The time of night when phantoms bleed into the shade of blackness
And whispers of forgotten lives swirl round among the streets
A girl with somber ecstacy and tortured thoughts emerges
To drink the darkest secrets of the deep, embracing fog
She lifts her pallid visage to the icy moon above her
And hugs the ache of isolation closer to her heart
She walks in dreamlike melody upon the frozen pathway
Shaded by the hostile towers of brick and iron beam
Then shadows of the noiseless night enfold about her figure
And darkness surges back in place behind her ghostly steps.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Not too sure about the structure of your poem but I liked your imagary and description as it was very eery and made me get goosepimples. I liked your first line, as this captured my attention instantly and therefore made me want to read on, although I have to say it gets somewhat duller when it continues. This may just be because of my own personal taste in poem, but it wasn't spectacular for me.
Still, nice work.
'Twas slightly emo, but I really enjoyed this; Kudos on the consistent rhythm and vivid imagery. You did drown it in adjectives a bit. It might be difficult to cut out unnecessary words without screwing up the rhythm, though... hmm. See what you can do.
Nice work
Haha...
Okay. Let's strip this down, shall we? I'm going to take out all the adjectives and adverbs of the poem. Then we'll see what's left.
The time of night when phantoms bleed into the shade of blackness
And whispers of lives swirl round among the streets
A girl with ecstacy and thoughts emerges
To drink the secrets of the deep, embracing fog
She lifts her visage to the moon above her
And hugs the ache of isolation closer to her heart
She walks in melody upon the pathway
Shaded by the towers of brick and iron beam
Then shadows of the night enfold about her figure
And darkness surges back in place behind her steps.
...
It doesn't stand up.
Mind you, I know you put the adjectives and stuff to make it sound better, but with it all stripped away, it becomes mediocre at best. True, the adjectives make it better, but only just such, and the adjectives just choke it and make it appear vivacious when actually it's not.
So yeah.
Um... hope that helps?
Ooh, gives me shivers. I enjoyed this, but why is it double-spaced? It's hard to read that way. The rhythm is nice, but...it's just that you use so many adjectives and other unnecessary words. For example:
"Dreamlike" and "frozen" there, it's just too much. The adjectives are clogging up your poem. I do like the "somber ecstacy and tortured thoughts" part. Those two adjectives sound okay, because they really add to it. "Dreamlike" and "frozen" are not adding to it for me. I'd have just said "She walks upon the frozen pathway". The "dreamlike melody" sounds awkward and really out of place there.
Perfect way to finish. Creepy but not disgustingly so.
Colleen
Ooooo....... >.< Makes my brain go like <that. Very cool, though, didn't know you had so much potential in this area. The rythm of it is perfect; you know how picky I am about sylablles and all these are perfect.
umm,interesting, but it invokes an image so sureal, that it's hard to imagine properly. Tone it down a little.
Perhaps change the format. Reading it as one big stanza is... daunting. split it up a little. Otherwise, good job.