Here's my latest short story. I hope you all enjoy it:
It was late. Paul and I were sitting on a picnic table in the park. We were talking about our enemy, Joe.
"I just don't get it," Paul said angrily. "He used to be my best friend then he turned around and backstabbed me."
"Yeah," I agreed. "He's such a dink."
"And an spoiled ass," Paul added. "He seems to get every damned thing he asks for."
It was a while before I spoke. "I just don't know what to do about him," I said almost to myself.
"You know, Joe comes around to this park every morning at around 6 for his morning walk," Paul said.
"Yeah, so?" I asked.
Paul didn't reply. Instead he took out a small object.
"What's that?" again, Paul didn't reply.
Paul waited before he spoke to me. "Well, maybe there is something you can do about him."
"What, march on up to his front door and ask his mom, 'May I please resolve an issue with your son?' That's not gonna work Paul," I said sarcastically to my friend.
Paul laughed a little. "Hell, no. I mean something different," Paul mysteriously wrapped up the small object in a hankercheif.
"Like what?" instead of talking, he handed me the hankercheif with the small object inside of it.
I unwrapped it. Inside was a black jackknife.
"What do I do with it?" I asked Paul.
"Change your life," he whispered and winked.
I felt my body run cold. I shivered as I gazed up at the bright moon, which was quickly being covered by dark purple clouds of the night sky.
Neither of us said a word on the way back home. I spent a restless night. Finally at midnight, I closed my eyes and fell alseep.
I woke up at about 5:45. I knew this was the time when Joe goes for his morning walk at the park. I left the house.
When I reached the park, I saw Joe strutting along, hands in his pockets. I walked over to him.
"Hey," I said.
"Oh, hey," said Joe. "What's up?"
"You wanna sit down?" I pointed at a nearby picnic table, the same picnic table Paul and I were sitting at last night.
"Yeah, alright," said Joe.
We walked over to the table. Joe sat down, but I didn't.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out Paul's jackknife.
"What's that?" Joe asked.
"It's a jackknife," I replied.
"Oh, cool. Where'd you get it?" Joe asked me again.
I waited a few seconds to speak. "Oh, just around," I began cleaning the jackknife with a hankercheif.
It was a moment of silence before I spoke again. "Tell me, Joe. How long do you think it takes for this knife to pierce through a heart?"
"What do you mean...?" Joe seemed scared.
I slowly made my way towards him, knife in my hand. I drew the blade and smiled.
"What are you doing?" Joe's body trembled as he pushed himself against the picnic table.
"Changing my life," I whispered.
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey! Forever here with a review!!
This was a great piece over here. From a moment just after beginning, I started anticipating that something like this is going to happen. So, what happened was really not very unexpected but yet, ut was indeed a bit intriguing. Can't deny that either.
One thing which I would really like to be a bit clarified is the motive. At the moment, the characters don't seem to have any motive. Like we understand the fact that this Joe betrayed them and now they want to take revenge but why? Why did Joe actually do? I think that is a crucial information to actually enable the readers to form their own opinion. Allowing the readers to have their own opinion is one of the most important tasks of the writer. So, it's better to work a bit on that.
Except that, I think the story was good but kinda very predictable. Eh, just straight up killing a person is not the solution to anything. It can never be.. I don't know if you wanted this to be a horror story, but if you did, it didn't come as that.
Another thing which I would like to be clarified is the presence of any other person in that area. From what I understand, it's just not very early morning that the world will be asleep. It's more than possible that a person might come into their way. So, the absence of any other person needs to be cleared.
I liked the open ending there. I guessed that he did kill Joe but hm... It left me thinking if something else happened there.
Keep Writing!!
~Forever
I don't know what to say about this one. You used good detail, and the grammar was fine, but I think that your development of characters was limited and there wasn't a real reason that I could find for rhem beind such sworn enemies to go at each others necks. I also thought that Joe was kinda easy going-too much so- before Paul drew out the knife. If I were such a bad friend with someone that we (literally) tried to kill each other, I know I wouldn't be all "Hey, what'sup?" With. 'em.
Other than that,
Good job and keep writing!
I don't know what to say about this one. You used good detail, and the grammar was fine, but I think that your development of characters was limited and there wasn't a real reason that I could find for rhem beind such sworn enemies to go at each others necks. I also thought that Joe was kinda easy going-too much so- before Paul drew out the knife. If I were such a bad friend with someone that we (literally) tried to kill each other, I know I wouldn't be all "Hey, what'sup?" With. 'em.
Other than that,
Good job and keep writing!
Sorry, I guess that was harsh. I really liked it and I thought that the nice punch line at the end was amusing. I would love to see more writing from you
No it's fine. I don't think it was harsh, I like the criticism actually. I'm starting another short story and I'll have it posted soon. Thanks!
~Monkeyswagg
This is a great short story! I really enjoyed it a lot. You should be proud. Did you think about the names you chose for the characters? Because the names were appropriate to the story, I thought.
The beginning of the story showed what good friends the two were, without revealing too much.
In the spirit of constructive criticism:
"He seems to get every damned he asks for."<------ Every damned what?
I also liked the ending. Joe just seemed like a helpless guy about to be murdered. Who was really the bad one? Joe, or Paul?
"What are you doing?"
"Changing my life," Priceless! Thanks for the great read.
Thank you very much. I did think of the character names on my own, actually I thought of the whole story in my bed a few nights ago and I only changed some wording in the written version.
Also, thank you for pointing out that "damned he asks for." I meant to say "thing" after "damned," but I must have forgotten! Thanks for telling me about that.
~Monkeyswagg
Oh, and for the bad one being Joe or Paul, that's supposed to be something for your own instinct to determine, to add a little mystery to the story. Thanks again!