Removed

Hi there!

I don't have much of a review for you to be honest, because I enjoyed it so much. The premise of this is pretty cool and you've definitely grabbed my interest. There's just a few things I wanted to mention here.

First off, I don't think this is childish at all. Maybe to you it seems like it, but I think it's very well written. And I'm glad that you've come back to it! It's definitely hard to come back and work on something that you've trashed. I sure hope it all works out.

I there sat staring at it not sure as to why I was the only one in here

'There' and 'sat' should be switched

One thing that I'm left wondering about is where your MC (do we learn their name? I don't think we do. If we do, I missed it...) was before she was here at this school. She passed the entrance exam which means that she was once somewhere else. Did she come here from "normal school" or is there a school that feed into this one? Like, a School of Ninja Prep? :3 I guess I'm just looking for a little hint of what her life was like before this. I don't think it needs to be in complete detail here in the first chapter since it's only the beginning, but a mention of it would be nice. Just enough for us to understand how the MC got here. Then you can go into detail in later chapters.

My eyes widened a fraction but the computer caught the movement and the face shifted into a younger version of the man and smiled slightly.

I found this interesting. The way it's written, it sounds like the computer can detect something so little like her widening her eyes. This is definitely a technology savvy place. What I don't really understand though, is why the person on the screen changed. If she hadn't been surprised would it have stayed as the old man? I guess there's a reason why it changed, but I don't know what it is. Is there a way that you can work that explanation into the chapter somewhere? If not don't worry about it, it's not super important. I know sometimes things just don't fit where we, the readers, want them to. And I always want to know every single little thing about characters and everything around them when I read so it's probably me just being my over curious self anyway xD

While the kid looked like he could have done nothing to save his life it was a trait among fellow Ninja’s to pick a Newbies room and fake being lost using whatever their specialty was to disarm the Newbie and get them distracted long enough for them to fail their test.

First off, this should be two different sentences. You can break after 'life', I think that would work well. Second, the way the rest of this sentence is written is a bit confusing. I think it's because you used the word 'trait'. A trait is literally something that makes up someone. Like caring, mean, or loud. I think the word you want to use is 'tradition' or something along those lines. The Ninjas do this every year to some poor Newbie(s) just trying to pass the test. That's more of a tradition, an ongoing prank. Oh, and thirdly, I'm a bit lost with your description of the boy. It says that he couldn't have done anything to save his life, but his life doesn't need saving right now? Did you mean by that that he is skinny and weak and doesn't look like a fighter? I think I'd appreciate that description over one that would leave so much for me to figure out, because I might have the wrong picture in my mind.

Admittedly, nothing really happens in this chapter. It is the first chapter though, so I expected it. I mean, things happen, but it's just your MC meeting Stuart. The real action is going to start in the next chapter when they try to get Stuart into that room. It's cool that your MC is helping him because I was so sure that they were going to write him off and let him figure it out himself. I see a budding friendship here ^_^

You've done a good job setting up the story. We know the MC, know what they want to achieve, know where they are, know what's going on (to an extent). Everything that there should be in an opening chapter is here. At least, everything I think is needed. One thing I would've like though, is getting to at least know what the gender of your MC is. I might've missed it if there was a subtle clue, but I didn't see anything anywhere. It would actually add a lot to the story just by that. People actually assume a lot based on the gender of a character. For example, I don't know what gender your character is (like I said, duh Noelle), but I'm assuming that they are a girl. Why? Because they seem to be caring despite their determination to do well with this test. They also talk softer than I'd think a male would. Females and males are seen differently so knowing a gender would add another dimension to this first chapter.

If there was one thing I think you could improve upon here, it would have to be the backstory. It is just the first chapter, yes, but some of these things had to have brought back old memories for your MC. At this part for example:

I was inside my own head, watching the memories but not so much so as to not see his astonishment.

Why not pull out some of those memories and expand upon them? Maybe just a paragraph or two showing us what your MC's life was like before they were here. Keep that in mind for the next few chapters, yeah?

Let me know when you post the next chapter! I'll gladly come back and read more.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**