Published July 11, 2010
This is the blurb of my novel 'In Love With The Enemy', which is a Jasper Hale fanfiction.Enjoy.
' "You can leave me for Alice.I know she is the one for you." I whispered,trying to hide how hurt I was.
"If you think about it, this way I will commit suicide without having to burn myself down,Opel." he murmured into my ear with honesty in his voice. '
The 19 year old Opel knows that in Riley Bier's pack there is only one rule; try not to get killed. As she struggles through surviving she meets a girl,Bree Tanner, who is almost invisible to the clan.They get really close until Riley rearranges a war between the Cullen family and them.There,Opel finds her real love.Jasper Hale who is a vegetarian vampire and is kind enough to save her and Bree.Okay,there is two problems.Jasper is a member of the Cullen family and he already has a girlfriend,Alice.
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKayyy....well, I'm not that familiar with this particular fandom, which is what I'll say right up front, but hmm, the first impression here for me are the two dialogues there. I don't think that quite works for something like a blurb. That paragraph at the end could definitely pass for a blurb but the rest of it really doesn't strike me as particularly blurb like material there, so be a little bit careful about how you go about that particular one. Otherwise, well, lemme just dive right into this little premise here.
Well, this seems like it'd be a pretty fun premise from what's mentioned here. It doesn't seem to be the most original of ideas I have to say, but this is a fanfiction anyway, so I think that's not too big of a problem, and it is the sort of situation that can get you invested as a reader. In that sense I think this makes for a pretty solid blurb of sorts here. It seems like a story that I'd potentially even read here, considering these sorts of things can be quite intriguing when done correctly.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I think it sounds good, the others have already said everything though
I look forward to reading more!
Okay, so this is a little confusing...I assume it's Jasper she's talking to, and
Okay...so the first thing I read is that She's being left for Alice, now Alice is already his girlfriend? So you've got a few things to work out, and once you do PM me and I'll review the rest!
Good luck with your novel!
~Hope
Doesn't seem like a blurb, it seems good though but there are some things that if you would edit will read better.
I will go step by step:
Red color means I would suggest you to skip these words.
Text in bold means I would suggest you to edit it this way
Blue describes my description and suggestions
It is better if you go like:
"You can leave me for Alice. I know she is the one for you." I whispered, trying to hide how much I was hurt.
"If you think about it, this way I will commit suicide without having to burn myself down, Opel." he murmured into my ear, her voice seemed honest.
You don't have to use those '__' before and after the text, it is not quoted but you are expressing a conversation.
It would be better this way:
There, Opel found her real love, Jasper Hale, who is a vegetarian vampire and was(I am not sure of tense you are using, so I'm using simple past tense.) kind enough to save her and Bree.
You can make it read better this way:
However, on the other hand, there are two problems. jasper is a member of Cullen family and he's already got a girlfriend, Alice.
There are few more things. You are not using one space after full stop, you have to leave one space after full stop and leave no space before it.
This is all for now, hope I helped.
-Chetan