10-13-10
Carla,
His mind drifted off in class again, and he’s truly missing you… you’re oh so soft heart, Carla you were his air, and without you, he was surly to stop breathing soon.
He signed, regaining his composure and stumbling back to the same work that had been laying on his desk, it had been there for some time now, though he doesn't really work at it anymore and he doesn't exactly know why. He used to be a real school boy and now all he does is shade in these hearts that the he drew in the lower right sector of his English paper, the stains of dried tiers portray collections of galaxies’ and stars throughout his paper, he made a promise to one day travel theses galaxies and stars with her, unfortunately for his lose, he looks down as tiers continue to roll.
I miss you Carla, true love.
-shawn
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, I love how short this piece is, allows the reader to think more personally, little to no background information leaves a lot up to the audience. The only real problem I have with this is point of view. Bouncing back between second and third person.
Here with this, the mix of referring to the narrator as 'him' and directing it to a 'you', at first a reader may think that the narrator is referring to someone else missing Carla. A friend, or such.
In the second paragraph however, the POV changes and its obvious that 'he' is the narrator, and the 'you' is Carla. Which can be a bit confusing.
Other than that though, its a very lovely piece.
This was too confusing to really be able to critque you're work today.
I know this category is called short stories but I don't think this stroy suits this length! It is far to short without enough detail to really get the readers interest. What I suggest is a little more hard work and editing then it will get better!
Never give up though-keep trying!
This was pretty short, my friend, but I love short pieces because they always leaving you wondering. Anyways, I like the story, but there are a few things you kinda need to work on, such as the point of view. Cannoncomplex, is right, you change to three different points of view, making it hard for the reader to understand what you're trying to say. I also think you should switch the second paragraph with the last one. It would sound a little better. Good luck and Keep writing!
Sierra
hmmmm....my first impression of this piece of work was a second point of perspective especcially with the word "you" on the first sentence.
Other than that, there was a little confusion on the point of view. I had first thought that a third party was writing to Clare to inform her of her lover who cannot live without Carla. This was supported by the fact that the second paragraph was written in a third person perspective.
Then again,the last line revealed that the 'third party" was actually the lover of Carla. This would come to a surprise since the majority of the letter was a mixture of third and second perspective. Now, you were you trying to experiment using the three point of views within the structure?
As for the context, the first paragraph seemed a broad and clear message that this guy surely loves Carla. But the next paragraph seems a little daunting. In here, you seemed to focus on what he is doing. The context in the second was also a little confusing. It would suggest that the second paragraph is set on a school since the word, 'school boy" has been there. On the other hand, school boy was preceded with the word, "used" meaning that the context of him in a school would be in the past.
Generally, it would be better if you given the age of the character or hints to support that they are in a certain age because i thought that they the characters were mature maybe near twenties or something but by the context of the letter it would seemed that they are young. So in a nutshell, try to clarify some things: age, setting, context within the letter to have the reader a clear look on the relationship.
Furthermore, though the use of the three point of view was good and creative, i suggest some work with the third perspective because it doesn't seem to correlate with the second perspective in the first paragraph