Young Writers Society

lol, most of the things I was going to say have already been pointed out so I'm just going to comment on this. I loved the repetition and even just the form of the stanzas. I think that since it's such a blunt poem that you get the true meaning of it all. It isn't hidden by fancy adjectives and such, very subtle and easy to understand while also entertaining. Great job on this.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

Hmm. Well, other critiquers have pointed out most of the things that bugged me, but I just have to reiterate (ironically) that the repetition didnt do anything for me. I started to get annoyed with the whole concept, and it didnt help that it wasnt all that original anyway.

Personally, I'd work on exploring where this came from and what it's trying to say. I didnt feel the meaning came through much until the end, which was powerful in its own way but at the same time seemed almost divorced from the poem. I just didnt see the connection, I guess. Work on your imagery too; engage a few more senses, and a bit more poetic language.

Overall a good poem, though.

Cheers,
~bubbles

I liked it, it created a perfect scene. I liked alot. I felt like I was in pain.
Keep writing!!!

Ah, Jasmin pointed out some good things. Word choice is very important when you are trying to make the reader feel, so read over and consider how you can make your words more powerful, but with as little use of adjectives as possible.

I have to disagree and say that I didn't like the repetition, only because, what did it add to the poem? What did it achieve? In my opinion, nothing. Repetition should be done to create some kind of affect, this didn't do that [for me].

I liked your third stanza the mosts, I think, but even then I think you could use more powerful words, and do more to create feelings of pain and emotion.

As it stands, this poem is OK, but you want to bring the reader into it more. Why are you feeling like this? We don't know, so we can't relate, and we can't really understand it. We also can't feel with you, and a good poem will make the reader feel. Maybe add something [or rewrite it?] so we understand why you are hurting. But don't tell us either, you do a lot of telling. Show us. Use imagery and the senses to spice it up.

This reminded me of Taub-Stumm-Blind although, why, I'm not sure? hah.

I'll probably be slaughtered for this, but I reckon most writers have issues. If they didn't, they probably wouldn't be able to write very well.
I wasn't too keen on the start of this.I'm not entirely sure about the use of "Blind" etc, though I see what you're trying to do. I'd try to come up for some other description for pain, other than "red hot", which isn't overly original.
I really enjoyed the third stanza, the imagery was good here. I think I'd use a different word instead of "unkindly" though, something stronger, as this word weakend the overall effect of the verse. The fourth stanza was great.
I liked the sixth stanza, especially "mute in the darkness". I felt the next stanza was a little weak by comparison.Your imagery was weaker, and "hidden within their hearts" was a little stale.
The next stanza was a little weak too. "Weeping for mercy" wasn't all that fresh, and I think I'd change the first two lines to:
Whispering in the silence,
Bound by the secrets.
I like the ending. It was chilling and powerful and concise.
Hope this helps.

Ouchie!

That's not very reverent, but... I thought this was good; it created the scene well. Too well, hence said "ouchie!"

I liked the repetition and capitalization of "Bound" "Bleeding" "Blind" and "Ignored". Others might tell you different, but I liked those things a lot.