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Young Writers Society



The Bleak Horizon Chapter 1 part 1

by Shallowdepth


The earth quaked again as I put my hands in front of me before I fell to the ground. Luckily I did because another bomb came crashing down, heaving ruble and debris in the air. The smoke choked my lungs and burned my eyes. Panicking people were running down the street and I quickly got on my feet before I was trampled.

What was going on?

“Look out!” a man shouted just as the head of a massive statue came crashing down to the cobble stone street. It fell into a nearby building and smashed the windows into sharp shards of glass, which I had the joy of feeling as they plummeted toward the ground and tore my skin into scraps. I slowly opened my eyes and saw nothing but darkness and fire shrouded in dust. Looking up I could no longer see the clear night sky but the filth flouting in its stead.

I held my head in frustration. People were running in all directions and I stood motionless in the street, watching. What were they running from, besides the bombs falling from the sky in blankets? Who was doing this? What I hated the most was how confused I was. Believe it or not but I didn’t remember a single thing of my life before this. It was like I didn’t have a past.

One of my questions was answered when a herd of shadows jumped from the rooftops and savagely began slaughtering the crowd. Petrified with fear I watched helplessly, wide-eyed, at the creatures of whose characteristics were those I had never seen before. Their eyes were a fierce red and orange, as if someone had lit a match and set the flame behind their retinas. Their skin was a pale gray color and their hair was darker than any ink I had ever seen. Fangs protruded from their lips and dripped blood as the moved nimbly from kill to kill. Massive claws pierced people’s flesh and tore them open then to do the same to another person in the matter of seconds. Just being in their presence made me shudder. It was like that feeling you get when you’re alone in the dark, and no one there beside you. Images of myself having the same fate of those who just died before my eyes put a sick taste in my throat and mouth.

Just before I thought it was already emotionally over-bearing, sudden shock waves ran through the ground and coursed through my body. I crumbled to my knees and tears welt in my eyes. It hurt so much that I could hardly breath. My mind felt like someone was flashing a light on and off repeatedly until the nauseating screaming in my ears drew my attention. A good way to describe it would be like saying I was out in the middle of a barren wasteland and a sudden gust knocked the wind out of me and pummeled me to the ground, relentless with each strike. All of this madness lasted for only a few short seconds before it tuned down and I was finally relived, but only slightly. The pulses in the ground; they came rapidly, one after another, sending shivers up my spine. Dazed by this I hardly noticed the demon, so I assume them to be, staring right at me from across the street.

I regret for looking at it right in the eye because its gaze almost sent me into a coma. My breathing quickened and I waited to see what its plan of action was, I don’t know why though. It just stared at me like with the curiosity of a cat only much more gruesome. It cocked its head to one side, watching me with wonder. I couldn’t take it anymore. At the rate my heart was beating I was sure I would have a heart attack in a matter of seconds. What am I just standing around for? Run!

My legs seemed stiff and unwilling to move but I began running anyway, ignoring the deadness. Not having the slightest clue where to turn or go, I made a fast left down an alleyway and nearly ran into several different trashcans. At the end of the alley, I saw an already fallen building that created a small haven inside of its crumbled walls.

I ran into it and was suddenly masked in shadows. The next thing I know I had run smack dab into a wall.

My forehead was pressed roughly against the cement and I could feel the wall crack slightly where it came in contact with my head, then the slow trickle of blood running down my face. Gently, I felt my head and could feel a strange lump along with warm liquids.

I turned around and looked out into the street where the creatures that nearly made me scream ran across it and pounced on people. It seemed in my few short moments away from it that I had almost forgotten what they looked like. Watching one man be massacred into literally shreds made me fell queasy. Some poor unsuspecting person probably drew the attention of my predator. I bit my tongue until I drew the bitter flavor of blood in my mouth. I was ashamed by my weakness and how I did nothing but run away from those monsters instead of standing my ground. Not that I would be much use because I didn’t even know the first thing about fighting.

What really freaked me out is I had no memory before this. The whole time in the back of my mind I continually struggled in remember any occasion before this. I don’t know how I got here or where I was before, it’s just one big blur.

I looked back out toward the street where people kept pouring out into the opening and meeting their fate when an imp jumped on them and screams filled the already heavy air.

Something told me I shouldn’t stay there. I began feeling with my hands and moving toward the back, still facing toward the alley in case I saw one of the creatures come down it.

No, oh please, no!

Two of unclassified beings stopped and peered down in my direction. I froze and watched as they slowly began coming down the alley. Fight or flight? Fight or flight? I choose flight ‘cause I don’t know how to do the first one.

Slowly I crept behind a wall and step by step, started to walk further into the building. It was pitch black but suddenly there was a flash and it disappeared. I stopped and again it happened. I realized that some of the lights were still working but just barely.

I continued walking as quietly as I could; the sound of a rock tumbling made my heart jump. I whipped around to see two shadows creeping closer to me.

I had no clue I could run that fast when I darted into the darkness and weaved in between rumble and pillars. Their screeches sent shivers up my spine and not to mention rattle my eardrums.

The flickering lights didn’t really help because they only went off every five seconds or so, which stunk because I didn’t see a gigantic hole in the ground and fell into it.

The fall was just a big mess of blurs and chaos. Dim lights swirled in every direction until I finally came to rest on something sharp. I felt the warm sensation of blood flowing on my legs and arms. Propping myself up against a wall and looked around, but of course I couldn’t see anything because there was no light what so ever.

When I peered upward I no longer saw the flickering lights from the upper floor. The distant noise of the screeching and howling gave me some relief because it meant I had lost them.

In my moments alone I reflected on all the events I could before this dreadful night. I recalled an explosion and hitting the floor, hard. It was a marble floor beautifully decorated with markings that I couldn’t understand. There were statues too, but I couldn’t make out one single face. When I looked up, there was fire and the ceiling of the building crashing down to the ground. Mammoth rocks landed near me and one almost crushed me. I remember panicking, and running for my life. I ran out of two large doors and into a dense wood, then total darkness. Suddenly, everything changed and I saw more destruction only upon a city, this city.

I tried to remember anything before all of that but, there was nothing. It frightened me that I couldn’t remember my parents, or my home, or even anything that may have been important to me. If I even had any of those things. The main thing I remember was a constant hurting in my heart. To see all that devastation at that place and watching people die right in front of me was almost too much. I felt responsible, and ashamed that I did nothing to help those people when a creature of darkness captured them, and killed them within a matter of seconds.

The stinging of tears flourished in my eyes and ran down my cheek. I felt like a whole part of me had broke and there was nothing to replace but all of this misery and despair. I hated those feeling, I hated the loneness and the abundance of sadness that bore so deeply on my heart. I loved smiling, and laughing, and enjoying myself but I couldn’t call to mind one minute of when I ever had. I imagine myself like a newly born child, vulnerable, afraid, weak, and not able to comprehend the events that were surrounding me. And what were those vibrations in the ground?

Breathing in and out calmly I could feel myself getting light headed. I looked around disoriented for anything that might spark the little hope I had felt. For a split second of a moment, thought I saw a beautiful small light in the distance. I blinked, and at first refused it to be real because I may have been delusional. With all that is going on in my head I’m not sure what to think. I rubbed my eyes and when I looked again it was still there.

It softly floated toward me and twinkled red and orange colors. Stopping about ten feet away from me, it spun and twirled in hypnotic patterns that mystified me. Slowly I stood to my feet and reached out my hand for it. The light stopped its beautiful dance and flickered once or twice, when it detonated. I sailed across the room and was sent crashing through a brick wall. Thank goodness for me because that wall was about to fall over anyway but the second wall I snapped my head back against it and slid down to the floor.

Familiar sounds of explosions and people screaming indicated that I was back outside in the city. Pain began to sink into my body, it felt like a sumo wrestler just used me as a punching bag. I held my ribs and clenched my jaw. Everything hurt but my ribs seemed to hurt the most.

“Where did she come from?” a boy asked over my head. I opened one eye and saw two boys roughly around my age standing over me. My vision was hazy and I could vaguely define a few features.

“I don’t know,” the other one replied. “Should we just leave her there?”

I tried to say something but all that came out of my mouth were sounds of pain. My broken ribs kind of made it hard to talk, even breathe.

The terrible sound of the creatures that had been following me rang out in the air. My ears were perked up so much that they hurt.

“We’ll take her to the hideout,” the first boy said picking me up and cradling me in his arms. “I think her ribs are broken, not to mention a few other things. Ino will know how to fix it.”

I felt the sudden rush of wind and then it quickly came to a halt. I looked around and saw that we were on a rooftop instead of the ground. Again fast wind then stopped; a different rooftop.

My eyes were growing heavy and my head hurt. The abrupt traveling wasn’t helping either. I was beginning to think I was losing too much blood when everything went black. My last thought was more of a wish: Don’t let death consume me.


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Points: 890
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Mon Feb 26, 2007 5:39 am
Lancrist wrote a review...



I like it so far, and am interested in seeing where it's heading, although there are a few things I'll say (isn't there always?).

There are a few spelling errors, I'm not going to point each of them out, but I'm sure you'll be able to find and correct them.

My main thoughts regard the the way the story is told. I think the way the events pile on one another at the start--bombs, beasts, masscare, etc--all happen too quickly. I think it would be better if you devoted more space to setting the scene, putting more emphasis on the chaos of the situation. I also think that you should progress more slowly between each new event--focus on the bombs for a little while, have the reader gain some appreciation for them, then unleash the shadow-creatures.

Some of the language you've used strikes me as modern, also, I'm just highlighting this because it's a fantasy setting. If that's the way the characters talk that's fine.

Otherwise, like I said, it's interesting--the first paragraph did well to capture attention, and you've made good use of the other rhetorical questions as well--and I look forward to reading more.





The moral of Snow White is never eat apples.
— Lemony Snicket