Published January 31, 2009
Well, the story begins in the house of Aiden Wright. A normal teenage boy, with an ordinary life. Well, moderately ordinary. Unless you counted that his mother was a single parent, and he had suspicions of her being a druggie. He was an only child, and had always wished for a bigger brother, but of course, it was too late for that
But any way, let us not converse about his dreary life (at the moment) and let’s return to our story;
"Aiden!”
He turned over in his bed.
"Aiden!!”
His eyelids fluttered open to his mother’s weary looking face; her eyes were droopy, her skin had a slight hint of yellow to it, and giant black bags were hanging under her bloodshot eyes. He loved her all the same. She was his only family.
He sat up, rubbing his eyes, and yawning widely.
"Morning." He smiled at her before she turned around, and stumbled from his room mumbling something about a visitor downstairs.
He sat up staring around his pig sty of a room, blinking twice and squinting his sleepy eyes, Aidan spotted a mysterious object hanging from the side of his working desk. Aiden made his way over to the thing and reached his hand out to seize it....
"Aiden you coming down or what?!" His mother’s voice screeched up the stairs. He twisted his head to the door, cupping his mouth and calling back to her.
"In a minute, Mum!" He looked at the working desk, wrinkling his nose, and blinked. It had vanished; nowhere to be seen.
"Seeing things now Aiden," he mumbled to himself.
* * * * *
Aiden made his way downstairs dressed in his normal attire of a pair of black, skin-tight jeans and a black jumper. How exciting. He yawned and rubbed his eyes. A pungent smell hit him in the face, nearly making him double over in revulsion. "I told her she can't cook." He sighed, shaking his head, and making his way to the kitchen.
But who he saw cooking was not his mother. Oh no. First off, it wasn't a woman, it was a man.
Aiden stared at the patch of black hair at the back of his head, and the shiny bald patch at the top. He couldn't really decipher what the exact height of this man was, unless he came up to him with a measuring tape. The man was wearing a greying suit and was whistling some stupid tune that Aiden hadn’t ever heard before.
Aiden sighed, another one of his mother’s clients?
"Ok, I don’t know how to say this kindly, but... Who the heck are you?!" Aiden blurted out.
The man spun around and smiled repulsively, revealing a row of yellow teeth.
"Hello, Aiden." His gruff voice replied, "I'm your father."
Aiden's eyes widened in disbelief. This couldn't be his father! The man who left his mum when he found out she was pregnant with his child? Aiden couldn't even look this man in the eye; forget speaking to him any further. Aiden shook his head, and turned on his heel.
"Oh, one thing," He started, "you better be out of here when I get home, or I'll call the police and tell them that you tried to abuse me." His "father’s" smile faded and formed into a look of shock,
"You wha’?"
"Can't understand English?" Aiden sighed and walked out of the house, leaving his father standing there, his mouth forming an "o", holding a butter knife mid air and one eyebrow raised.
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
I didn't see that coming
Guess I was jumping to conclusions when I thought that Aiden's father was dead ...
Nice chapter again, but there are a few things you might want to change:
I guess this is also some kind of an introduction of the narrator?
I don't know if you intended it, but in my opinion, it sounds a little too informal ...
It's not clear - at least to me - whether it's a third-person narrator, and if it isn't who exactly tells us this story. Who's the "I"?
And lastly, I think the scene with Aiden and his father was a little too rushed. Of course, Aiden's reaction is understandable, but you might want to give us a little more insight on his thoughts. His inner conflict, for example, but that's just my opinion.
Looking forward to the next part
MySunshine
I'm back again!! I hope both this & the other reviews help you out!! I haven't read the above review, so I apologise if I repeat anything...
Ok thanks !! xD
Hi there, SheepMonoxide! (Love your username, by the way)
I shall be your critique of the day
Let's get started with the nitpicks first.
So you're playing the part of narrator? Try to be more formal then, instead of sounding like you're conversing with your readers. But this is my advice. It is actually acceptable to write in the style you have written in. If this is an introduction, separate it properly so that we don't confuse it with being part of the story.
We encourage minimal CAPS lock in YWS. Remember that you can implement your bold and italics for emphasis and
Should it be his eyelids fluttered open? I think eyes are okay. From 'her eyes were droopy' onwards, make it a separate sentence from the front.
What a strange reaction. You should explain his mother's queer behaviour.
I don't think there should be a comma between 'mouth' & 'and'. But then again, you might want a second opinion. I'm terrible with punctuations.
Awkwardly phrased. Maybe you could change it to something like:
"Seeing things now eh, Aiden?"
Something along that line because a comment phrased like that doesn't seem appropriate for someone laughing at himself.
I think it should be 'A pair of black, skin-tight jeans and a black jumper'. You said making him double over, but in what? Revulsion? Double over must be joined with an adjective to explain its verb use clearly. Also, I think you're comma-happy like me. There shouldn't be a comma between 'head' & 'and' in the last sentence.
Yup, you're definitely conversing with your readers. I find it weird, but others might find it passable. Is it your style of writing?
Anyway, remember your CAPS. 'Never' could be italicised instead of uppercased.
The first sentence doesn't really support the 'loving' feeling you claimed that Aiden had for his mother. Another extremely important thing: You used the F-word, so this should immediately be given an 'R' rating. Oh, and did you know, Ok is short for Okay. Maybe you should make a habit of spelling it fully.
Smile is repeated. Get rid of the redundancy. Try: The man spun around and smiled sickeningly, revealing a row of yellow teeth.
I found Aiden's reaction a tad unbelievable and irrational. But it could just be my strange thinking.
Rephrase: His"father's" smile faded and turned into a look of shock.
No comma between 'sighed' & 'and'. His "father" suddenly became "the strange man"? There should be a hyphen in mid air. 'Mid-air'.
Overall:
It has potential, but you have to work on it.
It hasn't really revealed much yet, and is quite brief.
I shall not comment on chapter 1 because it was more of a message and I found it too peculiar to review.
You have a habit of putting comma between some word & 'and'.
Your vocabulary was fairly basic, and I think you could improve on that.
Simply putting it, you need to edit this and put more thought into it.
But it was not bad.
Also, remember what I said about the CAPS lock and your rating for this story.
~Have a nice day!