Published May 11, 2007
A whisper, a wonderance, wistfully asking why,
A sorceress, a dungeon, a dragon in the sky,
A blue bird, a butterfly, a ray of sunlight,
A lingering story, from morning till night.
A dangerous hope in the midst of despair,
A beautiful quiet when there's nothing there,
For joy is our sight on this unseen trail,
Singing our futures we know we won't fail.
A simpleness ringing of elaborate joy,
A contrary statement of what does employ,
But there is no secret when we show our heart,
We are but one when we all become part.
Questionless answers, softly sung on the breeze,
At the sight of pure beauty we fall to our knees,
We know not what is when we meet the truth's eyes
For what we now know may be nothing but lies.
Nothing is certain in this world so unreal,
We know only by wants, and by how we feel,
So let us discover what we can not know,
And then, only then, may we flourish and grow.
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While I don't neccessarily agree with this poem's message, I did enjoy the feeling that the poem gives and loved how the beginning captured a bunch of abstract ideas and united them under a single theme.
And I proof read this too! I must have been really out of it yesterday evening. I never write my poetry with the puctuation already in place, in fact yesterday I added it as I was posting it, so it isn't always perfect! Is what I did what you were trying to get at? I believe the rhythm is correct in that pair you mentioned, but I think the fact that the word know is in both lines and how now and know are placed next to each other may interfere with the reading, but I'm not sure.
Thank you both for commenting!
that was beautifully written, yes there were a few mistakes but i won't dwell on those
i quite liked the language you used, and the themes, my family liked it too.
keep up the good work
Not too bad, good meaning behind the poem, or so I believe. But there are a few glitches here and there.
A blue bird, a butterfly, a ray of sunlight,
A lingering story from morning till night.
Sorry, but the last line does NOT fit in with the rest of the verse, it hitches out of place, since there isn't a comma in the middle somewhere. Either that, or make it a new sentence?
Sining our futures we know we won't fail.
Singing I believe you want.
A simpleness rining of elaborate joy,
again, ringing.
We know not what is when we meet the truth's eyes
For what we now know may be nothing but lies.
I don't know, but I had to read it twice to get the right rhythem, i think you missed, or added a couple of beats there, compared to the rest of your poem.
But all in all, I like it. Similar to what I would write, so perhaps that's a side note...>_>
Keep up the good work.
Tata mwa!