Published July 16, 2007
So that should be a warning that this isn't an exactly polite poem, but by far it isn't as crude as his, not as...coarse in the language. I just wanted to see if I could do better, since I liked the concept, but not the way it was written. So, here goes.
Ebony, mahogony,
lithe, curved, carved--
the essence of perfection.
Strings, wires, steel, seat;
how patiently you await me.
I sit before you, in front of you,
my arms and legs wrap around you
and hold your body close.
My fingers rest on you--
waiting, while you tremble.
Quivering, anxious, yearning
you strive towards that one need--
that reaching desire.
My fingers move, they dance
across you and you respond joyously.
Sweet notes pour forth, filling
the air with a melody of
heartbreaking sadness;
of bittersweet joy.
I stroke you, I caress
and my hands glide over your body.
Cascading notes shiver in
the sweet song, the melody
we make together.
My fingers dance over your strings,
my hands and arms glide
over your body, caressing
the perfect, lithe curves.
Through the air sings our song
the sweet melody
that is nothing more, nor less
than the pure music,
the sound of my soul.
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141,440 Literary Works • 674,432 Reviews
If you can see my profile picture, then of course you know why I just had to read this. I think this is a beautiful poem. It flows very nicely even though it doesn't rhyme. I can tell you play the harp. Tell me if you plan to write more!
I think it was done in good taste. I think the double meaning with the harp worked nicely.
In the first part above, I think that the emotions come through well; In the second part above, you're just saying the words.
Yes, well, when I saw I inspired someone to write, a sense of joy came over me.
Now now, I didn't scold and belittle -your- poem Cornelius, I complimented it as having a good -idea-, just the way it was written was a bit off. And judging from the difference in replies and critiques....*shrugs* Well. I didn't expect you to like it, it's a blatant challenge to your style of poetry, and the way you expressed yourself with that piece of work, but I -did- acknowledge it as inspiration, you could at least return the courtesy.
SS
eh, I found it insipid and a regurgitation of every other poem ever written. A dull watered-down rendition of my poem. Too long, diluted, and usual.
I did like this, as Kylan said, it was more emotion filled. I couldn't help but notice though that through the last four stanzas I felt like I was reading the same thing over and over again with just different wording. I did like it but maybe a different move...a different idea, or feeling even. It just needs that extra push. Where everything has a meaning and you don't have any parts there just for the sake of being there. Excellent job!:)
Keep it up!
~Rieda
I read Of Bees and Strings also, and enjoyed this one more. Not only was it less blunt and obvious, but it was longer and more emotional. Just like Clau though I think you used the word "lithe" one time too many, even if it was only twice. Lithe is the kind of word that you can only use once in a short piece of work.
This seemed awkward to me. A.) you used "you" too closely together and B.) you used an adverb. Not that I have something against adverbs, but they only bespeak of a timid writer. Also, the word "Joyously" just didn't seem to work here. Think about either changing the adverb or replacing this adverb.
Anyway, nice. Wasn't original, but overall a good rewrite.
-Kylan
Edited.
And the double -- thingies is sort of like a hitch in the sentence, more than a ; but not a : its...where it changes subject slightly, but not into a list like thing, if you know what I mean? But thanks for the crits ^_^
Tata mwa!
SS
Certainly didn't make me feel like I had just read an erotica... If I am correct in guessing what you were talking about at the beginning?
You do some repetition which doesn't go over too well, like "lithe" and "perfection". And in general, you kind of repeat some previous lines in the last stanza, too.
I could imagine someone playing the harp, but I didn't care for the poem much. Sometimes it didn't flow right, because it's free verse and I'm no good with free verse ^^' It just didn't work for me. It wasn't bad, but maybe if it was more poetic, or had more visuals, or something...I don't know what I want from it?
Sorry - I don't think that was too helpful.
This is pretty good and I only have one specific suggestion so I'll cover that first and then move on to more general points...
I sit before you, infront of you, [ I think it should be in front.]
Other than that, your word choice is good but on to your punctuation. What's with the double dashes? It's something I've seen quite a few times lately and I don't particularly like it. It distracts me from the poem to be honest. Other than that though, your punctuation is unusual in some places but it works so I have no problem with that.
Also, you rely very heavily on adverbs and adjectives but that sort of works with this style of poetry and your descriptions are quite pretty. Altogether, a pleasant piece.