug around in it and produced the two cards."

How could that-that thing be honored?

Okay. With "that-that," I see what your trying to say, but the hyphen in between the two "that"s makes it seem like one word. If you type this one word, you can type the first "that," press "space," type the hyphen, put another space, then type the second "that" and put another space after it. That should make it a long hyphen instead of a short one, but with mine, you have to do it exactly like stated above.

She knew she had a thirty minute drive to Uncas, the thriving capital of Ashdod.

It should be "thirty-minute"

A cold wind travel through the traffic and caused Alex to believe that maybe she was correct.

"A cold wind traveled through the traffic, causing Alex to believe that maybe she was correct."

She hoped the pleasant weather would hold until she reached shelter.

Jacob hit the hard gym floor with a loud smack.

You need a better transition here. You don't want something too revieling, but I was really confused about how this was relevant until Alex came in.

With a fierce jerk, Reuben snapped his opponent's arm.

I would just say, "Reuben snapped it." Hmm. I'm not sure.

"Will do, kid, ya don't have to remind me," Liam's green experienced eyes shone with anger as he considered his enemy.

You need better punctuation here. The dialogue is two sentences, but I'm not sure where you want them. It's either, "Will do, kid. Ya don't have to remind me," or "Will do. Kid, ya don't have to remind me." Also, since there is no "said," in any form, I think it's grammatically correct to replace the comma at the end of the dialogue with a period.

"Great, you're going to throw a little lady at me?" Reuben shook his head in disgust. "Sorry, I don't hit women."

Both of these pieces of dialogue need to be separated. In the first one, period after "Great," and in the second, period after "sorry" or "but" after the comma.

"You arrogant son of a-"

"Stop," Alex's voice

Nice timing, Alex. :smt038

Allrighty. I'm guessing these people aren't human, since they're jumping twenty feet in the air and stuff like that. I've never heard of Gammas and betas. All I can think of are gamma rays and beta fish.

Your writing style is fantastic. As Demeter said, it's very flowing and easy to read. You do tend to jump a bit without any warnings. You don't try to show off your vocabulary or anything, but you do use good words. It's rather pleasant. Your action scenes aren't too "then he did this, and this guy hit that guy, and he fell with a thud...blah, blah, blah." It's very intriguing and keeps my attention, as grusome as it was. :wink:

I love Alex's personality. I'd love to see her break calm sometime.

I can't wait to read more. PM me when you have the second chapter!

-Sea-

Points: 35199
Reviews: 878

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Fri Nov 28, 2008 7:12 pm

Demeter wrote a review...

Hi, Sheik!

Wait – I recognize that latter part! Haha. So this is how it all gets tied together...

I'm thoroughly surprised by how well your pen flies, so to speak. By this, I mean that your text flows very nicely and it's pleasant to read, because there aren't really any awkwardnesses.

"Are you done staring?" The woman suddenly asked

"Nice doing business with you." She stated simply.

"Are you serious?" He demanded loudly.

Even though the piece of dialogue ends with a period or a question mark, its sayer (new word) should still be uncapitalized, except when it's "Jacob" or "Alex" or any other name. And in the case of the second quote, it should retyped like this:
"Nice doing business with you", she stated simply.
You know, when the dialogue should end with a period, and you still want to have a "he/she/anyone said", the period kind of turns into a comma. Make sense?

How could that-that thing be honored?

What's with "that-that"?

Hmm, I'm wondering if it was better on italics: How can that thing be honored? It might be, but then again, there's really nothing wrong with it now.

Not two seconds later

Huh?

Just knowing that the woman was watching himcomma intently made him nervous.

right eyes

blues eyes

Some extra S's here.

antisipated

It's spelt "anticipated".

About your question: Yes. I think you should change Alex's thoughts and flashbacks to italics.

Alex:
Well done on her! She seems real, even though this was only the first chapter. It will be interesting to get to know more about her, like what's with the tattoos and the whole guy crew.

Plot:
As I said, it'll be interesting to see what will happen and find out more about the background. I don't think I've ever really read anything like this!

Other:
Beware your description, so it won't go over board. If there's too much information stuffed into one paragraph, the reader will only feel choked. So instead of telling everything immediately, subtly drop a bit here, another there. It will also make the story more balanced.

Well, I hope this helped. PM me if you want other reviews!

Demeter xxx

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