Preface
“Are you sure?”
“Not really,” I admitted curtly, trying not to seem frustrated as I spread the papers all over my bed. My hands fluttered over the crumpled up files and time damaged books I had dug up from the back room in the library as my eyes frantically searched, waiting for something to pop out at me. Naturally nothing did, so I resorted to grabbing the first thing I saw and fanning through the pages. I don’t really know why I bothered because I couldn’t read it anyways.
“Then how do we know he wasn’t just lying?” _____ asked, his eyes narrowed as his eyebrows met.
“How about instead of interrogating me you help me look!” I snapped as I whirred to meet his glare only an inch or two away from his face.
His lips made a firm line as his dark, colorless eyes searched mine with that penetrating gaze. It could feel it seeping into my core as he tried to get a glimpse at my soul but before he could get the chance I looked away. I didn’t have to see him to know that this upset him; whenever I looked away it meant I didn’t want him to know what I was feeling.
“Can you read this?” I asked before he got the chance to speak, pointing to the foreign tongue written all over the ancient documents.
_____ didn’t say a single word as he took the book out of my hands and tossed it on my bed again, not taking his eyes off me. I sighed, wondering why I even bothered. Even without seeing his face I could picture the sternness crisply in my mind, the way he use to look when he was actually alive.
“I just want you to be free,” I said, feeling like I had to unnecessarily explain myself.
Yes, to be free from this prison. To be stuck between existence and a memory, it’s like being dead with your soul still trapped inside your body. And you say it isn’t a prison and you don’t mind being bound to me, but I know what you are really feeling…because I feel it too.
With just the preface you immediately catch hold of the readers attention, I am very interested in reading the rest of this. Excellent vocabulary, very well written.
I love the Jim Butcher reference with the soul-gaze, if that is indeed where it came from.
So this seems pretty interesting. I'm loving how you've established the characters here, although I am hoping for names soon.
Since this is only the preface, and it's so short, there's not much I can say. I do think you're using too many adverbs. You're writing reminds me of mine, where it seems like you're trying too hard to describe in am impressive way. I mean, it's not bad to describe things, it's just it feels a bit forced, you know? Not to say that you're forcing it, but it sort of looks that way. Um... that's all. I do really really like it, seems like you've got a pretty good plot going here. This sentence:
I think you meant: "only and inch or two away from my face."the way he use to look when he was actually alive.[/b] totally got me hooked. Great job with that!
Oh, one more thing:I whirred to meet his glare only an inch or two away from his face.
Hey this is kind of sort, but that's beside the point.
Was there a reason the guys name was cut out? I would suggest just calling _____ "he" "him" and all that.
I think for a preface it's not so bad, I could say add more but it's not very important in my opinion.
"I snapped as I whirred to meet his glare only an inch or two away from *his face*."
Don't you mean, "my face"?
Over all I thought this was really good, maybe with some a few adjustments it could be better. There's always room for improvement, but I really like it so far.
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