Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
"GOD HELP US!" Are the shouts that are heard from behind the giant walls that surround the paradise that the Sintans made for themselves, An empire of human's who are perfect.
A place where they were split into two races, Those who think they are gods, And those who are beneath them.
Those who do not fit a certain qualifications are not welcomed and get banished to the worst place ever imagined, Where they live in fear and suffering to point where they pray to God they don't believe in.
But their "God" is about to arrive.
Dux is one of the Sintans that fit the certain qualifications he and his brother but it was not the same for their sister, As their sister had an accident and lost the use of her legs in the process, Dux witnessed them banish her to the Infernus.
Dux saw the truth, He heard the screams, He saw the fire, And he saw a mother throw her daughter to something worse than death without shedding a tear.
He disguised as a one of the filth and went to the banished place named "Infernus".
As he was looking around seeing the truth rather than hearing the lies he was told in "Paradise", The filth were lab rats for the Sintans, The Sintans tested their weapons on them, Their medicine, And still the filth tried to he each other.
As he was shocked by all the images that were flashing in front of him he heard a clam that said "Dux, Come this way young man".
He went after him as there was no other opinion, He followed the stranger into a house that seemed to be destroyed yet it felt like it had light inside of it, Upon entering from the broken door Dux saw his sister.
He was happy to see her not harmed or in danger, The people that took her in seemed nice at first glance but there is more to them than meets the eye.
He heard that clam voice again telling him "The people were waiting for you, they were waiting for God" Said the man.
Dux with confusion answered "But I am no god, I am just a human"
The voice got a bit deep and replied "But I can make you more than just a human, I can make you someone who will change the world."
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,095 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hi! *waves frantically at you* The name is Sarah and I'm here to review!
Okay, it's interesting. You see these stories around a lot, but it's very interesting!
Problems...
""GOD HELP US!" Are the shouts that are heard from behind the giant walls that surround the paradise that the Sintans made for themselves, An empire of human's who are perfect."
This needs some fixing. I've noticed in your story that you tend to add commas where there's meant to be a full stop. This makes it a little confusing for the reader to understand. You could write it like this...
"...Sintans made for themselves. An empire of humans who are perfect."
You see how that makes it look neater?
Also, I don't like what you did with the speech. If it were me, I would've put it like this:
"As I stood behind the giant walls, the cries for help overwhelm me. "GOD, HELP US!" I hear many of them shout..."
I think that makes more sense. But I could be wrong.
"Dux with confusion answered "But I am no god, I am just a human""
The voice got a bit deep and replied "But I can make you more than just a human, I can make you someone who will change the world.""
With these, you need commas. This is to ensure what action is taken place before or after the speech. So, the first one would be like this:
"Dux, with confusion leaking in his voice, answered, "But I am no God. I'm just human."
With this, it shows what the person is sounding like when they talk. For the second one, it would be a little something like this:
"But I can make you out more than just a human," the deep voice roughly replied. "I can make you someone who will change this world."
That makes it easier to read.
Overall, I think this piece is very interesting! I just think with a little editing, it could be something awesome!
Remember, I am here just to help you out. Don't blow me up if you don't like this review.
See you around!
Thanks a lot, I am actually still new to writing and I appreciate what you did it's helpful.
I will try and improve hopefully my writing will get better
Keep going! I know you can do it! Never give up, okay?
Also, you're welcome!
Hello, there. Here's my review.
First of all, you use commas to separate sentences rather than periods. If you're starting a new sentence, with capitalization and everything, you need to end the last one with a period. For example, "A place where they were split into two races, Those who think they are gods, And those who are beneath them." You can one of two things...either make all the commas periods or don't capitalize "Those," and "And." There are quite a few instances where this happens, so read over your story with this in mind and correct these mistakes.
Sentence "He disguised as a one of the filth and went to the banished place named "Infernus"." is confusing. Make sure you're getting what you want across to your reader.
You need to separate your dialogue from your explanatory words with quotations AND a comma. For example, in the sentence, "Dux with confusion answered "But I am no god, I am just a human"" you would need a comma after "answered."
Hope this helped a little.
Thanks for the help, I am still new to writing and I accept all criticism and help people could offer me.