Published August 16, 2009
I don't know whether this would count as a proper poem? It's the first I've ever wrote and I'm not that familiar with how Stanzas work and all that. So I need major help.
It's a poem about something I've been going through recently, and what a lot of teenagers go through every day. :/
[Edited, already!]
I Don't Love Your Dad Anymore.
Fuck it,
Fuck you,
Leave me alone,
I'm not in the mood,
I'm never in the mood anymore,
She just sat there, crying, talking to me,
Telling me, "You can't help your feelings."
It's bull shit.
She doesn't think it effects me,
That it doesn't hurt,
But it does,
It makes me want to break down crying every night,
It makes me want to break down crying every time I look at the broken hearted man that my dad now is.
She says she still loves me,
She's still thinking about me,
Bull shit.
She's only thinking about herself.
Selfish,
Self-centered,
Bitch.
Fuck off.
I hate what she's done.
She's done it.
Broken our home to pieces.
Not that it wasn't broken before.
It was. But we kept on holding on.
But she did that one thing that made it topple over our heads.
"Me and your dad are splitting up."
"I can't help how I feel."
"I don't love your dad anymore."
"But we still both love you."
I'd never seen my dad cry before,
but he was then.
He was crying,
crying,
crying,
crying.
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Thankss, I'll work on it straight away. ^_^
Hello, sheep!
I think this poem has some potential, but could use a bit of work. To start, the organization stood out to me; the thoughts in this seemed scattered, and I understand that this could be a display of confused emotions and though, but I think it could use a touch of order.
For instance!
Here, you are using first person voice,
And here, you abruptly switch to second person, with no transition
Generally, in poetry, second person, or the "You-voice" is best avoided. People say that poetry is about showing emotion, either through a general or personal voice, and using "you" forces those feelings upon your audience without permissions for them to feel the tone for themselves. I personally don't care what voice you use, but I think it's better to stick to a consistent voice throughout the poem, dear.
[quote]She doesn't think it effects us,
That it doesn't hurt,
But it does,
It makes us want to break down crying every night,
It makes us want to break down crying every time we look at the broken hearted man that my dad now is.
[quote]
And here, you speak first person, inclusive. It's kind of giving a shaky stand to your poem, and distracts from the message you're giving us, dear.
The repetition of phrases and ideas gives the poem a slightly redundant tone. I wouldn't repeat, rather I'd try to present a new idea, to keep the poem rolling. It's decent, but at the same time, there are lots of things that can be improved. For now, it seems like you're handing us pieces of a story, and I think you should pull these together, poetically, and revise this.
Good luck
June