Published April 2, 2013
My best friend's revenge
By Cj
chapter 1
I moved quickly up the street, backpack bouncing over one shoulder. My apprentice, Raoul had called me, screaming in terror. That could only mean one thing. Someone was in our house who shouldn't be there. I burst through the door, every nerve in my body tensed, ready for a fight. There, on the couch, sat my apprentice, face white and the look of a killer in those dull, blue eyes. Across from him was my older brother Eric, gazing at my apprentice like a cat deciding if he was a mouse worth chasing. "Hello there, my dearest little sister."
Eric's voice sounded sweet and gentle, his dark eyes rising to meet mine. He had already taken our father's throne from me by force: what more could he want? "Go wait outside with Donovan, Raoul," I told my apprentice.
"Yes, teacher."
Without another word he stood and obediently went outside to stand with my boyfriend, shutting the door behind him. I leapt for my brother. We struggled but I knocked him to the ground, fury in my eyes I struggled to control. "Let's get one thing straight, Eric," I said, holding a knife to his throat. It was time to make it absolutely clear to my brother that my apprentice was completely and totally off limits. He had already taken everything from me accept my powers and my right as a protector. He would not take my apprentice from me. "You. Do not. Touch my apprentice."
He smiled up at me and I tightened my hold on his neck. "Say it," I said quietly, trying to control the urge not to kill him. "I do not touch your apprentice," He said finally, eyes fixed on the door. I jerked his eyes up to meet mine. "Again," I ordered, glaring down at him. He looked me in the eyes. "I do not touch your apprentice."
He jerked free from me and pushed me back into a corner. He reached out, stroking my cheek with the tips of his gentle fingers. He cupped my face in his gentle hands, forcing me to look into his eyes. I would not call him, "brother"
He lost my love and my trust as his sister long ago. "The boy was just amusement," He said quietly, stroking my forehead with a gentle hand. "I was waiting for you."
He pulled me into his arms, reaching out to stroke my hair. I hated him for all that he had done to me. But I knew that the times I hated him most was when he did this. When he tried to act like he still loved me, like he still cared. I wanted to cry but the years of protectors training clamped down on my emotions. I looked up into his eyes ' and even though I tried to hide the pain and the greef; the hatred and the longing ' I knew I couldn't forever. He knew it too. I pulled away and he tackled me. I jerked free from him again, sending him flying. He hit the window with a crash. The glass shattered and I could hear Donovan holding my apprentice back with a stern, "Don't you even think about it."
He leapt up and caught me in his arms. He jerked me to him and pushed my head against his shoulder. I pulled away again, leapt free, knocking the kitchen table over with a crash. He smiled, grabbed me and pulled me close. He took my face in his gentle hands and kissed me on the forehead. Then, laughing, he vanished out the broken window. "Boys!"
My frantic cry brought my apprentice and boyfriend scurrying to my side. Donovan saw the pain in my eyes and took me into his arms. His lips pressed against mine and my head tipped back, resting on his shoulder. Raoul walked over to us, shaken up but otherwise unharmed. I pulled my apprentice close and hugged both my boys, trying not to cry. After all, they were my world now. They were all I had left.
chapter 2
"Teacher!" Raoul's voice woke me instantly. "Cassie!" My friend, Athena's voice, made me run to them. "They took him," gasped Raoul. "Who took him? Athena, what happened?"
"Now don't be upset, Cassie," Athena said, trying to sound calm. I knew better than to mess with her. She was a keeper, and anyone stupid enough to mess with a trained keeper usually winds up dead. They have as near to god-like powers as you can get, both inside and outside their houses. "He put up a good fight," She said quietly. "Will you watch Raoul for me?" I asked.
She nodded. My apprentice looked at me unhappily. "I can't risk losing you too," I said finally, reaching out to hug him. "I won't risk losing you too."
He smiled at me and hugged me back, then gave me an encouraging smile. "Go make them wish they were dead, Meesha," He said, and I gave him another hug. In the ancient Kylon language that word ment sister, teacher, friend. I was glad he thought of me as all three of those things. Because to me he was Keero, my brother, my student, my friend. I gave Athena a quick hug and hurried out the door.
chapter 3
"Where's my brother, Simon," I said, tightening the rope just a little. "And where's my boyfriend?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Simon said, struggling to breathe. I banged his head against the floor and tightened my grip. "He left a gift for you." He gasped, and I loosened my giip a little. "Seriously, Si. My brother wouldn't leave anything for me. He doesn't love me that much."
Simon laughed and I tightened my grip on the rope. "She's in your old room," He said, grinning up at me. "She?"
"Yes, Sheera. Your old teacher and friend, the one who killed your beloved Salem."
I choked him again, glaring in hatred and anger. "You don't ever speak my teacher's name. Not in front of me ' or any of his other students."
I punched him, making blood gush from his already broken nose. I tied him up again and glared down at him. "Where is she?"
"Your old room," He said, sagging against the floor. "Shouldn't give you any trouble. He, uh, subdued her before you came along. All for his darling little ..." I raised a hand, warning him to shut up. "He subdued her? Sheera?"
"Yeah. It was a heck of a fight."
He smiled like he thought we were still friends. "Well, how come he left you to give me his present."
I knelt down beside him, grabbing his throat again. "He's ' he's in hiding," Simon answered weakly. "An old friend has come back, that's what he told me to tell you. He said for me to tell you he's sorry and he needs your help."
I glared at him, punched him again, then headed up the stairs.
Eric had taken everything out of my old bedroom accept the pictures of us on the walls and the bed. Everything else was broken or smashed, the chairs just bits of wood and the table not even recognizable. I stepped into the room and the lights turned on. I looked around the room and cocked my head when I heard movement. I looked over at the bed, every nerve in my body tensed. There she was, tied up in chains, head lulling from side to side, uncontious. Her face was bruised up pretty badly. In fact the only thing that didn't look messed up about her were those dark, intelligent green eyes. Simon was right, it must have been a heck of a fight. I could just imagine it: the ancient Kylon sorcery they both knew would have shattered everything in sight if they had gone that extra mile, which to me it looked like they had. I wouldn't have recognized her if it hadn't been for those eyes. Just then, Simon's scream cut through the silence. The chains snapped and Sheera fell to the bed, a glittering silver stone around her neck I had no time to examine. I ran back downstairs, shutting the door behind me.
chapter 4
I flew into the room, the door crumbleing like paper as I glanced around. There were twelve of them, snarling and growling, eyes on Simon. I leapt, spinning and kicking one. The shala, a half dragon, half human, died as soon as the lightning from my fingers touched it. The fight consumed me. All I saw were the Shala, Simon, and myself. There were screams. Cries. Yelling and kicking and punching. Then, one of them was on top of me. I struggling, shot it with lightning once. When that didn't work I shot it again, this time in the head. It fell dead, and I looked around. I stopped, staring in amazement. Sheera, half naked accept for the robe that marked her as a master of the dark arts, twisted the last Shala's head in her delicate hands. Simon whimpered quietly like a child caught in a nightmare. He drew a breath, then fell silent. I guessed some instinct or another had told him to keep quiet and hope neither of us noticed him. Sheera let the body fall from her hands and rose in one fluid and graceful motion. Those green eyes met mine, and my old teacher smiled at me gently. I looked around at the bodies as she fell to the floor, head lulling onto her hands, exhausted. How many of them had she put down? I asked myself as the sorcery slowly faded from her. I walked over to Simon and he whimpered quietly. "I told you she wouldn't give you any trouble," He whined pitifully, jerking his head at Sheera. "Where's Eric," I asked him, not daring to call him my brother. "I sware I don't know."
I reached out, grabbing him by the hair and pulling him to the ground. "Have you been lying again, Simon? Someone's being a very bad little boy, lying to a protector like that."
Simon whined and lowered his eyes. I turned around. Sheera was awake, standing up and leaning against the wall, those green eyes locked on me. Oh great, now I had to watch them both. I reached out, stroking the golden amulet on the silver chain around my neck as I fixed one eye on Simon and the other on Sheera. "Don't listen to her, Simon. You have bigger problems to worry about right now. Like whether or not I should kill you for the sake of both Athena and my apprentice."
"Apprentice?" asked Sheera. She sounded surprised. "He ' he told you he would not touch the boy," Simon whimpered desperately. "I ' I won't either, Cassie. I'll leave him be, I sware. Just let me live."
"Since when has Eric ever kept his promises to me."
I glared down at him, holding him in an iron gaze. "I sware I don't know!"
"I can tell you who has taken your boy, Aurora," She spoke quietly, calmly, as if she was in her master's house. She had no right to call me Aurora. Aurora was the Kylon word for victory. It had been Salem's name for me since the day I became his apprentice, a sign of love and affection towards his favorite student. I and seven others had been trained as a protector by one of the best ever to take the field. Hearing her speak his nickname for me as if it ment nothing, was a slap against my teacher's reputation and a slam to my face. We had been Salem's pride and joy. We had been his ticket to becoming a true protector in his own right. The day we proved to the protectors that we could take care of ourselves was the day Salem joined them: and on that day, he took us into his arms and cried. We had made him so proud. "My students," He had whispered quietly as the others cheered, "I hope I live to see the day when you take on your own apprentice. I hope I live to see the day that he or she gives you all the right to join us for good. I can tell you this right now, though. They will make you very proud, whoever that lucky boy or girl happens to be."
I had just smiled at him then, not knowing that two days later I would be holding his lifeless body in my arms and crying, screaming Sheera's name in anger and fear while the werewolves held me back and she ran off with the protectors amulet that had rightfully belonged to me. He had not lived to see me take on my first apprentice, Raoul. He would not live to see the day that the boy made me just as proud as he had been. He had not lived to see the day the others took on their apprentices either. And it was all because of her. There are three reasons we, us and our apprentices stay together for as long as we do: need, love, and hate. The hate helps the apprentice learn to survive on their own. The love balances out the relationship between teacher and student. And the need, well, we just need each other. "He has told you all he knows. I could tell you much more besides. I see my gift reached its destination in tact. Do you like having it back?"
I stroked the amulet that had rightfully been mine with trembleing fingers. It responded to my touch, warming in my hands, sensing that I was the student of its owner. I could do some pretty bad damage to the both of them with this amulet. I had seen Salem blow up a whole hoard of demons with this amulet. But I knew I was only supposed to use it in a desperate situation. And this, by know means, was not a desperate situation. This was just a situation where a traitorous old teacher of mine was seriously ticking me off. Salem would beat the living daylight out of me if he found out that the only thing I used the amulet for was to blow the head off of a trator of the Kylon tribe. Before I knew it I had crossed the room in two strides and was standing before her defiantly. I took a deep breath, cocked my head at Simon, fixed my eyes back on Sheera. "You have no right to speak my teacher's name," I said, looking at the both of them. "Neither of you do."
The door opened and I turned my head. "She is right, Salem's name is totally off limits to the both of you. Sence you killed our teacher, Sheera, the least you can do is have respect for his living students."
Selem's seven other students stood in the doorway, each one with an apprentice behind them, loyally standing behind their masters awaiting orders. Athena and my apprentice were there as well. When Raoul saw me he walked over and bowed respectfully. ,salem had left us his house. We all lived there and trained our students together. I guessed that Athena had told the others what had happened. I noticed that my fellow protectors each gripped their amulets from our teacher in their hands, yet another one of his last gifts to us. I made a sign. ,raoul rose and snapped to attention. "So that's him," Sheera said, ignoring the others and looking at me. She and Salem had fought over me for years. Guess who had finally won.
"That's who," Simon asked, trying to look past the others. Again, Sheera payed no attention to them. "That's your apprentice," She replied, as if I was the one who had asked the question.
"Yes, he is."
I nodded at the boy standing before me. Without a word he stepped to my side. The others stepped forward, apprentices behind them, and gathered in a proud, well formed line behind me. Salem had chosen me as our leader, and though some of them were jealous they had granted him his wish when he'd died. We had all loved Salem. We would've all willingly given up our lives for him. "Well, what is your name," Sheera asked my apprentice. He turned to me. "Permission to speak, master?" He asked obediently.
I looked over at the others. Even though I was their leader we were a team, a family. We made all of our decisions together. "As long as she doesn't lay a hand on him," Leo said. I noticed that he spoke the word, she, with contempt and total disreguard. I couldn't blame him. This was the person who had killed, no, who had murdered his teacher. "Permission granted, Eliot," I told my apprentice. Eliot was the ancient Kylon words for, my son. "My name is Raoul," He said, not bothering to bow his head in greeting. He, like all of our apprentices, knew who this girl was in front of them. She was the person who had dared to murder Salem, the protector who had defended his city along with six others against a hoard of demons and had lived to find a student and tell his story. He had been a hero, and still was a hero. He was a legend, not just among the protectors and our apprentices but among others as well. Unfortunately for Sheera, she was no hero. To me, to my fellow protectors, and to our apprentices, Sheera was a trator to the Kylon tribe and to us. She had been a protector too, once. Now she was an example of what we hoped and prayed our students would never turn out to be: a follower of the dark arts.
chapter 5
She leapt for me. Raoul ran forward to defend me but Athena yanked my apprentice back. "This is a fight between a teacher and her one time student," She told him, and I could see her waving the others back as Sheera and I turned to face each other. "Keep him away from us," I told her. She nodded. Sheera leapt for me again. Simon stumbled forward and pushed me out of the way just in time. "Did you just ..." I tried to ask him if he'd just saved my life but I couldn't finish the sentence.
"Yeah, don't mention it."
Sheera reached for him and I yanked him behind the bookcase with me. The two of us huddled together as she blow the bookcase apart, showering us with wood and metal. Simon leapt asside but Sheera caught me with one hand. Simon turned around to help but it was already too late. Sheera yanked me to her and the pain hit in waves. I struggled to breathe, struggled to keep from falling into uncontiousness. One thing about messing with a master of the dark arts and an X protector: they're extremely dangerous. `Teacher!" cried my apprentice's voice threw the hayze of pain. Just then, I heard a collective gasp from the apprentices, my fellow students, Athena and Simon as Sheera's gaze was torn away from me. I felt myself being lifted into gentle arms and heard a soothing, familiar voice whisper, "Not yet, my little one."
I opened my eyes and saw why they were all staring in wide-eyed amazement. Salem, our sweet, beloved Salem was standing over Sheera with me in his arms, glaring down at her as he stroked my hair. "Teacher?" gasped Leo. "It can't be," cried Jane. "It is I, my adoring students. Sheera and Eric did not kill me, they imprisoned me. I told them that one day a student of mine would fight one of them. The student would get into trouble and call me without realizing it. The power would be so strong that I would break free. I was right. I had no idea, though, that it would be you. That it was you they were after."
He stroked my hair and I rested my head on his shoulder. He smiled with shock when he saw my apprentice, standing obediently beside Athena. "Raoul," I said, noticing him too. My apprentice flew to my side and Salem's eyes filled with tears of pride. "You did it," He said, noticing the others. "You found yourselves apprentices."
He put me down and Raoul bowed to us both. His other students and their apprentices clustered around him, all of them bowing and giving him hugs and love and loyalty. "She was my apprentice too," gasped Sheera, her eyes on Salem. "And I do not deny that, Sheera." replied Salem with a straight face.
"However, I believe that you should take that up with her in a less violent way. Preferably in a way that won't force her loyal apprentice to kill you in an act of revenge."
Raoul smiled. Salem waved to the rest of his old students and their apprentices. "Let us leave them, my children. At least until they sort things out."
Raoul turned to me for confermation. I nodded. My apprentice trooped out behind the others obediently. "Good lad," I heard Salem say approvingly as the door shut behind them.
Sheera struggled to stand. Simon came to me and helped her up. The three of us stood facing each other. "Good kid, that apprentice you got," Simon said with a smile. "He'll make a fine protector one day, that he will."
I smiled back, my face glowing with pride. A compliment given to the apprentice was a compliment given to the teacher. "Thanks, Simon," I said, extending a hand. He shook the outstretched hand I offered him and smiled at me. "He is right," Sheera said quietly, looking at the two of us. "He'll make a fine protector one day."
"Tought by one of the best, Salem's student herself, nurtured by a few of the best to take the field, of course he will be great. They all will, in time."
It was my brother who spoke, and when he said these words of course the three of us werled around. "I see your teacher broke out of our little prison," He said when my eyes met his. "Of course I knew it would be you who would set him free. You were probably one of his most devoted students. You strayed from the path but once and learned your lesson well. Now that I think about it, he knew it would be you too. Let's face it, even the great Salem chose his favorites, his most loyal followers. And if that boy's anything like you he'll be one of the best of the next generation of protectors to take the field."
I couldn't speak, staring at the three of them, awestruck. All three of them had just complimented me and my apprentice. Even Eric, the one who had lost me as a sibling years ago, was saying that my boy, my Raoul, would be a legend just like I was and Salem. "I lied to you," He said before I could speak. "I have done some things that I cannot take back ' and for that I am sorry. I took your teacher from you, stole your inheritence, forced you to take on the leadership of a band of protectors who wanted nothing more than revenge for the death of their teacher. But there is a threat greater than anything we have ever faced and it is planning to attack our kingdom."
He saw me looking at him in a way that suggested that my brother had been abducted by aliens or something and smiled. "It is yours too," He said, stepping towards me slowly. "It has always been yours."
He reached for me and I came to him, running past Sheera and Tom and straight into my brother's arms. He pulled me close, hugged me to him, and I felt the long awaited sence of safety and comfort returning slowly. He pushed my head against his shoulder and stroked my hair, swaddling me in his warmth and protection. "I love you, little sister," He whispered gently, and when I looked up into those big brown eyes I somehow knew he wasn't lying. I closed my eyes, relaxing in his embrace, and said something I never thought I'd say again. "Love you too, brother."
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No. "I ran up the street." There you go. Or, "I marched up the street." Both are simple, and you can remove, "quickly." Because both show the reader that they are moving "quickly," anyway. Remember, the fewer words, the better.
"leapt" is not correct. "Leaped," however, is. Also, the narrator never mentions taking a knife out. It's as if it magically appeared in her hands.
Why not show him walking or strolling over to you? Did he just teleport to your corner?
Other reviewers have stated things I've wanted to say. So I'll just leave it at here Sheera. Edit, edit, edit. And spell-check, and grammar check.
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review.
I hope you're still working on this piece. I realized after my review that you had posted this back in April. If you're not working on this anymore, my apologies. But if you are, I hope this helps. Either way, I enjoyed reading this.
Alright, I'm going to break this review up by chapter. That way it'll be easier for you to find the things I'm talking about.
Chapter 1
*I think you should say 'hanging' here instead of 'bouncing'. It's just a preference of mine. That way you can show that her backpack is on one shoulder without reinforcing the fact that she's walking quickly.
*I'd like to know more about how this girl feels about Eric, her brother. There's a part where you mention that he took the throne from her by force, but that's all you say. Dig deeper. Later you do show how much she despises her brother, but I want to see that emotion up front. Show me how the site of him makes her blood boil or makes her hands want for a weapon. Work on the first impression a little.
*I don't think this sentence is needed. You go on to talk about everything that Eric had taken from her so it's unnecessary for this sentence to be there. Not to mention she tells Eric to stay away from her apprentice later anyway. It ends up being repetitive.
*this part is a little too smooth for my taste. It's a tense situation that should be written choppy and not so smooth. I suggest writing it like this:
See how this is choppy and more action packed? It's not smooth like you wrote it to begin with. It really focuses on the words being said and the hatred that this girl has for her brother.
So I'm a little confused after reading this chapter. I'd like to know why Eric came to see her in the first place. There had to be something more than just wanting to see her. All they did was fight. It was a good way to put in some character development though, so I praise you on that. I can't wait to read more and figure out what happens.
Chapter 2
This chapter is really short and kind of pointless. I think it has good information in it, but I think it could have easily be added into another chapter. You could've written it into the third chapter and just put a page break where you were changing scenes.
But overall I think the chapter is written well. The first paragraph is confusing. I don't know who is saying what. And I don't know who they is and who was taken. If you clear that up this will work better. I like how you introduced the additional character. You didn't take too much time to describe her, you just added her to the conversation and act like she's always been there. I like it.
Chapter 3
One thing I've noticed that you do is put two different people's dialogue in the same paragraph or even the same sentence. A rule I always follow is that you start a new paragraph when someone new is speaking. That way you can keep the confusion down and clearly show who's speaking when.
So who is this Simon kid? I can gather that he and Cassie used to be friends. But I find myself longing to know more about him. What happened between them that made them not talk anymore? And who's side is he on? Is he still friends with Eric? Make sure that you give us a little more background so we can understand who these characters are.
And does your main character know how to do anything but choke people? Gosh, that sounds lame and mean now that I wrote it out...but the point stands. I'd like to see her beat him up for real or maybe twist his arms behind his back. Change up her torture--for lack of a better word--ways.
Chapter 4
I have to say, I was disappointed by the lack of action in this chapter. Well, there was action, but it wasn't much. The paragraph you wrote is good and it left me wanting more. I absolutely love reading action so I was hoping for more.
I like how you gave us some background here. Now I understand who Simon is and what Cassie meant to him. And when Raoul came, I was surprised. i thought he would listen to Cassie and stay safe. But of course, he just had to be rebellious, didn't he?
Chapter 5
By this point I'm starting to grow a little weary of reading this. This probably would've worked better if you had posted each of these as a separate chapter. You would've gotten a lot more review and comments. But none the less, I will hold on and finish this review!
If I've read this right, it ended with a happy ending. I like that. I'd suggest that if there's more to this definitely post them as separate chapters. I would be happy to review them if you do!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey Sheera! I'm going to go ahead and say I did not read all of this. It's not that there's anything that awful about the writing. It was mostly the formatting. All of the bold is a pretty big put-off for me. If I were you, I'd be rid of it. There's just not much need for the entire thing to be in bold.
Another thing, next time you post literary works, you should consider making each chapter its own literary work. This really promotes more reviews! If this is an entire novel, you may also want to consider posting in the Novel Workshop in the Knowledge Base.
My review is going to be on the first chapter!
From the start, I was sort of wondering what's going on. You might want to consider including a prologue, or ask yourself if this is actually where the story starts.
"You. Do not. Touch my apprentice."
Breaking up the words for this to show seriousness is effective in movies, but in the story, I already know your main character means business. This is usually used as a tool for actors to express just how much they mean business, but in first-person narrative, I find it a little unnecessary.
You do start off with a bang. The action you described was all very exciting, but some of it was lost to me. You do have an exciting story line, but to the reader, we can't quite grasp your universe like you do unless you show it to us.
Good luck, and keep writing!
Well, first off, great story! the plot was interesting, though a little fuzzy. There where many spelling mistakes (greef, ment, uncontious, crumbleing, etc.), but i figure, "hey, everyone makes mistakes". You can probably fix em. another thing was that there were some random marks ----> ' <------- (that thingy in the middle of the arrows) and some stuff wasn't capitalized. so yeah. also, I get the feeling that you could put more detail into every chapter to length em. I was confused numerous times, and I felt that some of the characters were introduced without much detail to their name ("what the heck does that mean?" "I have no idea! Shut up other self!" (srry, random brain chatter.)) yeah....... I know I'm pretty much trashing your work right now, but I kind of got this urge to help you. So another thing that bothered me was that the whole thing was 5 chapters long. now, this is just a personal preference/advice thingy, but I honestly had a problem reading this story. It was long winded (like this critque =3!). But just as a future note, for some reason (idk why) but people don't like reading loooong stories (or long critques =3. Shut it other self! (really srry random brain chatter again). so yeah, hope you make more awesome works!
grief, "Cassie!" My friend, Athena's voice,