i love this, but maybe remove the "pray to your god" part because as an Athiest child this feels uninclusive, and I know it said "Your God" for inclusivity but I feel like it would be better to just remove it all-together
A/N: My fiancée and I are planning to try to query this as a children's picture book of ABCs of Cryptids (no title, yet) and would love this to be ripped to shreds, please! My fiancée will be doing the art later but you can envision each line to be a separate page except for the last paragraph. I'm looking for feedback on the text part, especially as far as cadence and rhythm goes as well as the selection of creatures (i.e., if you know of a way cooler cryptid and want to pitch it as a substitution, I'm open to that as well!). Thanks so much for the help!!
A is for Arimapsi, who hoard griffin gold.
B is for Bigfoot, so large and so old.
C is for Crawfordsville Monster, the all-seeing eye.
D is for Dover Demon, trust none of his lies.
E is for El Chupacabra, watch out for his bite.
F is for Fresno, and those that crawl through the night.
G is for Goblins, don't fight or you'll fail.
H is for Hairy Man, who stalks Vergas Trail.
I is Isshii, who looks for her child.
J is for Jersey Devil, the terror of the wild.
K is for Kraken, who demands his release.
L is for Loveland Frogman, who evades the police.
M is for Mothman, who warns of dark fate; and his pal Momo, from Missouri State.
N is for Ndendecki, in his soft shell.
O is for Oklahoma Octopus, always ready for those who can't swim too well.
P is for Pascagoula, and the aliens that snatch fishermen.
S is for Sinkholes, a favorite hangout for Sam.
T is for Terror Birds, no flight so all fight.
U is for Undead, a favorite in stories of fright.
V is for Visitors of Van Meter, who light up the dark.
W is for White Thang, who screams as a bark.
X is for Xanthus, a man-eating horse.
Y is for Yeti, his fur thick and coarse.
Z is for Zombie, passed humans denied rest.
And there you have it, 26 of the best.
Now that you've heard of these creatures called cryptids,
and all the tales which have long been depicted,
crawl into your bed and close heavy eyes,
and pray to your god that they won't get inside.
i love this, but maybe remove the "pray to your god" part because as an Athiest child this feels uninclusive, and I know it said "Your God" for inclusivity but I feel like it would be better to just remove it all-together
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the ghoulish S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - In the green room, I found the perfect story to read in the month of October: A children’s picture book on…CRYPTIDS! I find it vital that everyone knows about the wonderful world of creepy crawlies and what better way to start than to teach em’ young?! From A to Z, this story is full of the craziest crazies!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I haven’t got much to offer over here. I mean, if you wanted to, for U you could put in a Japanese monster called “Uma-no-ashi”, which is a tree that has the legs of a horse that come out and kick people. (I googled different monsters.) I know that this is for kids and there are certain things that should and shouldn’t be written, but I I think that since this a “scary” book, then there can be certain things that can be done. That’s all!
Chocolate Bar - This was pretty fun to read! I’ve never heard of a picture book that has all of the different cryptids of folklore (or maybe I just don’t read enough picture books), but I loved the poetry structure of the story. I also enjoyed the mention of El Chupacabra, I felt represented! 
Some of these monsters I never heard of, but that makes me all the more intrigued to look them up and find out more.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a lovely little story of some not so lovely (and probably not so little, either) creatures. This is only a draft, so I can imagine that the final product will be even more magnificent! With that, I wish you…
A fangtastic day/night! ^v^
Hi!
Okay... I am going to be honest. I have no idea what age this book is intended for. I have six children, ages 1-10, and I can tell you that this doesn't fit neatly into any of these ages.
However, having read a LOT of alphabet books in my day, the way this is written sounds like it's almost written for 1-3-year-olds... maybe 4-year-olds at the max... aka toddlers. After all, you have a basic, one-line rhyme (toddlers can barely sit still for anything longer... that's why so many alphabet books read like this). Also, it seems like it's targeted for a much younger audience because, frankly, the older children (4-6) like books with a little more substance. Were I to read this to my 2-year-old, he would be happy to sit with me and listen for a couple of short sentences, which is what this is. If I were to read this to my 4-year-old, he would sit with me and tolerate the book, but this would be a short book and he would want a little more.
So... the problem with that is that some of the language that you use here would not be age-appropriate for a toddler. Like... there's some stuff here that are just not really things that parents want to explain to a curious toddler, like evading the police. Also, the mention of praying to a god would be an automatic disqualifier for this age, no matter who you are. The kids who grow up in religious households at this age are going to be taught that praying is important, so they're going to be alarmed that you have to pray to keep the monsters out. The kids who don't grow up in religious households at this age are just going to be confused. So best to leave this out.
Then there's a problem with the pictures. My kids at this age were terrified of Muppets haunted house shenanigans. If the pictures are anything less than blatantly cartoonish, it would be seen as too terrifying and an automatic no. So, if your fiancee is hoping to make these creatures into cartoonish, non-threatening pictures, this might work out. But if she wanted to make this beautifully illustrated book with these somewhat accurate depictions of the creatures... it's not going to be commercially viable.
Now... let's say that you decide that you want to make the age a little more. Say... like aim it to 4-6 year-olds, for example. That... would also have its problems.
Were I to read this to my 6-year-old... oh man. She would continually be interrupting me and asking me all the questions and be frustrated with the lack of depth of the rhyme. I can already imagine it now...
Me: "S is for Sinkholes, a favorite hangout for Sam."
6: "Mommy, what's a sinkhole?"
Me: "A big hole in the ground... like this." *points to picture*
6: "But who's Sam?"
Me: "Um... I don't know."
6: "Does Sam live in a sinkhole?"
Me: "I mean... I guess."
6: "But why does Sam live in a sinkhole?"
Me: "I don't know."
6: "I wouldn't like to live in a sinkhole."
Me: "Well... no, I wouldn't like to live there either, but I guess Sam does."
6: "But why?"
Me: "Uh... let's go to the next page! 'T is for Terror Birds, no flight so all fight.'"
6: "Why don't they fly?"
Me: "Um... I dunno. I guess they just don't."
6: "Why do the fight?"
Me: "Because they can't fly, I guess."
6: "Turkeys can't fly."
Me: "Yeah, they can't really fly very well, you're right."
6: "Do they fight?"
Me: "Um... not really."
6: "Why not?"
...and on and on it would go. It would be a lesson in frustration. So yeah. If you want to have an audience that is a little older, you need to expand the rhyme into something that fits a better explanation. I can tell you right now that I have no idea who Sam is or what a Terror Bird is... in fact, I basically only recognize five on those list. So you would have to create a rhyme that explains what is [insert cryptid here] in a more detailed way so that the parents who have to read this story to their children don't feel like incompetent morons and feel like they can explain a tiny bit more to their curious children what the monster is.
So like...
B is for Bigfoot, a big hairy man
who hides in the trees
and who hikers sometimes see
when he lets out a great sneeze.
...or something like that? (The rhyme sucks, I know, lol.) I dunno. It would need to be expanded on though into a more fuller rhyme though in order to capture that older audience's attention.
My older children (8 and 10) would probably not care for this book, honestly, judging by what I know about them... though I haven't asked them about your work. If you want, I can have them look at the words and see whether they would be engaged. But they are brutal critics and do not hold back, so their input might not be what you want. xD
Another idea... if the pictures were really works of art, you could probably market it as an adult picture book that adults would buy as a kind of antidote for all the other boring children's ABC books that we have to read. Like, for example, I totally own the book "Go the F*ck Asleep" as an adult picture book, lol. But like... if you did that, you would also have to make the writing more interesting to adults... like, make it almost look like a children's book, but with a twist. Still, that's another angle you can play with.
ANYWAY. This is probably not the review you wanted, but... um... you did say rip it to shreds! >.> So yay?
I hope this helps!
Hey Shady! Leaving a comment from my phone because I’m away from home right now!
First, I love, love, love this concept! I know it’s the kind of book I would have ADORED when I was little! Seriously, I’d have eaten this right up!
I also enjoyed learning about the lesser-known cryptid’s on this list. Especially the landlocked “Oklahoma Octopus.” Such a concept cracks me up.
Some things I noted:
-“Demanding release” doesn’t really describe the kraken super well for me. I think that, since it’s a kids book, and it might be someone’s first introduction to a mythical creature like the kraken, there may be a more fitting description.
-Undead/Zombies felt a tad repetitive.
-I didn’t know what “White Thang” was, but after a brief foray on “Cryptidz Wiki,” I’m not sure I understood “who screams as a bark.” I am no expert on cryptid’s, so this could be a more obscure reference (though it’s important to remember, most children won’t be familiar with this cryptid either!)
-I think the “pray to your god” could be isolating to some of your audience. “That they won’t get inside” is also a very ominous ending to what’s otherwise a pretty cute kids book.
(Not marking this as a review because it’s just my barebones thoughts… please forgive any spelling errors, lol. To reiterate, I absolutely adore this premise, and wish you and your fiancée the best of luck querying it!!)
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