The day started normal
Just like any other day
The rain fell without a breath
But the tree fell anyway
We lost power but it was alright
We got a generator and once again our lights shone bright.
But that night things changed
Your breath was slowly taken away
Off you went in the ambulance
I followed with tear filled eyes
I sat in the hospital room surrounded by white
They told me you were gone
My heart took flight.
I screamed and cried to no avail
For you big loving heart no longer beat.
It failed you and it failed me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Great poem could use some work other than that great storyline. Keep it up!
Hi,
Very good job on expressing emotion in the poem!
The second line of this makes your poem seem awkward. Try to shorten it a bit. All the other lines of your poem are short but this one is long. It just doesn't fit. Maybe something like "We got a candle and our lights shone bright"
I'm also unsure of this line. you should be your and beat should be beating, I think at least. Try something like "heart was longer beating"
Love this line. It was a perfect ending. I love it! It just wraps up the whole poem.
I can't wait to see more of your work.
If you need anything PM me!
Love,
N
there`s a weird gap between the first six lines and the last ten.
I can feel the emotion that went into the poem, it made me sad.
"But the tree fell anyway
We lost power but it was alright
We got a generator and once again our lights shone bright."
if you cut those lines out it would sound better, and most of the akwardness would go with it.
Other than those tiny little probelms, its perfect!
Tale of two poems. There's a gaping hole in the center of the poem - a critical disconnect between the first six lines and the remainder. I mean, the beginning has absolutely nothing to do with the ending. There's not even a passign resemblance. A metaphor, a parallel, foreshadowing, anything!
And the conflict of this poem is equally baffling. You never explain what actually happens. Yes, he/she died. Yes you were sad. Why did he/she die? Who was he/she? There simply isn't any substance in the poem's ending (or the beginning for that matter, but the beginning is irrelevant and excusable) for the reader to chew on. Characterize, imagery, details, details, details! It's just all too random and unimportant.
- Tear-filled ought to be hyphenated and then promptly deleted. I've heard it before.
- "We got the generator..." is an awkward line, try: "Our generator brought back the light"
- "I screamed and cried..." is redundant. But also, the previous line implies a more quiet grieving.
Honestly, it's not so terribly cliché that I wanted to bang my head into the wall. The writing is decent. But the plot is abysmal, don't get me wrong, this poem... has... no.... point.
LOVED that line.
I think it ended really strong, just wish the beginning could have been as compelling.
I loved the emotion that you wrote, but the words are a little awkward sometimes.