Young Writers Society

That was very deep. It made me get all emotional. Your flow and conventions were good. I hope to hear more of your work!

My favorite part:
Her name was Susie,
But truly she felt she had no name at all,
No name was satisfying enough upon her dead rose lips,
No name could capture who she felt she was,
She felt worthless, pathetic, dead to the world.

What name could describe who she thought she was?

She was a beautiful creature,
She had piercing blue eyes that could capture the world in the most graceful of ways,
But her eyes were now empty and lost,
She had glossy red lips that could slide, smack and purse with true magnificent skill,
But her lips were dry and had lost all true beauty.

How is it possible that her hollow eyes, empty lips and lost soul described her better than anything else?

She felt so empty inside,
This crushing sensation constricting her chest,
She couldn't breathe,
She could hear the echo's of her parents screaming
"You're pathetic!" They would scream
"I know I am" she would whisper in desperate return

What would you do in her space, live a dead life?

Her name was Susie,
But as you can see she truly had no name,
She had nothing,
She had no love or hope or belief
And that's how when she raised that gun to her shallow temple,
And that's how when that gun exploded in her hand,
That's how she painted her wall with the true beauty of life,
Death and Blood.

I loved it all. My rating 10/10

keep writing!

w&w

Wow, very deep. But i will admit i had to read over a few times because i got a little bored with it in the beginning but in the middle is where it started to pick up. What a sad poem but very true and real because some people do feel like this and they can relate. This part especially:


She felt so empty inside,
This crushing sensation constricting her chest,
She couldn't breathe,
She could hear the echo's of her parents screaming
"You're pathetic!" They would scream
"I know I am" she would whisper in desperate return

In that part, I put myself in her shoes and felt her pain and seen her troubles and understood why she was "dead" because she felt dead inside. I think it could use a little more work. But it was beautiful. Keep writing!


4/5!