Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This is quite the piece here. For something this short and this simple, it packs in some really powerful emotion there and I think you end up really driving home a rather powerful little package of emotion here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
An ugly darkness. Heavy rain. Wind and dust bashed against branches and rocks that could scratch or even cut skin.
A child curled up in a nearby cave, his clothes tattered and his stomach groaning. He took a berry from his pocket and ate it. After a pained gulp, he sighed and patted his tummy.
As he slept, a blinding light shone against the child’s eyes. He woke up to the sound of rain, followed by a clap of thunder.
He gasped in surprise as the thunder rang through his ears. He cowered to a deep corner of the cave, cupping his hands over his ears as he slept once more…
This is a lovely opening here. There's something about the way you just sort of repeat that opening in this matter of fact fashion that feels a little bit like a recounting of a story from a narrator even though it appears to somewhat be also from the child's perspective that really manages to hit quite the note within this story.
The next day, still, it rained. The child was trembling from the freezing cold as he rubbed his shoulders in hopes of warmth. His stomach, no longer rumbling, but was still in painful silence. He saw a figure in the distance from the opening of the cave, slowly growing larger and larger.
There could be only one person who knew about the cave.
The child smiled, and waved to the figure, tears running down his face as if it were soaked in the rain.
I like the way you establishing this two. Combined with that effect you manage to create from earlier this really meshes very well to set the atmosphere for this story and really strengthen those stakes as well. We'll see where this ends up going here.
At least, that was what he had wished had happened. The dreams of the child were mere wisps of hopeful thinking. His mother had left him there to find help, for it had been raining for days. For how long, he did not know. Someone of his age had no concept of time. And yet for him, it seemed like a minute had passed but felt like an eternity had taken its toll on his body.
He needed to go out and seek help. But he could not. He was too hungry to move, too tired to open his eyes. All he could do was sleep.
Suddenly, he heard his mother sing. It felt like a dream. And after a while, to him, it was definitely a dream. A dream where the sun had shone, the plants were green, birds tweet and sing and insects fly all around him. And in the distance clear as day, his mother was bringing him a basket of food. And he ate his fill.
This is a really powerful moment here. It seems like we're going towards sort of this person ending up dying there judging from the sort of context there and even in such a short story you build enough emotion there to really hit us hard there. I think you do very well with the tone and these descriptions especially to show these moments coming through.
The last thing he saw was his mother gazing into his eyes, and all he can see is love. And all he could do was stare back. And smile.
And the boy looked at his mother, one last time, before he closed his eyes in his own dream and slept once more, for the last time…
Well that's a very bittersweet ending there because it does confirm exactly what really happened there but the child getting happiness and comfort in the end is of course something that absolutely is very wholesome and I love the duality that ends up creating for this.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think its a very solid piece here. It does what it sets out to do really quite well and has us connect so strongly even while using so little and I just adore that. I think you've really go quite something here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate
Points: 254413
Reviews: 4104
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