Standing in the crowd of people,
soaking in the sheets of rain
Wading through the tide and waves,
floating through the cloudless wind
***All of these but one will hurt
Though they are the things that seem to hit
The pain you feel at heart.
No one pays you any attention,
It makes the pouring seem unending
Maybe it can take you away,
It can probably make you happy.
***None of these but one will hurt
Although they are the things that ever won't ,
Help the pain you feel at heart.
Trees and branches above your head,
shaking and shaky like a song.
That has no tune, no rhyme or rhythm,
it's only, just only a reminder.
***The truth of these will only hurt
Although they're the things you think you know
But pain is just what you feel at heart.
Do you feel it too?
The breeze that hits like ice.
Does it blow you away?
It could probably numb your soul.
***Only some, only the ones so cold will hurt
Although they're the thinks you feel
They only bring pain when it touches the heart.
But, oh, all of these without remainder
Are the things that will put asunder
The remaining hope of joy you have
And break to pieces the peace to grieve.
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139,864 Literary Works • 672,779 Reviews
Hi,J here for a review.
Thank you for sharing that amazing poem with us. There were a couple places that you broke the rhyme a little bit but it's not that big of a deal. What I really liked about this poem was the style and the imagery. You showed me what was happening instead of just telling me. I was able to see why you were trying to accomplish with the poem. You have unique personality in your writing that makes the peiece pop. I don't really think this was a review since I didn't fond anything to critique. I will note that I'm not sure the asterisk marks do anything for the poem it was more like they were just there.
A+poem
Good Job and Keep Writing!!
Hi,J here for a review.
Thank you for sharing that amazing poem with us. There were a couple places that you broke the rhyme a little bit but it's not that big of a deal. What I really liked about this poem was the style and the imagery. You showed me what was happening instead of just telling me. I was able to see why you were trying to accomplish with the poem. You have unique personality in your writing that makes the peiece pop. I don't really think this was a review since I didn't fond anything to critique. I will note that I'm not sure the asterisk marks do anything for the poem it was more like they were just there.
A+poem
Good Job and Keep Writing!!
This was intriguing, Shaesnow. Your style is quite original, and your imagery is fantastic. The punctuation choices you made were visually very interesting, but I have a few gentle suggestions for you.
"Standing in the crowd of people: soaking in the sheets of rain
Wading through the tide and waves:floating through the cloudless wind
***All of these but one will hurt
Great imagery here. Quick thought: I was unsure of what the colon signified. If you are breaking this line into two thoughts, a comma would work, or a semi colon. If you meant to emphasize the second thought in the line (all these but one will hurt), you could leave the colon, or bump that second portion down, so that it has its own line. This link might be of more assistance: http://www.thepunctuationguide.com/colon.html.
I like the asteriks too, by the way. Very unique (but effective!) way to highlight a line.
"Though they are the things that seem to hit
The pain you feel at heart.
No one pays you any attention: make the pouring seem unending
Maybe it can take you away: it could probably make you happy.
This read a little awkwardly for me, likely because of the change in tense. (CAN take you away/COULD probably make you happy)
"***None of these but one will hurt
Although they are the things that ever won't ,
Help the pain you feel at heart.
Trees and branches above your head: shaking and shaky like a song.
That has no tune, no rhyme or rhythm: it's only, just only a reminder.
***The truth of these will only hurt
Although they're the things you think you know
But pain is just what you feel at heart.
Do you feel it too? The breeze that hits like ice.
Does it blow you away? It could probably numb your soul.
***Only some, only the ones so cold will hurt
Although they're the thinks you feel
They only bring pain when it touches the heart.
But, oh, all of these without remainder
Are the things that will put assunder
Asunder has one 's', though personally I like your spelling better.
"The remaining hope of joy you have
And break to pieces the peace to grieve."
Overall, I thought this was excellent work ShaeSnow! I hope to see more of your work here on YWS, and if you have any questions feel free to shoot me a PM.
Write On,
-mav
Mavis Knightley
http://www.mavisknightley.weebly.com
Thanks a lot for the review, Mavis. I agree with your suggestions and I like your honesty. Thanks a lot for the link, I appreciate it. I'm a little rusty as I haven't written anything since last year. I was sort of on a break from writing, so I figured my re-entry should be here where I can get honest opinion and great suggestions. And thanks to you, that's what I got. I'll implement your suggestions as much as I can, do check back again. Thanks a whole lot.
Any time, ShaeSnow! I'm glad you appreciate the difference between honesty and criticism, because you do create beautiful (read: not rusty!) work. Looking forward to seeing how this piece progresses!
-mav