Published February 12, 2011
Did you?
Did you see him say how he loved her in his melodic voice?
Did you see him wrap his muscular arms around her slim waist?
Did you see how he slowly kissed her forhead?
Did you see how she dipped her perfect hands into his denim back pockets?
I did. I saw it all.
I heard her whisper how she loves him back.
I saw his eyes fill with the image of their wedding day and the day their first child goes to school.
I saw him see me.
I felt my heart thrum, throwing itself against my rib cage, knowing it belongs to him.
I heard my heart shatter and the pieces smash to the floor in realisation that he won't ever love me.
I understood how my heart couldn't thrum anymore.
Did you see my heartbroken expression?
Did you see how I wanted to run and never look back?
Did you see how I wanted the world to end or at least for the floor to engulf me?
Did you see that one tear that I just couldn't hold in?
Did you see how that one tear lead to another?
Did you see how those tears lead to others?
Did you see how the tears never faltered?
Did you?
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141,457 Literary Works • 674,477 Reviews
I really liked this! The way you started it was excellent. The way you ended it was amazing.
Although, I think you should leave out the "Well," in the very last line- "Well, did you?" and just leave it as "Did you?" I really loved the way you described the heart when it broke. It was an excellent use of imagery. Keep up the good work!
I liked the idea of this poem, but I think it was just a bit too long and choppy. Sometimes I write poetry in the "list" format, but if you do that for too long it gets a little boring.
I would keep most of the last stanza, and the last "Well, did you?" is a great touch.
Keep up the good work!
-Alex
This is a good poem. I liked the structure and the Way you chose to put it together , staring with "did you?" then beginning the sentences with did you, then your feelings then back to did you. I thought that was pretty cool. Here are some points to look at, "his deni back pockets" was that supposed to be denim? Then, this is just my opinion you don't have to actually change this but, "I understood" sounds like it's too big of a word after did heard saw and felt, it seems out of place. In the first stanza it says " did you hear" followed by a bunch of "did you see"'s I would change that to "did you see him tell her he loved her in his melodic voice?" because that seems to fit better. Finally, "well, did you?" I love the way you ended it, but I think you should take off the "well," it sounds a bit different when you read it, but I think it will work better. It was a really good poem with good structure and it's a story that's a lot of people can relate to (such as yours truly). I hope I could help, pm me with any questions you may have. - Brigitte Rae