Published November 7, 2011
This will be my last confession
You have my heart wrapped in iron bars
Blackened by your hands, bleeding from your wars
Why so forbidden? Love has vanquished me
For always I am done
You took my day and left me the night
Your dark smile enchanted me as you tore my soul to bits
Nothing is left, Only your scorn
Only my blood on your hands
You made me a fool, you let me follow you
Into dark holes with dark animals
Sweet words turned to lashing snakes
I have forgotten which way the sun lies
Your face and bitterness is all I know.
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141,285 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
Good work, there
Amazing way of describing your feelings, I must say.
Keep writing!
Sorry if you didn't understand....
1. When I said it roamed, I meant you didn't really keep up with the rest of it. I can't find another way to put it.
2. NO worries, I have lots of problem with Grammer. When I said it didn't flow right, I meant that your choice of words didn't fit together. Writing is like solving a puzzle. All of the peices (words) have to fit together for it to look and sound right.
3. And I meant what I said when I told you to punctuate more. YOu just need to put more commas in it.
HOpe it was a little more clear.
Thanks both of yew.
this poem is sad but true. a poem that is of a girl fallen in love with the wrong person. it is a poem i will remember, and one i will show other people.
Wow, interesting. Is that from personal experience? You don't have to answer that. But I do have a few concerns.
1. It kinda roams a little, keep on task.
2. It was technically right in grammer, but it just didn't flow right. It was just strange in words.The words you chose for this just wasn't right.
3.Last thing, you need to punctuate more. There weren't high ratings in that catagory for you.
Hope I helped you!! Good Luck. BTW, it was very good.
thanks
You've given me some stuff to work on ^^
I have somewhat conflicting emotions regarding this poem. On one hand the imagery you've used seems to be clichéd ("You took my day and left me the night"; "Only my blood on your hands"). This means (in my case, at least) its emotional impact falls somewhat short, as such common images do not provoke strong emotions due to their regular use. Inside this poem for example, "dark" is used several times, somewhat deflating its emotional value.
On the other hand, these same things can be understood positively. The line "Your dark smile enchanted me as you tore my soul to bits", for example, while not particularly original, is very direct and this directness fits in with the speaker of the poem who is giving her frank description of the situation ("This will be my last confession").
All in all this poem succeeds in conveying the topic at hand, but due to the lack of strong and original imagery, it does not emotionally involve the reader as strongly as it could.
I hope this review was of help. =)
Oh and thumbs up for a job well done!
That was bloody brilliant! It completly captures the image of someone that is lost in love with the wrong person but can't see that for themself! I belive that you have a brilliant gift for poetry. Please continue writing!