The First Day of Christmas
“How is she, Ms Margret Cox,” he asked me in a tender voice. I looked up at Charles and let out a heavy sigh. A white, cold mist could be seen leaving my lips. Charles escorted me back towards my home in the light snow fall after having a spot of tea at a coffee house.
“Mum still has a high fever... yet she shivers like she is cold, it is very odd,” I tell Charles.
“Miss Elizabeth, your mother is a very strong woman. With the doctors help she will be healed from her illness in due time,” he insured me. I was still very worried, I had thought the same when my father got sick not to long ago. Then one day my father never woke up. Before he died however he picked out a suitor for me to be betrothed to, Charles. I could also see the worry in Charles eyes. Charles grew up with my mum. For someone who is thirty-two years old, he is a very fine looking gentleman. In a few days I will be sixteen, and we will get married. Mrs. Elizabeth Ruth Anderson, I think I like it better than Miss Elizabeth Ruth Cox.
“I pray that is true,” I told Charles as he got the door for me and helped me inside.
“As do I. Do send Ms Cox my regards,” he responded. Charles stayed at the entrance of the doorway and gave me a chaste kiss on my cheek and bid me a good night before he left.
One … Two … Three … The bells started to chime first thing early in morning. I counted the short, slow chimes. I am very tiered, because I was up most of the night caring for mum. Twelve … Thirteen … Fourteen … I take a deep breath and start to prepare breakfast as my siblings sleep. I don't want to wake them just yet. Twenty-three … Twenty-four … Twenty-five … Listing to the bell chime this time around is one the hardest things to do at the moment. It will soon be over. Thirty … Thirty-one … Thirty-two … The death knell made their announcement that someone had passed in the night. I feel bad. Sometime when I decided to rest my eyes for a moment, mother passed away, the doctor announced her dead.
There is a knock on the door. I go to open it and see Charles standing there. I look at him with my tear stained cheeks.
“I am truly sorry for your lost, Ms Margret Cox,” Charles told me with sympathy in his voice. I want Charles to hold me, however I know that is a improper action until we are married. For now I take the comforting touch of his hand on mine even if it is for a brief moment.
Three days have passed. It is December 14, 1814. Today is my birthday am now sixteen years old. Instead of planing for a wedding I am having a funeral for my mum. I find it a bit easier to explain to my little brother and sister that mum has died than it was with father. I also explained to my siblings that Mr. Charles Anderson would be their father once we get married this month. I also told them that I would continue to care for my siblings like mother did. Our uncle, Ernest and his wife Virginia have been staying at our home to be our guardians till the marriage. They been very helpful with the preparations of the funeral. Even though it is a sad day, I am pleased to see Charles has come over to visit early.
“It is an awful shame, not able to call Ms Margret mum,” Charles told me as he present gift, “I know it is not much. But I have brought game.” He offered Charles a smile of thanks and took the partridge from him to be prepare for meal.
“Oh Charles,” I murmured softly when I return from the kitchen. He had also brought in a small potted tree to be planted outside in the spring.
“It's a pear tree,” he told me. For a brief moment, despite how improper it was I gave Charles a hug. My mother loved pears.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
I am in love with this story so far and I'm absolutely enchanted. I can't wait to read the second part (and I'm glad that I don't have to wait for it).
However, I have a few nitpicks that I need to write to you before reading the next one.
You have quite a few run on sentences. If you would, go back through and read it.
Marget doesn't seem to be effected by the loss of her mother very much. If she's trying to suppress it, then show the struggle. Have Charles notice the haze in her eyes and inquire about it. Something. Anything.
"Ms", "Mr", and "Mrs" should all have periods after them.
Some of your sentences aren't proper for the time that this is set in (as I'm assuming that this is Victorian Era as there is betrothal). I'd recommend that you re-read and find your errors.
Thank you for this charming piece of writing and I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Hey just a small review here.
well looking at the title i wouldn't have guessed what it was about, catching the reader off guard. If you were going for sad and feeling sorry for the character then you got it. Father dieing then your mother and having to marry a man chosen by your father that's about twice your age, she has my sympathy. That fact that he didn't mention the wedding at the very end, didn't think he wouldn't mention that what so ever but since her moms dead it would be kind of inappropriate so that's understandable.
the title though is kind of odd though, the only date i saw december14 that's 10 days from Christmas eve so i was wondering the exact meaning of the title
other then that this was a alright piece
Well I writing on all 12 days that will be put together in one book along with some collection of my poems. Anyways, December 14th is actually 11 days from Christmas making it the 12 days on the count "up" when you include Christmas Day. For the purpose of my stories December 14th is the 1st day of Christmas. My story on the 2nd day of Christmas is December 15 is the 2nd day, so on and so forth.
Either way, thank you for the review I appreciate it. Sorry that it got confusing, and I hope the end product wont be as confusing when it is all put together.
Timmyjake here to give you a review!
I found this a little strange... All sadness throughout, a high fever, in danger of death, etc... Then a partridge and a pear tree. Christmas!!
There are quite a few spelling errors in this. I'll just point out a few so that you'll see what I mean.
“How is she, Ms Margret Cox,”
Now that might not be a spelling error, per se. But it didn't make a good opening line to me. And something else that is just a little thing of mine is that everyone seems so proper! If this guy was a friend, then it would make no sense for him to address her in such a way. Maybe he could be doing a joke on her?
My only last thing is that I don't think Margaret sheds enough tears for her mother dying and dead. All that happens is she is dead and then the door opens, but no time inbetween for us readers to see how important her mother truly was to her.
Alright. No more rambling from me!
This was really good! Keep going! Happy writing!
~Timmyjake
Well, the idea is to make the reader feel as if it takes place in Britain or England. So, I was using some of their dialect, that is why it was worded like that. He was referring to her mother. And the reason Elizabeth didn't didn't seem to shed enough tears is because she putting on a strong front. The story is based on a challenge and I had between 500-1000 words to use. So, I will be editing and expanding on this story after I write about the other gifts of Christmas.
Alright! It clears it up for me. BTW, if she is putting on a strong front, be sure to say that she is. Happy writing!
Thank you.
And you too.
This piece surprised me. It was so bleak throughout and yet I found myself smiling when I reason what you'd done to reveal the partridge and the pear tree. I liked how the partridge of course was offered as game which was very befitting of the piece's overall tone.
This work needs some revision to pick up some easily rectifiable grammatical errors. As always with pieces that I like, it's just so short! I would love to read an expanded version of this story with a bit more detail on Elizabeth's background, especially her siblings and her own relationship with Charles.
I thought that Elizabeth's reaction to her mother's death was also severely underplayed. She kind of brushed it off and told her siblings and then the story moved on. Another thing to review is your use of the word 'told.' Everyone 'told' each other things instead of saying or whispering or exclaiming or sighing (you get my point.) Constantly reading the same word over and over can both stunt the pace of the plot and bore the reader.
My main points are to proofread and to think about expanding, even in the parts like the visit to the tea house which is mentioned but skipped over.
A dark yet hopeful story, keep up the writing!
Thanks. I actuality started this as a challenge more than 500 less than 1,000. Anyways things for pointing out the "told" I did tried proof reading and didn't notice. I will differently make a expanded version of this after the challenge is over (I am writing shorts on all 12 gifts). I am also glad you pointed out Elizabeth's reaction to her mothers death. I was shooting for her being strong for the children.
Thank you so much for your review and gave me incite on what to do when I extend it.