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Young Writers Society



Gwynleth Hall

by Shadowstalker


“Yes my lord, it shall be done.” A youths voice echoed through the hall, disturbing the musky stillness. A sleepy girl wandered over to her fathers chair and sat on his lap while cold, grey eyes stared at the young man before them.

The young man bowed politely and carefully avoided looking at the nightgown clad girl, knowing that if he ever mentioned the fact that he may have seen one of his lords beloved daughters, the words would be worth more than his life.

“Isobelle, return to your rooms. You know I dislike you wandering around the halls at night.” The large man muttered as the youth left the hall, his voice a gravelly rumble in the night.

“But papa, it is so dull in my rooms.” Whined the girl on his knee.

“Do you not have free roam of the halls during the day? You know that in the moonlight the halls are forbidden.”

“But they are not in the moonlight, see?” she pointed at the lone burning candle, a dim, flickering light in the darkness.

“Go to your rooms.” He ordered, his voice brooking no opposition and she hastily slid off his knee and fled through the musty darkness, dodging the odd, careless servant.

“Eleanore.” The word was wearily sighed and the resignation in the voice shivered in the air.

“Yes papa?” said a quiet voice from the shadows.

“Follow your sister.”

“No papa.”

The large man wearily closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead before groaning “Will you not fight me this one night?”

“I would not fight you if you did not expect me to.” Came the calm reply, though it had an iron purpose behind the words.

“Child, you know what stalks these halls, you of all people should know that it is not wise to wander Gwynleth Hall alone.”

“Then why did you send dearest Isobelle off on her own then? And don’t call me child. I am not a child.”

“Would you have the innocence Isobelle so naively squanders, or the knowledge you now hold?” he asked in a mournful challenge, his cold eyes softened by despair as he gazed into a darkened corner, watching the shadows move.

“I would rather face what stalks you and Gwynleth Hall than be burdened with my twins ignorance. You know that papa.” Eleanore said softly, stepping into the faint glow cast by the single candle, causing the flame to flicker slightly before growing brighter.

The man in the chair sighed, knowing that he would not convince his favourite daughter on this night to leave as he had not on all the other nights of her life since she could walk. “Eleanore…I would not have you physically scarred from my ill doing.” He pleaded in a final effort to get her to leave.

The candlelight reflected off a smile that was too bitter to be on such a childs face. “You know as well as I that I cannot escape your ill doing, were such an escape possible for either of us.”

He sighed one final time before bidding her to sit on his lap, a small spot of warmth and light in the endless cold night of his meagre existence. Running his fingers through her raven hair he smiled softly, dimly hearing the wailing of the halls as what stalked them screamed closer to the two souls aware of its foul presence, but ignoring it as if it were of no moment. “How could I have two beautiful daughters as different as the night and day, one blessed with light and the other cursed.” He mused quietly.

“Not cursed papa. One blessed by sunlight, the other by the moonlight.” Said a softly reassuring voice from his lap as his ten year old daughter gazed up at him, wrenching his heart with her unmarked beauty. Although the candlelight sparked off her hair and face, highlighting the perfection that would last well through adulthood, it dodged her eyes, leaving them two large black pools in a flawless face.

“I would you always believe that Eleanore, I truly do.” He murmured and faced the door with her steady gaze, mentally readying himself for the torment that he knew would rush screaming through it, trying to snap his sanity once more.

Not sure if is right spot for this, I'm new. Lemme know please? Ta!


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563 Reviews


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Tue Apr 10, 2007 10:46 pm
Writersdomain wrote a review...



Welcome to YWS! Glad to have you here!

You do catch my attention here, and some of your description is good. However, I have a few bones to pick about your characters.
:wink:

You need to help the reader distinguish who is a main character and who is not early on or they are going to be lost. Now, we know that Eleanore is main - you've made that clear, but what about the young man? You mention him only briefly and scarcely characterize him as if he was a minor character, but then you get into his head when he thinks about not looking at the lord's daughters and that leads me to believe he could be more important. If he is main, he needs a lot more characterization at the beginning here (instead of telling us about his fear of looking at the lord's daughters, give us insight into his characters, emotions etc.) and if he is not, do not get into his head and confuse the reader.

Isobelle was characterized rather well as was Eleanore and their father, but it concerns me that you do not directly mention Eleanore until near the end. If she is going to be one of your main characters, I suggest mentioning her a bit earlier considering the fact she is present the entire scene. Perhaps just acknowledge her presence at the beginning, and the reader will be less confused.

Okay, rant on characters done.

This is a rather good start despite my little rant (I'm very passionate about developed characters. :wink: ). And I hope you post more of this as I am looking forward to reading more. Eleanore's dialogue intrigued me. Anyways, nicely done here and please PM me if you need anything. I'm always happy to help. :D




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Tue Apr 10, 2007 8:39 pm
Emerson says...



I haven't really read it, but since people are suggesting a move, and Foreseer says fantasy...

Moved to the Fantasy Section




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Tue Apr 10, 2007 6:10 pm
Foreseer wrote a review...



I really liked this beginning, it gets your attention.

*I'd suggest putting it in the Fantasy Section*

Can't wait to see what happens next!

:wink:




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Tue Apr 10, 2007 1:37 am
Shadowstalker says...



Soo....uh, where do I put it then?




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Mon Apr 09, 2007 11:47 pm
Certainly Love says...



This certainly isn't the right spot to place this story. It isn't at all romantic...but you're a good writer. Keep up the good work.





It's all a matter of perspective. Everyone is the hero of their own story, and the villain of another's.
— James