Here I’ll Always Be~
Thrown away by a beloved person;
Pain is immense as are the memories.
The tears falling in my hand are cursen,
The quills in my heart are armed cavalries
You turned your back on me without a qualm.
I freeze in the shadow of your turned cheek.
My forsaken hurting outshines the dawn.
Cold breath be-stills in my lungs; I’m made bleak.
I see you standing in shallow water;
You’re ensnared by your guilt, regret, and fears.
You kneel so that you no longer falter.
In fear of you drowning I catch your tears.
Even in hurt never did I leave you.
And when you stumble I will still be there.
Ooh, very beautiful. I loved your choice of words and how well they flowed together, and I really felt like I knew what the narrator was thinking and feeling. I looked pretty hard but I couldn't really find anything I didn't like about it. Keep up the good work!
This didn't really do much for me. The style was not explicitly amazing or anything and the topics do not flow. I really didn't like that the poem was directed towards 'you', I think it may be better without a specific narrative/reader etc.
Happy Editing!
WM
Shallowdepth --
This reads more like a "write in iambic pantemeter" exercise than it does a poem in iambic pantameter. I also wonder why the structure of the sonnet exists but the rhyme does not? Without a rhyme scheme to support both style and structure, this fails.
If you'd like to read some good modern sonnets, see if you can find examples by Rhina Espaillat.
As for this, I wouldn't suggest you waste time trying to "fix" it in any sense. As Colleen has pointed out, the poem skips from topic to topic like a broken record, and the overall effect is less than lackluster.
Take care,
Brad
While I applaud the effort you must have put into this poem, it didn't really impress me. The phrases were so general. I couldn't visualize much.
For example, this is really, really abstract and broad, as well as cliche.Pain is immense as are the memories.
This makes no sense in about seven different ways.The quills in my heart are armed cavalries
Oh, please. I swear that is not a word. Mmm, yep, Dictionary.com agrees with me. Sorry.cursen
This is a much better line. It says a lot in a few words, and it's an interesting image.I freeze in the shadow of you turned cheek.
This is a really cool piece of writing, I literally got tears in my eyes as I read it. It is relate-able which is good but the flow needs a little work but other than that me likes
I like the word choice and descriptions. They really pull me in and make me care. They create an image in my mind. What could be better is the rhythm. It doesn't have a very consistent flow. Some lines seem too long. I like the poem. (Note: "I freeze in the shadow of you turned cheek" I'm guessing should be "your")
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