I know it doesnt flow very well, it isnt meant to. But I would love you to critique any other aspect of this poem!
Thanks!!
****************************************
“One cut” you said, “will clear your head.”
I took the razor blade from you,
Across my skin it went.
The blood flowing freely,
Made me forget.
I did it again and again.
Oh it made me feel so alive.
I loved the release I felt
As the razor blade glides across my skin.
But if only I hadn’t listened to you.
I wouldn’t be here today.
I would still be at home.
And I would be okay.
But instead, I’m in here
Getting treatment for being depressed.
I have scars all over the place
From my feet to my chest.
They say I tried to kill myself,
But it was supposed to be that way.
I told them that I was fine
And everything will be okay.
“One cut” you said, “will clear your head.”
I know that isn’t true.
Because all it took was one cut,
I wouldn’t be here with you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
One thing that I'm not a fan of in poetry is going in and out from rhyming to free-verse. I can appreciate both, but when the author fluctuates between one and the other for seemingly no reason I get a bit annoyed. The last four stanzas have a simple ABCB pattern, while the first two do not. However, I feel that they could be made to fit in with the rest of the poem easily. I've bolded what I've changed:
Minimal changes, but I think it makes a difference. The only other problem I have is the italicized line, but I can't think of how to rewrite it while keeping "depressed" at the end to rhyme with "chest." Overall, I think this is a good read, and if work was done on the one line I feel it could be even better.
This was a nice poem. It was cute and serious at the same time. I liked the way you worded it. Very creative and...beautiful. My favorite part was...
I did it again and again.
Oh it made me feel so alive.
I loved the release I felt
As the razor blade glides across my skin.
This was more...affective to the poem. Very good job. Keep writing!
Hello there, my dearest fellow poet
Right! If I'm going to be perfectly honest, I didn't enjoy the subject matter at all but that's a matter of taste really and has nothing to do with your skill as a writer; we can't all like the same things. Your imagery was kinda 'hit'n'miss' some of it worked really well and made me really think, other lines were somewhat forced and cleched... Yet this too is a matter of contention.
You mentioned the awkward structure, well this was for me, the best part of your poem. I love this kind of poetic device when used appropriately. YAY! It conveyed the narrator's struggle and unbalance, very clearly and emotively.
Overall well done.
Your skill as a poet is pretty good, it's just a shame that the topic of the poem isn't my cup of tea.
Love
Kris
x