The horizon lights up-
With flares of yellow and red;
As though spilling from a fallen cup.
You stared as the sky bled,
Blazing like dying embers.
Clouds wrapped around like bandages
Whiskey splotches and strawberry swirls;
The dying sun rages.
Fading into a blue so deep-
Troubles forgotten, knots untangled,
Slipping gently into blissful sleep.
The melting dusk, the ending day
The stars spell out in the sky-
You are going to be okay.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there! I remember reading this so long ago, and I never left a review, so I thought I'd do that today! c: I really enjoyed reading it the first time, so it's going to be fun to revisit this wonderful poem!
I absolutely live your language! You've included some very strong, vivd words that create quite an impact. Your images are so clear and colourful, and all I can really say is wow! There are so many poems out there about sunsets, nature, and all that kinda stuff, but yours really stands out - you've created such lovely imagery, and gahh I really loved the uniqueness of this poem <3 I don't really have any suggestions for you, so I think I'm just going to comment about what really worked for me in your poem c:
I would suggest using some other colours than "yellow" and "red' - choosing very specific shades / names can elevate this piece even more! Since you already have some lovely language throughout, I would love to see the same vividness here c: I'll give you some suggestions of colours!
yellow - canary, gold, daffodil, lemon, dandelion, bumble? cx butterscotch, honey
red - cherry, rose, jam, garnet, crimson, ruby, scarlet, apple
LOVE THE IMAGE OF SUNSETS SPILLING FROM CUPS! That is such a neat way to think of that, and since I associate sunsets with hot, burning colours, I'm imagining a cup of tea spilling over into a sunset - neat thought!!
"bled" is a really strong verb, and I think it works well, since you first talked about the sunset "spilling," and that gives a liquid-y feel, just like bled. hope that makes sense to you cx
The only thing I would say is, what exactly are the clouds wrapped around? Since you needed the last section with a period, the clouds part starts anew, so I think it would be helpful to clarify what exactly you're talking about!
BUT I LOVE the idea of clouds being bandages! Such a neat thought, and it makes sense to me, because the cotton balls (that are sometimes put under the bandage) do resemble clouds, so I thought that was neat c:
I love the alliteration of "strawberry swirls." That, and you introduced a very specific thought that also works a s a very specific colour!!
Okay so here we have a shift in the mood and tone of the poem, which is conveyed really nicely throughout the poem - it's not an abrupt transition, but a rather smooth one :)
I love the idea of unwinding here. It's like, the sunset has faded and the sun has gone to sleep, so now everything is relaxing and there's peaceful sleep under the comfort of the stars and in the dark. In the beginning, you had a fiery tone, but here it slips into a tranquil and peaceful tone, and I love the contrast between the two sections!
"melting dusk" -> such a sweet image. love the idea of dusk melting away, just like the sky was bleeding before. I love the continuity <3
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem! The transition from hot to cold was such a nice surprise. Your imager and language was so vivid and powerful throughout the whole poem! I love your take on a sunset and the images you chose to depict. I had such a fun time revisiting this poem, and I hope to read more from you soon. Hope this helped! ^_^ <3
Wow, this was a really beautiful poem and your imagery was so beautiful and descriptive. You described not only how the sunset looked, but what the viewer thinks of it.
You convey that just seeing a sunset can bring you peace and make you feel joy. That no matter how dark your day is, a sunset will always shine brighter.
"Troubles forgotten, knots untangled,
Slipping gently into blissful sleep.
The melting dusk, the ending day"
It was a gorgeous poem and very calming and peaceful, and then you throw in the phrase "The dying sun rages." It adds a violent touch to the poem and adds contrast to the peaceful scene the viewer was describing.
Overall this was a very beautiful poem and I think you capture the scene if a sunset perfectly. One thing I want to say is that you could try splitting the stanzas up to make it easier to read. But that is totally up to you, you can throw that in the trash if you want to. Can't wait to read what you write next!
Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL
Thank you so much for your insightful feedback. Glad you enjoyed my poem.
Wow, I really loved this poem and your use of imagery was amazing, not just of the sunset, but of the feelings the viewer has.
I really liked a lot of your word choice, as it helped bring the image to life, especially in lines like "Clouds wrapped around like bandages, Whiskey splotches and strawberry swirls." Not only did you create a vivid picture of the sky, but your word choice gave you an vague idea of the character, with words like "bandages" and "whiskey."
I also really enjoyed the line "The dying sun rages," as it gave the scene a far more violent feel. In addition, I loved the contrast between that feeling and the far calmer, more serene ending of "a blue so deep" and the rest of the end.
The end was beautiful and calming, and again the contrast between the violent imagery of the sunset, full of warm colors, and the cool dark night sky was gorgeous. You did a great job.
If I had to critique it, I would just suggest that you break it up a bit into more separate stanzas, as that might make it a bit easier to read.
Overall, great job! I really enjoyed this ^-^
Thank you so much for your feedback and suggestions. I%u2019m very happy you enjoyed my poem .