Published June 19, 2012
Just a short rambling story about my own experience of losing religion.
Rip it apart with your nitpicks and criticisms if you like, I need all the help I can get to perfect my short rambling story! ;D
Losing My Faith.
I used to believe in miracles, in God. Heaven and Hell, angels and demons. Every morning and night I would pray; for my family, my friends, for love, for loss, protection and safety. But what did this God give to me, what did I benefit from this almighty power above our heads, listening to our every whims, laughing at us when we realized that he’ll never help, never intervene.
So why pray? When all I end up with is a broken family, a father who doesn’t care anymore. One brother 20 miles away, one brother a hundred miles away; the other at home, drinking himself to death. A sister so angry that her father never bothers anymore that she takes it out on everybody else. Even I have my problems, I never shout and never tell them how I feel. I keep it to myself and sometimes it all comes out in silent tears buried in my bed sheets.
Where is this God? Who promised me he loved me, promised me forgiveness. This judgemental unforgiving God. The liar. All of my prayers: wasted breaths.
The other day I sat in an empty park. The bench was wet from the pouring rain. Soaking through my jeans, I sat on the bench my face empty, and I prayed. Memories of my childhood flooding back, I prayed and cried. I was not praying to the fictional God in who I used to love. No, I prayed to myself. I prayed for my brothers, and my little sister, I prayed that my dad would see sense and call me. Most of all, I prayed for my mother; my rock. The most amazing woman I know, who seems to be able to handle this all with a silly smile and a roll of her eyes, the most reliable person in my family.
And then a smile graced my lips as I realised that I didn’t need a higher being to believe in,to have my family and friends, for love and loss, protection or safety; all I needed was myself. My own soothing voice to fight away the monsters in the dark, my own soft words to stop my tears from falling, my own reassuring smile in the mirror to help me get through another day.
Without myself, who else would I be? Other than another thoughtless drone, dropping to their knees for any problem they could solve themselves, another person who thinks they need something almost impossible to believe in to feel as if they have a purpose. But I will not let that happen.
I do not need God to be my own person; only me.
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"But what did this God give to me, what did I benefit from this almighty power above our heads, listening to our every whims, laughing at us when we realized that he’ll never help, never intervene."
A questions mark needs to go at the end of this.
"So why pray? When all I end up with is a broken family, a father who doesn’t care anymore. One brother 20 miles away, one brother a hundred miles away;"
"So why pray? All I end up with..." etc. "another brother a hundred miles away"
"Even I have my problems, I never shout and never tell them how I feel."
"Even I have my problems, but I never..." etc.
"Where is this God? Who promised me he loved me, promised me forgiveness. This judgemental unforgiving God. The liar. All of my prayers: wasted breaths."
"Where is this God who promised His love for me, His forgiveness?"
"The bench was wet from the pouring rain. Soaking through my jeans, I sat on the bench my face empty, and I prayed."
"from the pouring rain. I sat on the bench with an empty face, the rain soaking through my jeans, and I prayed."
Just did some basic changes.
I like your piece a lot, though!
You are expressing yourself eloquently, but I think the narrative aspects of it are lacking. It says exactly what you want to say, making your point and supporting it, and the description, while accomplished, is added on to the message rather than being the channel to it. The emotional core is there, it is raw and honest, the voice of it is real, and I think it takes genuine guts to be able to write that, but I think the way this functions is more like an essay or an article than a narrative. Narratives are the sneak attack. On something like religion it is very difficult, if not impossible, to change people's minds or even get people to empathise with your point of view. If you state your point of view, people who agree with you applaud, and people who don't reject it at once, and it doesn't really matter how well you write it. What narrative does is it gets you emotionally invested in the character, and takes the reader through the journey to get to that same place. A basic way of making it more narrativey would be something like this structure
1) Sitting on the bench. This would be the time to use your juicy descriptive skills. Don't necessarily have what you are thinking about, work from the physical sensations. 'Face empty' is good, don't necessarily go into the thoughts, just what it feels like physically.
2) Maybe a flashback of you going through a day, praying, and being fulfilled by prayer, being happy. Show rather than tell, works most times. The more real this feels the more the loss of it will mean.
3) Showing the break down of that happiness and trust. Trying to fix it, but being unable to. Feeling helpless, trying to pray. Feeling betrayed. Working through that process.
4)Back to the bench, working from the physical to the emotional.The epiphany on the bench, the resolution.
It's the same story, but in basic narrative structure, orientation, complication, resolution, rather than having everything up front. That way, even if people don't agree with what you are saying, they can understand why emotionally. Good luck.
You are expressing yourself eloquently, but I think the narrative aspects of it are lacking. It says exactly what you want to say, making your point and supporting it, and the description, while accomplished, is added on to the message rather than being the channel to it. The emotional core is there, it is raw and honest, the voice of it is real, and I think it takes genuine guts to be able to write that, but I think the way this functions is more like an essay or an article than a narrative. Narratives are the sneak attack. On something like religion it is very difficult, if not impossible, to change people's minds or even get people to empathise with your point of view. If you state your point of view, people who agree with you applaud, and people who don't reject it at once, and it doesn't really matter how well you write it. What narrative does is it gets you emotionally invested in the character, and takes the reader through the journey to get to that same place. A basic way of making it more narrativey would be something like this structure
1) Sitting on the bench. This would be the time to use your juicy descriptive skills. Don't necessarily have what you are thinking about, work from the physical sensations. 'Face empty' is good, don't necessarily go into the thoughts, just what it feels like physically.
2) Maybe a flashback of you going through a day, praying, and being fulfilled by prayer, being happy. Show rather than tell, works most times. The more real this feels the more the loss of it will mean.
3) Showing the break down of that happiness and trust. Trying to fix it, but being unable to. Feeling helpless, trying to pray. Feeling betrayed. Working through that process.
4)Back to the bench, working from the physical to the emotional.The epiphany on the bench, the resolution.
It's the same story, but in basic narrative structure, orientation, complication, resolution, rather than having everything up front. That way, even if people don't agree with what you are saying, they can understand why emotionally. Good luck.