In the park
Abandoned under the moonlight,
There was no one.
In the sky,
Bright constalations twinkling
Like diamonds that can fly.
In the large water fountain
The night's reflection stared.
it had a look of lonliness,
it seemed glad that I was there.
In the fresh night air
The cricket's song was ringing.
Soon the sun would rise,
It's light it would be bringing.
Down the moonlit path i walk,
Enjoying the dark of night.
I went home before sunrise
Bringing all it's light.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there. Just risen from the dead and off to reviewing. Pardon for my mistakes, reviewing after a long time. Off we go then.
You might want to check the spelling of constellations. Really like the imagery over here but it could have been better. Stars referred to as diamonds is a bit too clichéd, isn’t it?
Again check the spelling of loneliness. And you might to capitalize it after the period looks a little odd because you have capitalized words everywhere else.
Trying too hard to rhyme? “The cricket's song was ringing” doesn't seem right. Song, ringing? Could think of something better to go over there.
Maybe you would want to capitalize the I as you are referring to yourself. Enjoying the dark night, maybe? Of just doesn't feel right.
This last line was sudden. Wasn't expecting this. Totally out of reference.
The whole idea of the poem was pretty good but it could have been better. There was a lot of space for strong imagery, and do not try to force the rhymes, let the words flow in your own way, a poem doesn't exactly need to be rhymed always.
Let me know if you have any queries.
Hey, ShadowsGirl9! So let's get cracking, shall we?
So I noticed you had a well-defined rhyme scheme in the last three stanzas, and there was a kinda rhymey thing going on in the second stanza as well. But your first stanza was missing this. I'm no good at adhering myself to rhyme-schemes either, but I felt like pointing this out because there's obviously an intended attempt at rhyming in the last few stanzas. They feel quirky, and the first stanza feels comparatively... flat. I'm not trying to be harsh or anything, but I feel you could improve the first stanza. The opening needs to be like a net. It has to catch you, and I mean LITERALLY catch you. Enrapture you, trap you, whatever. You know what I mean. I like how you call the park "abandoned" under the moonlight, but the part where you say "there was no one" seems rather unnecessary, since abandoned already conveys to us that the park was empty.
There were a couple of minor typos here and there, but DreamWork's already pointed out the nitpicks that needed to be nitpicketed. I can see you're new, so you should probably know that nitpicks are what we refer to minor errors that any writer can make, and it's always happening to all of us, no matter how good anyone is.
I liked how you described the scene, and it's definitely a poem that has potential, but it looks like you've rushed it. Pour feeling into it, make it come alive! You know you can do it! Your use of personification hit me, the way you defined Night's reflection as staring into the fountain. It created thrilling imagery, it really did.
So keep writing! And don't let us Muggles get you down!
Digital cookies,
~Pompadour
Hi there, The first thing I noticed, when reading your poem, I felt quite calm with the tone of voice. There are only a few typos here.
1. constalations- constellations
2. lonliness- loneliness
Nice description, but I think you should add some more lines to make it clear.
Love the 'constellations twinkling' but 'like a diamonds can fly' its look a bit odd. I mean, what does it means by saying 'can fly?'
Here, I wanna point up on punctuation. Also, this is my favorite part.
Part at the end of the poem is also needs to be improved in terms of the use of punctuation. The rest looks very attractive and enthralling. Overall, I see the potential here!
Kudos, cheers.
I like the simplicity of it. It is to the point but isn't missing any of the descriptions needed to complete it. As for minor details I would like to say that the main thing I want to point out is that while it does get to the point and is descriptive I would almost put a few more descriptive words in there. I wasn't sure if you were going to a rhyming poem but that's how it came across to me, if it was than you hit the mark but if it wasn't I would alter a few of the words and flourish them out. I love the beginning of it with using the word abandoned and that you set the scene the way you did. Over all it was good and you should keep writing, I am interested to see some more of your works.
Sorry I refreshed the page and it reposted.