I was all up for another addition to the family. Bringing home a puppy or a kitten, some sort of playful animal is what I had in mind when my mother decided she wanted to brighten up our home. Never in a hundred years had adoption crossed my mind.
It was hard not to stare at him and his dark, cold eyes. I wondered whether or not we made the right decision in picking out Lucas. He was my age, seventeen, and knowing that, I wondered why he hadn’t been adopted by this point. It wasn’t normal to have such an old kid still in the orphanage…right?
Still keeping my gaze on him, I noticed his ebony hair flopped over his forehead in a smooth ash-colored flame. He was taller than me by an entire head, making me feel quite puny. A gray sweater snuggled around him and he wore some dark denim jeans.
Mom had her arm around his shoulder. She was smiling for the first time since my father’s death. Her straight teeth and mesmerizing smile made me lift the corner of my lips. Keeping my hand on the doorknob, I stepped back to allow them into the house.
“Welcome home,” Mom said with a warm voice. Turning her emerald eyes in my direction, she gave me a quick wink. “I finally brought your brother home.”
I smiled at him. “Hi,” I chirped. He was probably feeling uncomfortable, so I tried to be more inviting. Suddenly becoming part of a family wasn’t going to be an easy transaction for him and I promised myself and Mom that I would do my best to comfort him. “Welcome home!” I reached out to shake his hand but he didn’t accept it. Humiliated, I put my arm down.
“Liliah works part time at the diner downtown, so that’s why she couldn’t come to the orphanage with me.” Mom turned me and asked, “By the way, how was work?”
“Same old, same old,” I shrugged in return.
She set her purse on the hallway table. “Why don’t you show Luke his room?”
“Okay, sure,” I answered, giving Lucas a grin. Pulling his sleeve, I motioned him towards the staircase. For some reason, he reminded me of a turtle, slow moving and never distracted. Always keeping his eyes in front of him, never looking around, in fact he looked like he was on a mission.
Once we reached the top of the stairs, he pulled his arm free and my fingers released their hold. Peering into his neutral expression, I wondered if I had gone overboard with the sleeve thing. He didn’t say anything, so I didn’t say anything either.
Mom’s room was downstairs, but our rooms were right next to each other. We had to share a bathroom but preparations were already made for that.
“This is my room,” I said, opening the door. My friends had told me my room matched my personality. Robin egg blue walls with white boarders, queen size bed with bouncy white pillows and a light colorful bed, painted my room. Mom said it was refreshing and cool. I told her my room was a place of serenity.
“I like to keep things so it’s kind of cluttered,” I mentioned as I pointed to my shelves of childhood toys and stuffed animals. I liked my memories, if I were to throw them away; it would be like throwing away a part of me.
He seemed to be rather unimpressed. So, I closed the door and turned towards his room. “This is your room.”
Opening the door himself, he stepped into the blank room. His eyes wandered the plain white walls and bed. He had a desk with a laptop on it, a few books next to the TV stand and a set of video games I had spent days picking out.
“Mom didn’t know what you really liked so she left the room alone. You can do whatever you want with it, just keep it clean,” I laughed, trying to break some ice.
Ignoring me, he sat on the bed. With a leap, I instantly hopped on next to him. He turned his icy eyes on me and I fought forward with a smile. “Can I call you Luke?” I asked, cheerfully.
His eyes dove deeper as if he were piercing me with a thousand needles. Picking myself off the bed slowly, I said, “Well, I’ll leave you be for a while. I’ll call you when dinner’s ready…” I muttered, closing the door. As I rested my back against it, I let out a sigh.
When my Mother told me she was thinking about adopting a boy, I was quite thrilled. The idea of having an older brother was exciting and my Mother and I spent long nights talking of all the possibilities. Being an only child was a bit tiring, to finally have someone my age to talk to, to lean on…well, I was looking forward to it. But the ways things were going now, I wasn’t quite sure that was going to happen.
Downstairs in the kitchen, Mom was preparing some plates. Her golden hair was tied up in a neat bun and she was wearing a skirt with a white collared shirt and slippers. Turning her head, she grinned at me.
“So, what do you think?” she asked eagerly. Pulling me onto a chair, she sat down and looked me curiously in the eyes.
“I’m sure we can all work it out,” I answered with a shrug. Honestly, I wasn’t sure why my mother was so keen on picking Luke out of all the other children, but I was sure she had her reasons. I would never doubt my mother’s choice.
“I thought I was going to adopt a younger boy,” Mom said, looking down at the table. “Someone younger but when I saw Lucas, he was just…I think we made the right choice,” she answered with a smile. “I like him, don’t you?”
My mouth twisted and I forced a nod. Luke was cold to me, from what I had witnessed at the orphanage and through the last few months, he was much more attached to my mother than he was to me. In fact, we barely had much contact. Maybe the orphanage just couldn’t hold on to him, thus they probably let us off easily. I had heard that he declined all previous offers and we were the first ones who sparked his interest.
“He doesn’t really talk to me,” I whispered.
“Give him some time Liliah,” Mom said, getting up to finish dinner.
“Don’t worry Mom, I know,” I smiled. Luke wasn’t an idiot, from what I knew. He was a top student, brain almost as smart as Einstein. Grabbing an orange from the center of the table, I slowly began peeling away the skin, taking apart the segments. I wondered who the world was dumb enough to abandon such a smart kid, let alone never come back for him…
As I placed the orange in my mouth, I watched my Mother’s back as she moved around the kitchen. Two years ago, my Father passed away in a car accident. His death let my mother shattered to the point of depression. Constantly, she visited the hospital and took medication. Every passing day made her loose willpower and strength, that’s when I was convinced their love was stronger than any bond I had ever seen. When I told her to find someone new, in hopes of rejuvenating her sprit, she refused. “No one can replace your father,” is what she told me.
“Alright,” she grinned, licking her lips. “Dinner’s set.”
I told her to go fetch Luke since I wasn’t sure whether or not he and I were on friendly terms yet. He seemed angry with me, for some incomprehensible reason.
When he came down, he was in plain white shirt and some slacks. His hands dug into his pocket, his eyes strict as he sat down in front of me. Mom set the plates and then took a seat at the end of the table, between both of us.
“Wow, our first family dinner together,” She said shifting around her chair. Picking up her fork, she flashed a row of white teeth. “What kinds of food do you like to eat, huh, Lucas?” she asked.
Luke took a bite of the mashed potatoes and then looked up with this fork still in his mouth. We stared at him, anticipating some sort of answer. The corners of his lips tilted up just slightly and that was all.
I turned towards Mom and she frowned. Clearing her throat, she said, “Well, school starts tomorrow for the both of you, excited?”
“I’m actually looking forward to going back,” I answered. Looking back at Luke, I could see him pinch the peas on his plate with his fork. I guess he didn’t like the greens. Suddenly, the thought of going to school together popped into my mind. How would it feel to walk to and from school with him? Maybe we shared some classes. Would he make friends? Would he be bullied? My stomach became heavy with the thought.
I peeked at him again. He was crouched over his plate with his elbow on the table. Slowly, his eyes lifted to mind and I felt like I had been struck by a long needle. I bit my lip, feeling immobilized. When he looked down again, I took in a small breath, wondering what he was thinking all this time.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
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139,781 Literary Works • 672,759 Reviews
Ok so I realize this is a bit late but what the hay, I review anyway! Hey that rhymed.... I loved your prologue. It's a little difficult reading real time because it's so underused especially with first person but it was good. Now, I don't know if you meant to say this but I don't think you can "Wreck havoc".
From wikipedia. I don't know what to replace it with as I never use the word but it's a bit redundant and ultimately doesn't fit. Anyways, I've spent enough time here.I loved your first chapter.... It was like reading a published work. I hope i have enough time to read the rest of it... Anyways, the only things I could find "wrong" were at one point when your MC went back downstairs, you made it seem as if she had had experiences with Lucas before when in the beginning when she opened the door, you made it seem almost like she hadn't ever seen the guy. Clear that up a little bit please. Aside from that, I found a typo
That was it! Extremely smooth and brilliant!
Hiya!
Well I'm just gonna start by saying wow.
This is an incrediable story.
One I think you made a wonderful conection with the characters! I love Lucas already and all I've read of him is the prolouge. Just by the way you made him depict his emotions and how he described things I could tell this wasn't gonna be one of those stupid love stories. I notcied that the MC has some touching issues? Personaly if I were new to a home I would not want to be grabbed and pulled all over the house. I do understand that she is trying to show she cares. So kudos for that! It did seem that you were trying to put a lot of information into a small space. I love all your description on everythingg, it brings more into the story. Sooo I've read all of the chapters and I love it!!! I can't wait for you to write moreee!
Love,
Annne-Marriee<3
Ok, I don't usually do this this way but because there has been so many replies, I can't see your chappy when I scroll. So, this way it is!
Prologue
(Lucas)
With the cold floor chilling my bare feet, I look out the dusty window of the orphanage. My hand touches the scratched glass and I listen to the graveyard silence of the library. White flakes fall over the withering glass, leaving the lawn colorless. Smokey breaths escape my lips as I study the white wonderland before me.
Six years, I think. Six long years I had constantly thought about you. You were the first person to enter my thoughts in the beginning of the day, and the last person to leave when I went to bed at night. I missed you, Liliah. But one meeting is enough to wreck havoc. One meeting is all I need in order to lose complete control.
Happiness is what you deserve…
But I couldn’t give that to you. Instead, I snatched away your love, your passion. I was no better than a thief. But I promise this time, I’ll really let you go and end all this unnecessary suffering.
My hand drops from the glass, tightening at my side. Swallowing the chilly air, I soften my gaze, loosing myself in the pure white snow.
Who would have guessed? Six years worth of flames weren’t enough to burn these memories.
I love the prologue but I can't remember if there was one before. And I have a question: what in the world is he doing in the orphanage six years later?_______________________________________________________________________________________
CHATPER ONE (LILIAH)
If the family were a fruit, it would be an orange, a circle of sections, held together but separable - each segment distinct. ~Letty Cottin Pogrebin
~~~
Six years before
I was all up for another addition to the family. Bringing home a puppy or a kitten, some sort of playful animal is what I had in mind when my mother decided she wanted to brighten up our home. Never in a hundred years had adoption crossed my mind.
It was hard not to stare at him and his dark, cold eyes. I wondered whether or not we Was Liliah part of the picking process? If not, then it would be her mom, not 'we' made the right decision in picking out Lucas. He was my age, seventeen, and knowing that, I wondered why he hadn’t been adopted by this point. It wasn’t normal to have such an old kid still in the orphanage…right?
Still keeping my gaze on him, I noticed his ebony hair flopped over his forehead in a smooth ash-colored flame. He was taller than me by an entire head, making me feel quite puny. A gray sweater snuggled I like the use of this word. It's very visual. around him and he wore some dark denim jeans.
Mom had her arm around his shoulder. She was smiling for the first time since my father’s death. Her straight teeth and mesmerizing smile made me lift the corner of my lips. Keeping my hand on the doorknob, I stepped back to allow them into the house.
“Welcome home,” Mom said with a warm voice. Turning her emerald eyes in my direction, she gave me a quick wink. “I finally brought your brother home.”
I smiled at him. “Hi,” I chirped. He was probably feeling uncomfortable, so I tried to be more inviting. Suddenly becoming part of a family wasn’t going to be an easy transaction transition, maybe? for him and I promised myself and Mom that I would do my best to comfort him. “Welcome home!” I reached out to shake his hand but he didn’t accept it. Humiliated, I put my arm down.
“Liliah works part time at the diner downtown, so that’s why she couldn’t come to the orphanage with me.” Mom turned me and asked, “By the way, how was work?”
“Same old, same old,” I shrugged in return.
She set her purse on the hallway table. “Why don’t you show Luke his room?”
“Okay, sure,” I answered, giving Lucas a grin. Pulling his sleeve, I motioned him towards the staircase. For some reason, he reminded me of a turtle, slow moving and never distracted. Always keeping his eyes in front of him, never looking around, in fact he looked like he was on a mission.
Once we reached the top of the stairs, he pulled his arm free and my fingers released their hold. Peering into his neutral expression, I wondered if I had gone overboard with the sleeve thing. He didn’t say anything, so I didn’t say anything either.
Mom’s room was downstairs, but our rooms were right next to each other. We had to share a bathroom but preparations were already made for that.
“This is my room,” I said, opening the door. My friends had told me my room matched my personality. Robin egg blue walls with white boarders, queen size bed with bouncy white pillows and a light colorful bed, painted my room. Mom said it was refreshing and cool. I told her my room was a place of serenity.
“I like to keep things so it’s kind of cluttered,” I mentioned as I pointed to my shelves of childhood toys and stuffed animals. I liked my memories, if I were to throw them away; it would be like throwing away a part of me.
He seemed to be rather unimpressed. So, I closed the door and turned towards his room. “This is your room.”
Opening the door himself, he stepped into the blank room. His eyes wandered the plain white walls and bed. He had a desk with a laptop on it, a few books next to the TV stand and a set of video games I had spent days picking out.
“Mom didn’t know what you really liked so she left the room alone. You can do whatever you want with it, just keep it clean,” I laughed, trying to break some ice.
Ignoring me, he sat on the bed. With a leap, I instantly hopped on next to him. He turned his icy eyes on me and I fought forward with a smile. “Can I call you Luke?” I asked, cheerfully.
His eyes dove deeper as if he were piercing me with a thousand needles. Picking myself off the bed slowly, I said, “Well, I’ll leave you be for a while. I’ll call you when dinner’s ready…” I muttered, closing the door. As I rested my back against it, I let out a sigh.
When my Mother told me she was thinking about adopting a boy, I was quite thrilled. The idea of having an older brother was exciting and my Mother and I spent long nights talking of all the possibilities. Being an only child was a bit tiring, to finally have someone my age to talk to, to lean on…well, I was looking forward to it. But the ways things were going now, I wasn’t quite sure that was going to happen.
Downstairs in the kitchen, Mom was preparing some plates. Her golden hair was tied up in a neat bun and she was wearing a skirt with a white collared shirt and slippers. Turning her head, she grinned at me.
“So, what do you think?” she asked eagerly. Pulling me onto a chair, she sat down and looked me curiously in the eyes.
“I’m sure we can all work it out,” I answered with a shrug. Honestly, I wasn’t sure why my mother was so keen on picking Luke out of all the other children, but I was sure she had her reasons. I would never doubt my mother’s choice.
“I thought I was going to adopt a younger boy,” Mom said, looking down at the table. “Someone younger but when I saw Lucas, he was just…I think we made the right choice,” she answered with a smile. “I like him, don’t you?” Here she says that she was thinking of getting a younger boy but up higher, Liliah said they were going to get someone older so she'd have someone to talk with...?
My mouth twisted and I forced a nod. Luke was cold to me, from what I had witnessed at the orphanage and through the last few months, he was much more attached to my mother than he was to me. In fact, we barely had much contact. Maybe the orphanage just couldn’t hold on to him, thus they probably let us off easily. I had heard that he declined all previous offers and we were the first ones who sparked his interest.
“He doesn’t really talk to me,” I whispered.
“Give him some time Liliah,” Mom said, getting up to finish dinner.
“Don’t worry Mom, I know,” I smiled. Luke wasn’t an idiot, from what I knew. He was a top student, brain almost as smart as Einstein. Grabbing an orange from the center of the table, I slowly began peeling away the skin, taking apart the segments. I wondered who the world was dumb enough to abandon such a smart kid, let alone never come back for him…
As I placed the orange in my mouth, I watched my Mother’s back as she moved around the kitchen. Two years ago, my Father passed away in a car accident. His death let my mother shattered to the point of depression. Constantly, she visited the hospital and took medication. Every passing day made her loose willpower and strength, that’s when I was convinced their love was stronger than any bond I had ever seen. When I told her to find someone new, in hopes of rejuvenating her sprit, she refused. “No one can replace your father,” is what she told me.
“Alright,” she grinned, licking her lips. “Dinner’s set.”
I told her to go fetch Luke since I wasn’t sure whether or not he and I were on friendly terms yet. He seemed angry with me, for some incomprehensible reason.
When he came down, he was in plain white shirt and some slacks. His hands dug into his pocket, his eyes strict as he sat down in front of me. Mom set the plates and then took a seat at the end of the table, between both of us.
“Wow, our first family dinner together,” She said lowercase s shifting around her chair. Picking up her fork, she flashed a row of white teeth. “What kinds of food do you like to eat, huh, Lucas?” she asked.
Luke took a bite of the mashed potatoes and then looked up with this fork still in his mouth. We stared at him, anticipating some sort of answer. The corners of his lips tilted up just slightly and that was all.
I turned towards Mom and she frowned. Clearing her throat, she said, “Well, school starts tomorrow for the both of you, excited?”
“I’m actually looking forward to going back,” I answered. Looking back at Luke, I could see him pinch the peas on his plate with his fork. I guess he didn’t like the greens. Suddenly, the thought of going to school together popped into my mind. How would it feel to walk to and from school with him? Maybe we shared some classes. Would he make friends? Would he be bullied? My stomach became heavy with the thought.
I peeked at him again. He was crouched over his plate with his elbow on the table. Slowly, his eyes lifted to mind and I felt like I had been struck by a long needle. I bit my lip, feeling immobilized. When he looked down again, I took in a small breath, wondering what he was thinking all this time.
We'll know but she won't, haha! ANyway, Pink, I much prefer this chapter. I mean, my memory is not phenomenal, because I read too darn much, but there are several points I remembered pointing out that were fixed. Dianne, hospital, meds, her room, Liliah's reaction to Luke. Nicely done.
Now, I know the editing process can be a pain, but this was done very smoothly, it seems.
Great job, Wifey, proud of you!
Tanya
WOW. I loved this story, it kept me hanging on every word. I can't wait until the next chapters. I saw a few errors but all the others got it. I loved it, you did an overall great job!
~Cassie~
Okay, I hated it! I hated how the computer abruptly restarted! (gotcha *wink*) Anyway, hi, Miss Pink! I'm here to give you my review. =) I can't honestly read it again and point each nitpick I have, the reviewers above me have read through it anyway, I guess. So I'm of no use. I'll just tell you what I think so far.
First, I LOVE THE PICTURE! =)) I'm a fan of your artworks by the way. LOL
Okay, on with the work...
I think deleting "6 years later" before the prologue and putting "6 years ago" before the first chapter is better. Maybe it's just me, but reading "6 years later" feels a bit awkward, if you get what I mean. =| Anyhow, I love the prologue. It's simple, short, but fairly interesting.
The first chapter is cool, too. I'm interested on how Luke and Lliah's relationship will turn out. I just feel like there's gonna be something, something between those two. ROTFL After all, you put it in the romantic novels, didn't you? *laughs* I find the picture being Luke and Lliah. Awww...I'm excited now. =D/
Sorry if my computer had to shut down without any warning and delete everything that I had written. Yes, I hate it. *wink*
~~ Puppets ♥
I liked it a lot. I thought it was cool that you made it about adpotion and the struggles of an adoption child. Its really true.
Wow, I really like this
I'm definatly going to read more of it 
Yeah so I know this has been out for a bit but i see new chapters come out once in awhile so I finally decided to check it out! I say hurrah! You deserve all the exitement your getting!!!
I totally loved it! it is a really amazing story!. But even thought it's a cliche story, you made it seem not cliche. There are some words that are kinda odd xD. But i truly did love it, you're a great writer! hope to read some more of your stories!
~Book Person~
No worries! I was going to review all the rest, but I kinda fell asleep on the couch watching Drawn Together after breakfast. I sleep too much TT_TT
I saw him with two forks and squeezing the peas between them, even though that's not what you meant
On to the second chapter, for real real, not for play play (too much Drawn Together - rots your brain [if you dare to watch it, try and ignore the beginning, the real clip starts at 0:44 seconds).
- Jai
haha, that's funny XD
By the way, I think...I love you :3
Bahaha, just kidding. But seriously, I'm super psyched that you actually came to review this for me! Thank you.
Yes that part is in the future, by six years
Hooray for more editing!
Your right, I've been wanting to change that.
I guess a lighter version of stabbing?
Anyways, still thank you for the review! You rock, Jai!
And everyone else who has been following or reading this. I want to give you all gifts!
~Pink
Hey Shear
Was going to review these all the other day, but Persephoneia beat me to it on exactly the same day, and I had noticed that we had been reviewing a lot of the same stuff and so I went and reviewed something else.
So blame her :3
Anyway, onto my review (hope I'm not repeating anyone - I didn't read any of the other comments).
I don't think withering is a word, "withered" is though. I like how you've said the lawn is colourless. It made me think and recall, that yes, white is a shade, not a colour.
"I thought" shouldn't be in italics.
I'm a bit confused about Lucas' part here. Is it six years in the future?
At first I thought he was in the orphanage and thinking about his mother. But that seems really really weird.
1) How could he watch her if he didn't know where she was?
2) How could he look at her if she abandoned him?
3) Why would he call her "dove"? A tad creepy for a teenager to call his mother "dove".
4) If he's talking about his new foster mother, Liliah's mother hadn't been looking for a child for six years.
Yeah, this part tripped me up a bit.
I think this would sound better inverted, "He was attractive to say the least."
Without the "had" it sounds strange.
I think "humiliated" would work better here. Imagine yourself in her shoes. I would feel rejected.
Undistracted?
If she's already prepared dinner... then when is she going to call him? Get what I mean? Perhaps, "When I'm finished with dinner, I'll call you down."
Also, would it really be realistic that an orphanage is open late in the afternoon/around dinner time?
I find this weird. If I was planning to adopt a child, I'd make sure my other children also got a say in who was going to join the family. There would be a lot of trips to the orphanage, and my family and I would select together.
What do you mean by pinching?
So, overall, I really like the premise of this story.
On to the next chapter
- Jai
Your descriptiveness is beautiful. I truly appreciate finding young writers who can compose such amazing stories from bare nothing!
First of all- I just noticed that this was posted on my birthday. Kudos for picking an awesome day to post it.
Okay- now- I thought this was really good. I thought that you could perhaps make a more realistic worry about his absolute chilliness between the mother and daughter, but otherwise, I think you hit this spot-on. It's interesting, well written, and very well balanced. I'm definitely looking forward to reading more.
Nice write!!
-Coral-
Heya, Pink!
I'll hopefully be able to review at least one chapter every day. It will probably vary depending on what homework I get given and how much spare time I have. I'll try my best to get them all done as soon as I possibly can.
It's time to begin my part of our deal.
This might sound a bit picky, but this stood out for me a bit because flames are reddish colours, not black or dark brown. It just seemed a teeny bit off to me.
The reason I highlighted this part in red was because it seemed like Lilah's mum was still talking to Lucas. All that you need to do is to mention her turning to Lucas or something, and it would be easier to read naturally.
I'm being a bit picky again here, but I found this description kind of... bland, I guess? It almost felt as though you just put the description there for the sake of it really. That might just be me though because I have a thing about room descriptions...
This bit of dialogue sounds a bit awkward to me. I think it's the repetition of the word so. I've actually noticed you using the word so quite a lot, by the way.
You don't actually need the comma's here.
You started every sentence here with She. It sounded a bit uncomfortably repetitive. Try varying those sentences a bit.
The last part of this kind of contradicts itself. I'm not sure if that's the word... but yeah. It's because Liliah claimed that her mother was too happy for her own good, yet she then said that Liliah was happy for her. Do you get what I mean?
The last part of this dialogue was a tad bit corny, but I can cope with it!
Liliah mentioned to Luke that she was the one preparing dinner.
He's scaring me a bit...
Creepy...
Overall
As a whole, I thought that this was a pretty good opening chapter, Pink. You've got some mystery in the form of a slightly creepy seventeen year old boy and the plot so far is pretty open, which is a good thing. I'm happy because from what I can tell of the novel so far, this is my kind of story. It's what I'd read naturally. Although, if anything vampire connected happens, I might have to cry. When it comes to your characters, I like them. Liliah's POV is pretty easy to flow comfortably and Luke's character is interesting, even if he does remind me of Edward Cullen a bit. I didn't really get much of an impression of Liliah's mum, but that's okay because this is only the first chapter. As for your grammar, I didn't notice anything terrible. You had the odd problem with commas, but nothing worth commenting on. Your spelling was great, so there's nothing to complain about there.
My main critique for this, I think, is something to do with Luke. It's actually kind of going against what others have said... I don't want to scare you by saying this, but he kind of reminds me of Edward Cullen... Whether you consider that as a good thing, I don't know, but I wouldn't necessarily say that it is. The main reason Edward Cullen came to mind is because Luke's character is rather similar in some ways to him. For example, Luke is mysterious, good looking, kind of creepy, silent etc. Are you beginning to see what I mean? Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing that Luke is mysterious because it keeps the reader captivated and interested in him. I'm just slightly concerned that when Luke eventually says something, it will be something mean because he doesn't want to let Liliah in or something. Luke and Liliah will end up together and Luke will be really protective over Liliah. That's similar to Edward and Bella's relationship in Twilight. For all I know, I could be having the completely wrong idea, so I'm not going to go into any more detail. I don't want to make any accusations after only reading one chapter!
The only other thing I have to say is actually connected to your characters again... This time though, it's Liliah. Her character's pretty entertaining, but a small part of me finds her a tad bit annoying. I read that you wanted her to come across as warm and kind, but she was edging on a bit annoying to me. I can't say much at all there, taking into account my MC in my novel... but I want her to come across as annoying, while you'd prefer Liliah to come across as warm hearted. I do think that she comes across as warm hearted, but the small, annoying part of her seems to grab my attention more.
It's just that she seems to be trying too hard with Luke. You probably want to give off this impression, but there was something a bit off about it to me. Frustratingly, I can't quite put my finger on it completely. I think it's partly because Liliah was asking a lot of questions about her future life with Luke and she seemed a bit overly peppy to me, maybe? I understand that Liliah was happy to be having a brother, but surely, there would be some part of her that feels the other way? I think that you should consider the negative thoughts about Luke she was having as well as the positive. Even happy, warm people have negative thoughts.
As a whole, I really do think that this novel has potential. There are a few small concerns that I have, but I won't judge until I read a few more chapters. There are a few things I think you could edit a bit, but nothing that can't be easily fixed. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hey, Pink!
But who knows, maybe I will be surprised in the upcoming parts... Hope you'll keep writing, cheers;
Good storyline, it really makes you want to read more and more. For me, it was a bit like Twilight- having the mysterious, beautiful, strange boy of whom we do not know anything at first. To be honest, at the part later, when they are in the gym and you wrote that he wasn't even sweating, it really made me wonder too, if he was human.. But then I of course remembered him being woken up by Liliah and eating the food.
Lucy
I'm going to write what I think as I go and give my overall thoughts at the end.
I liked your preface. The detail was great, it's very intriguing, and Lucus is very alluring. I wanted to read past it to see what happens next.
This line felt weird to me. "He was my age, seventeen, and knowing that I wondered why he hadn’t been adopted until this point." Mostly the last part. It doesn't flow very well. Maybe just put a period after seventeen and start a new sentence with I wondered.
Overall, I liked it. The plot is interesting and you did a good job of immediately putting conflict in the story. Not sure if it's the main conflict or part of the main conflict but it was intriguing none the less.
As for the characters, so far I like Lucus the most because he's the most interesting. The others are alright, I think Lilah's personality could be more prominent and probably the mom's too, but that will probably develop more throughout the story.
The only thing I think you could work on a little is the dialogue. It feels kind of awkward at times. Maybe it's just a refection of the awkward situation that's taking place, I don't know.
Hey there, Pink. I'm here to review for you. By the way, I'm sorry for the late review, but I hope that it's good enough to make up for its lateness.
As a whole, this paragraph is okay. It doesn't grab the readers attention like a well-executed entrance paragraph should be. This probably seems a bit nit-picky, but there seems to be an over-use of adjectives, which are underlined and in bold. It makes for very simple sentences, and the sentences don't flow well. The have a feel of not going anywhere and being oddly disjointed and unrelated.
This is a style choice, so take it with a grain of salt: Since this is all thought, it should be in italics. Although, the formatting would look wierd since you have a few sentences split apart from the dominant paragraph. It may suit your prologue for it to all be thought so you won't just have this huge chunk of italics. Another option is split the thoughts up between the narrative, so it doesn't look so daunting as a huge block of italics.
This is a lot of description to throw at the reader right off the back like that. Since we don't have a good feel for the character or the story yet, the reader will wonder why they should care. More like than not, the reader won't remember these details when it comes down to it. A more appealing way to approach character description is to disperse it in little tidbits ie: He ran his fingers through his dark hair. That was a horrible example but you get what I mean.
I added a comma to seperate the two independent clauses with the conjunction. I added the period because it should be a comma if the sentence was a continuation from before the dialogue tag.
Again, this seems to be a bit too much information to cram into such a small paragraph.
It seems like a 17 year old wouldn't say they 'prepared' dinner. It messed with the flow of the dialogue and caused me to take a pause in the reading.
This is a ver subtle and nice way of slipping in a bit that connected to the quote. Very nicely done.
I took out a word in there because it seemed a bit wordy.
All in all,
before I even really got into the story, I'm in love with Lucas already. And as for the MC, well she seems nice enough. I can't really judge your characters yet so that's all I have to say about them.
Something that seemed odd to me was that you kept switching for names with the mother. Sometimes in the narrative it was Mom or Dianne. It got kind of confusing, so I think you should stick to one name for her and not switch.
On the story, there are a lot of different wats you can take it at this point, so I can't really say too much about it. There were a few typos that I caught, but there weren't too many. You seem to have a case of having a lot of info dumps. If you re-read it and look for it, I bet you can catch the ones that I didn't specifically point out. That's all I have for now. I hope I helped.
Always,
~Danie
I am really excited to see where this story is going! Right from the begining, I am in love with Lucas's character! I saw some errors in your grammar but those have already been covered. So I wanna let you know that I also do not "approve" of Lilah grabbing Lucas's hand to show him his room. Mainly because, she's seventeen, so it makes her seem childish.
Can't wait to read the next chapter!
Darn. My problem with making a review is that I forget the parts in the story which I have to quote but since I can't find them again, I'll just make this short XD. There were some grammatical errors in the story (which, like I said, I forgot where) and I noticed that you forgot to put a comma somewhere (No, not the 'Goodbye, dove.' part xD).
. You've got really nice characters and I can't wait to read more. 
Anyway, this is a nice and interesting story
Bye! I'm off to the next chapter XD
Thanks Shubhi and Zanakoku for the reviews! You both caught a lot of things that I otherwise would have missed.
I'm glad you like it, I do have a few things that are going on under the surface, haha, which is why I choose to do two POVs.
I'm glad you addressed the problem with the adoption thing, Zana, and I will have that explained clearly in chapter three
I also went back and changed how Liliah calls her mom by her first name. That was kinda weird.
Anyways thanks for the awesome reviews, I was getting scared that my plot wasn't as great as it seemed to me.
~Pink
Hello Pink~ Sorry this took me longer to get to than I had expected, I spent most of yesterday and today napping and watching Spongebob in a Vicoden haze, and was probably not in a review-y state. XD
Anyway! This does seem like an interesting premise for a story, and I’m very curious to see where things go from here on out. To be honest with you, I haven’t even got a guess yet as to what’s going to happen next, but I’m really excited to find out.
Particularly of interest to me is the prologue—I’m really curious as to who Lucas really is, and why he’s been protecting this girl and what from. There’s a lot of exciting potential there, and the atmosphere of the prologue definitely suggests a coldness, a fear, a sense of danger that intrigues me.
I’m also interested in that quote at the head of the chapter, and what it might mean for how the characters are going to develop from here on out. I think it describes this family really well—although I can feel a connection between them, there’s a definite sense that they stand separate from each other. Lucas, obviously, is very separate from the others, refusing to share his emotions or even to acknowledge the others. However, I think that feeling of separation exists between Liliah and her mother, as well. Liliah’s mother is so consumed by her grief that she has trouble relating to her daughter, and I definitely get the sense that that pain has rather grown between them, that Liliah just wants her to be happy and be her mother again, but Dianne just can’t give up her pain. There’s a sense that there’s a division between everyone in the family, and I can’t wait to see how it will come into play and how it will be resolved. I also really, really like how the orange metaphor came back into the story during the chapter.
The characters seem to have a lot of potential right now, too. Their interactions with each other work really well—I could feel the affection and closeness between Liliah and her mom, as well as the extreme tension that seemed to enter the scene whenever Lucas came into it. I think that’s actually pretty realistic—it would be hard to get used to a foreign presence being permanently added to your family even if they were social and friendly, so getting used to someone as closed-off as Lucas would certainly be awkward and tense.
I have to admit: I have a massive weakness for characters like Lucas, and probably have since I was about twelve years old. XD This might explain why the casts of my novels are all so socially awkward and unresponsive to each other. XDD So my fascination with his character might not be an entirely unbiased thing, but that doesn’t matter if it’s snared you a reader, now does it? XD But anyway, I’m massively curious to see more of his character, to learn more about him and to know why he’s so closed and quiet, and to find out about his backstory. I’m fascinated by and fond of him already.^_^
Liliah herself is pretty easy to sympathize with, she seems like a nice person even though she has trouble accepting Lucas into her family. I like that she shows such a mix of emotions toward him—even though there’s a faint taste of dislike, like when she asks her mother why she picked him, she also seems to want to make him happy and make him respond to her (like when she gives up on showing him the other rooms in the house because he doesn’t look interested). And at the same time, she had some scenes where she feels almost protective of him, like when she considers that he might be bullied at school. I think that this mix of emotions seems pretty realistic for the story so far—I definitely get the impression that Liliah doesn’t quite know how she feels about Lucas yet, whether she sees him as an interruption of the life she’s used to, as a boy her age who she thinks is kind of attractive, a sibling, a threat. She’s probably pretty confused about how to take this whole thing, and I think that comes off in the narration well. I also really like her interactions with her mother—it shows a really likable, selfless side of her that just wants her mother to be happy no matter how it might affect her life, and shows that she’s got character and a life outside of Lucas—always a good thing.
My main critique is a pretty simple one: I’m not sure that adoption, in the modern world, is quite as simple a process as it seems to be here. I haven’t done a lot of research on the subject, and you may have, so if you have and know better than me, feel free to ignore what I say. XDD But it feels to me like Dianne didn’t spend long between deciding to adopt, meeting Lucas, and officially making him part of the family—in fact, Liliah didn’t even get the chance to meet him before he moved in. I’m no expert on the subject, but it seems to me that adoption in modern times is a pretty long process—staying with and meeting the kids, going through all these validations to prove you’re a person who can handle being in charge of the child, all sorts of authentication and legal stuff like that—my cousin recently adopted two children, and it sounds to me like it was a pretty long and intense process. I find it hard to believe that Liliah and Dianne would still be so unfamiliar with Lucas by the end of that process, and that it could have happened so quickly.
Just a few nitpicks before I go:
Probably need a comma after “goodbye.”
This description doesn’t really work for me. I think it’s the fact that “dark” and “smooth” don’t exactly go with “flame” in my mind—I was trying to picture him, and I got dark, smooth, hair, okay… then I kind of pictured his hair being on fire, and… you can see how that killed the image. XDD
This gets kind of run-on-y—I’d put a comma after “to come meet you.”
Anyway, I think this story has a lot of potential, and it looks like there’s something exciting going on under the surface for real. I’d be glad to read chapter two, if you wouldn’t mind me there! See you soon~ ^_^
Hey Pink. I had done a long review, but deleted it. So I would write whatever I can remember, okay? I would make up to it in the next chapter.
The character is talking directly to the dove, so there should be a comma like I have put.This quote was beautiful, and I really liked it. It shows that how serious you're about your work, and how you have done your research.
The way it has been written looks like the MC and her mother share the same room. You can show her pointing the things in different directions to show the rooms.
The 'fate' description can suit the back of the book once it has been published. It would look ideal for the readers.
This story kind of intrigues me and I am really interested in knowing how exactly this family is going to become and what would exactly happen here. You didn't give away much of the story which is quite good and difficult to hide but you managed pretty well with it.
Now there was this one thing that I have to tell you. I found it quite weird that MC, after being described as a sober and descent girl, calls her mother by name when talking to us. I believe that this set up somewhere in America, but still people don't call their parents by name for the rare exception of Bella from Twilight. i used to hate her this quality. So, this kind of seemed contrary to her character and you can check on to that.
The MC till now which should be most developed kind of looked under-developed to me here. She doesn't have anything special or weird in her personality, and she looks over-friendly to me now. Maybe I am wrong. But this was what I felt.
Don't stop writing it, and I promise that the next chapter's review would be better and more helpful.
Keep Writing,
~Shubhi
Please Please PLEASE write another part soon!!! I feel almost as addicted to this novel(if u take it that far) as I was with Vampire Academy and The Twilight Saga!!!
I love the part about the orange cuz it really connects back to the quote, and adds more character to the scene.
I think you should describe Lilliah, Lucas and the mother a bit more, so they have more detail at the start of the story and you can picture it better.
I also love the end of the chapter, its makes you want to read more!!!
Keep Writing!!!
Yours Truly,
WelcomingExeption
I know you already have a bunch of helpful reviews so I'm going to keep this real short. I love it. So much. It's very close to perfect, in my mind. The sanctuary part at the end felt kind of odd and unrelated, but other than that, it felt like a book I'd buy in the book-store. And now I'm dying to read more. Please PM me when you post another chapter. This is seriously good! I'll try to be of more use next time!
Ofir
Heyo Pink!
This doesn't seem like something at the beginning of the chapter. It would probably be fine on the back cover thing. Just my thoughts.Okay, that's an interesting piece. I did quite like it. Well, onto the review.
I didn't like this bit of description. It seemed too forced, to give a happy-sunshiney girl appearance and it was a lot of 'telling' I would suggest re-writing this entire bit, to make it sound better and something that doesn't bore the reader.
This is a bit too awkward for someone to ask when she knows Lucas hasn't responded to her yet. Don't go overboard with the who 'sweet-li'l girl' thing.
Once again, the descriptions are bland and well, instead of clothes you could describe other things. Like maybe some usual habit of hers when irritated/exhausted etc. That would give the reader a better connection to the characters.
Well, you don't have to give off this information so soon. You could always give this out later. It's like "because of this, she's like this. Period." I would rather you show us more, or maybe not. Don't be so outright.
Well, the italicized bits are weird because from this POV, how would she know that? She can speculate, that's all.
Overall, good plot. Not many major nitpicks, so I skipped over the one/two I found.
My main problem with this is that it lacks connection with the reader. There's no emotional description, nor is there some sort of believeabilty and likeability with the MC. Well, as a first chapter, you need to pull us into the story and this could do with more in that respect.
And one little note:
Bear in mind that too much of opposite-ness might end up ruining it.
Keep writing.
Cheers,
~Lava
Here for a review as promised
This sentance is a bit confusing, by saying they sat impressivley it implies that Lilah is proud of them being there. But then you keep them in boxes in your closet and if the boxes are in your closet then why is the room cluttered?
Other than those things I have nothing else to say. This is really good! It's such an interesting idea especially with the idea of school starting tomorrow. Your writing is good, too, and gets her personality across. I like how she wants to help her mother, thats very nice of her. Can you please PM the next chapter?
edited
Thanks for the reviews!
I was honestly going for a little bit of creepy factor in Lucas. I want people to see him as if he could do anything at anytime.
While Liliah as someone very warm hearted and pure.
Also the orange part, well I added that there as a connection with the quote, if you know what I mean.
Anyways, thanks again!
~Pink
Well, Pink, I'm here!!
Haha, another great start to a story. Phoenix has already picked out the mistakes I noticed, so I won't go over those.
You definitely have me intrigued here. I can't wait to find out why Lucas is so quite and serious. I mean, maybe it's because he never thought he'd get adopted or something and he can't seem to believe his luck. Maybe it goes deeper than that.
Either way, I really like this. I like Liliah's personality and how clear it is she loves her mother. I'm not sure I 'approve' of her taking his hand to run upstairs, considering how he'd refused to give her his hand previously. The fact that she seems unsure seems good, though. Anyway, that's just my opinion.
Thanks for letting me review this great story, Pm me for the next?
Tanya
Phoenix lands to review
I'll nitpick a little
meet
I like the turtle comparison.
The didn't say anything back seems a bit repetitive. Plus you can't really not say anything back. You can not say something .
She never referred to them as scary before just deep and cold. In my opinion that does not lean toward scary. This is a bit contradictory. At least hint that his eyes can be scary in the other times you mention his eyes.
be careful with tags usage if the reader stops to try to imagine the particular tag then it is not good. This one made me stop.
This seems like a odd word choice. I think you can simplify this because it's not that interesting of action.
Okay it was a nice piece. I didn't notice many problems and it was a easy read that flowed nicely. Overall interesting and I'm curious as to if this is headed in the direction I think it is.
Phoenix flies away
Hey Pink! So I don't really like being too nit picky. So I'll stick to the general stuff.
Pretty good description. If you could mix in Lucas' general description with the rest of the story it might flow better. I also feel that you make him seem a bit too creepy. I know that you want to get across the point of him being distant. I just think that if you want it to be a romance novel there should be a bit less creep factor in the kid.
Liliah seems like a really nice warm person, I think this is what you mean to get across. So thats all good. I would expect her to react a bit more to his being creepy, at the moment she just seems exasperated.
I like the emotions that you are getting at here, the death of the father in the family has also been mixed into the story well.
I look forward to seeing where this goes. Good work so far.