Published August 4, 2008
The night air was silent.
The industrious sound of the city was dead.
The shadows loom and daunt your every step, every movement, every flicker of the eye.
Not even the stars dare show their faces tonight.
There’s a man.
He holds a knife in his hand.
With that same hand he touches my face, his callous fingertips hard on my skin.
I’m scared. Scared he’s going to kill me.
His fingers continue down, down my neck.
I can’t see his eyes. Can’t see anything but the far away door with light shining through it.
Someone calls my name.
The man tears my skin with the tip of his blade as he turns around.
There’s someone standing in the doorway.
Someone’s screaming.
Someone calls my name again.
There’s no longer someone in the doorway. They’ve entered the room.
My neck is burning. Someone is still screaming. The sound hurts my ears.
Someone calls my name.
Then I hear it. The sound of stop-beating. Someone’s heart has made the sound of stop-beating. The sound is deafening.
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140,894 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
I like it... very real.. gave me chills! I think you have talent!!!!
Well, this work was a great piece of prose. I would use a little more imagery:
Maybe you could be a little more descriptive, especially in the few lines around this one. Maybe convey that he might kill you with:
I tremble in horror, for the blade may be
The thing that soon ends my life.
You don't have to use my line...just use what makes you feel content. And if you think your poem is best untouched, that's your right.
I wouldn't worry too much about rhythm in this poem, because I think with a little more editing (with imagery, and anything else you think would make your poem better) this would be an amazing piece. Good luck
ps. i didnt even read the first kastanzas till now.... the industrias city, ooh i think i likey... but then it kinda fell down.. and it could of been worded better. but i still like that.
hmmm... i dont think you can do that... stop-beating... i dont think thats a... a word. but it should be,,, it should be. i like the idea, but how is she telling me this if shes gotten struck with the got-beatings. shes dead right? so then i take it she heard the, start-beating... hahahha.. sorry. good story.
Yeah, these usually make me say, "Ahh, what the hell is wrong with this person." But the first couple of lines caught my eye. I think this reads more like prose than poetry, but in saying that it's very entertaining, good and descriptive prose. I didn't really like the stop-beating thing, just didn't seem to work for me, but this is very good writing.
Hi! I think this poem has higher potential than it's currently reaching. At the moment, I think it's a bit too much like prose and the poetic techniques are too few, but hopefully some of these suggestions will help!
I scored out the first line because it's telling us what the second line does in too obvious a way. Even the second line could be changed to 'show' more - 'the factories have fallen silent', 'the trains are locked up for the night' or something far better than my rubbish examples!
Also, you change from past tense 'was' to present 'loom and daunt'. You have the present tense throughout the rest of the poem, so stay with that. Actually, looking again at those two verbs, I think it would have to be 'loom over' and I'm not sure 'daunt' works here.
I think there are too many words here. Like in the first stanza, in the third line here you repeat what is essentially the same idea in two different ways. I've tried shortening it but can't come up with a decent suggestion that includes all the elements you currently have, but you'll probably have more luck.
I like the symbolism of the last line - she can see the light but it is distant. It's obviously an image that has been used before but it works here.
It's interesting that you report what happens in the second line as opposed to trying to convey the speaker's pain. That might have been deliberate but even if it was, I think this line should be reworked so that you have 'The man turns around', then the action.
I took out 'again' in the second 'Someone calls my name' because I think the repetition of the exact same line echoes the other person shouting for her. Maybe it's melodramatic, but you could even put an ellipsis after the last line to show that the girl's now dying and can hear no more.
I'm not keen on the section in italics. It just doesn't have much punch. You could refer again to the light from the doorway - maybe now it's completely blocked because the person who has come to save her is leaning over her.
That's how I'd edit the last section. You don't need to mention a heart for the reader to know what you mean, and I think this way it's more effective because it's a sudden ending, like the heart ceasing to beat. And you still have 'is deafening' to contrast with the silence at the beginning of the poem.
Normally poems with this kind of subject matter don't interest me (or they freak me out) but this one caught my attention. If you post an edit then let me know because I'd like to read it.