Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Author note: This was basically a fleshed out version of a role play i had with a friend and two others who jumped in a few times, but as you might notice, its mainly between me and another friend. Just putting this up here to ask if this should be continued and added onto, or stay as a one shot deal.
Three friends who are bored beyond bored decide they need a journey. When Devora suggests going to the underworld Chrisic and Amara agree and they set off for an adventure that no mortal should be allowed on. Good thing they weren't mortal.
"How are we even going to get to the underworld? Its not like we can just magically summon a boat." Chrisc asks skeptically. He looks over at Devora and sees her large grin and questions her. "Can we?" He asks Devora simply laughs some more and waves her hand.
The sky darkens and the road they had been walking on cracks open violently, throwing Chrisic and Amara onto the sidewalk that ran parallel to it. The road filled with a dark, fast churning water. The water slows as a boat comes to pass, Devora grabs it and hails it onto the remainder of the road.
"Well, what are you waiting for? Lets go now!" Devora exclaims as she hops into the boat and grabs a paddle, waiting for the others. She watches as they pick themselves off the ground and look at each other. Assessing the reality that had presented itself to them. Chrisic hook shots Into the boat
"Lets go!" Chrisic yells, pulling the reluctant Amara along onto the boat. Devora pushes the boat off the road and begins to paddle the road closing behind them as the river tilts further down, soon they were watching the road close above them.
They all watch as the quiet black water churn beneath the slowly moving boat. The ride ends only half an hour later when it creeps onto a black pebbly land
"Wooo were here. Adventure time! So. Where to first? There are the plains of punishment, elysium, Hades palace, judgment row, and a few areas I don't know of." Devora says, listing off the areas of the underworld she knew of that were safer for a mortal to visit.
"Let's go into the plains of punishment then from there into the unknown! Because adventure and discovering is fun!" Chrisc said, looking around as if he would be able to see it. Devora pushes Chrisic and gets a head start
"Im gonna beat you there!" Devlra states. Her small legs covering more ground than most would think possible. Chrisic turns and grabs a scooter from the store he spotted mere moments before. An older demon not even bothering to yell at him for not paying for it. Chrisc passes Devora easily on his new scooter.
"See ya there!"
"Not for long!"
Devora grabs the small whistle she always has and blows it. Her grin growing as the ground trembles slightly. Grabbing the collar of a passing cerberus, Devora passes Chrisic as easily as he had moments ago. Chrisic looks at the scoot he stole and searches for something.
"Time to kick this into...Full drive!"
Chrisic presses a button that reveals turbo boosters fueled by the lost souls and speeds up as the flames burst out the back
"Well shit"
Cerberus spooks and skids to a halt, throwing Devora from his back.
"Guess I can use this now." She whispers as black bat wings explode from her back, she resumes the chase.
"Hmm... It doesn't seem like either of us are faster at this moment." He presses another button that throws him into the air, the scooter transforms into a motorcycle with two more boosters. A helmet is also placed on Chrisic's head "Can't be too careful." Chrisic declares sarcastically.
Im the distance, an older man shakes his fist in an angry fashion, sporting nothing but a loincloth.
"You kids!! Slow down you hooligans!" He cries out, his voice barely even making it to the duo.
Devora levels out and flies above Chrisic replying to him just as sarcastically, noticing the older man.
"Safety is very important here ain't it. Wouldn't wanna join the dead out here. Watch the harpies." Devora warns as she dives out of the way.
Chrisic dodges the harpies stealthily, keeping up pace with Devora and her bat wings.
"Oh shit. You know who we forgot..." Devor a beings she looks back to see a lonesome tiger running steadily behind them. Keeping pace and dodging obstacles easily
"...nevermind then, were here anyways"
The older man mutters something about kids these days and proceeds to wash his only loincloth in the River Styx.
Seeing this, Devora lands quietly behind him and pauses. pushes the old man into the river. "teach you to wash in the River Styx." She says as she turns and returns to Chrisic
Chrisic looks behind for a brief second noticing the tiger, returning his gaze to the path in front of him in order to keep from crashing getting also a glimpse of the older man being pushed into the river.
"You might need to keep me on course.." Chrisic gives a quick wink in the older man's direction before speeding up again.
Devora barrels into a few ghosts while trying to burn the image from her mind.
"Weird dead demigods doing their laundry down here." She says shaking her head, apologizing to the ghosts she had just plowed through.
"Well.. They have lives as well believe it or not.. I suppose." Chrisic comments as he continues on the course, noticing some hostile demons in the distance.
Devora turns and watches as the hostiles get closer. She opens a small void and pulls out her weapons out.
"This should be entertaining." She whispers as she twists her wrist, forcing the whips into a circle.
"Oh great... Enemies." Chrisic sighs as he leans to the side and reaches into the pockets on the motorcycle. Pulling out two pistols, putting the vehicle into autopilot mode and taking aim at the faster approaching enemies.
Devora shifts a small lever on the handles of the whip and twirls them, listening to the song of thousands of blades as they slide out. She gives a quiet laugh and charges after them.
Chrisic fires the first few shots at some of the closer demons. some of the bullets penetrating the muscle like flesh of the demons easily, and others begin deflected by the small costs of armor that had been placed around inconvenient places. Seeming to have Agitated the wild beasts, they begin to fire back with their own dark powers, some taking on the form of fire.
Devora on the other hand lashes at some of the beast who have gotten too close. Slicing off a few limbs and only injuring the others. The autopilot of the motorcycle proved ineffective against the Demons attacks and is struck. Chrisic rolls off the motorcycle before it explodes in a ball of dust and shrapnel.
Devora backs up till the two were back to back, lashing out with whips and bullets watching as slowly. More and more beasts appear. The joy drains out of her, fear trickling between the cracks in her determination
“Ha! I cant die. For my name is Devora!” She screams “Daughter of Thanatos! Queen of wolves! And your last shadow!” her fight seems to return momentarily as her whips find more targets and remove more limbs and flesh from the demons that were surrounding them.
Devora watches helplessly as Chrisic is dragged from her back and into a crowd of demons, appearing to have fallen. A blue flash ignites the area and the demons who had been touching him drop to the ground as dust. From within the dust, Chrisic stands with his scythe blades, attached to the gauntlets on his arm. He looked up ever so slightly with a smirk appearing across his face he speaks
“I'm not easily taken down you filthy beasts…”
Devora gives a shaky laugh as she feels the ground throb in response to the blood being spilt.
“Oh shit.” She says, her laughter cuts off as the ground cracks and begins to split apart. she grabs Chrisic and takes off, ignoring the strain of carrying him. Once she is high enough Devora can see the hordes of monsters that had been headed towards them.
“Maybe this wasn't such a good idea…”
Chrisic’s attention is drawn to the ground where the ground had begun to split, the large crack appearing as if from nowhere beginning to shrink as he is carried away by his companion. His weapons contract and minimize into regular gauntlets and seem nothing out of the ordinary
“It would have been, if we had better experience in the "demon fighting" department.” Chrisic spouted.
Devora gives a quick smirk
“Well if my full form did not produce so much misamis that it would kill you...I would have stayed longer.” looks down at Chrisic and gives a wolfish grin “Wanna go again?”
“We should probably find others.. This is hardly manageable by ourselves in my opinion.” Chrisic stares up at Devora, a slight smirk of accomplishment could be read on his face clearly. “I think we've learned what we needed to for now…”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Heyyooooo Shadow!! I'm so glad that this edit of our RP/Story thing is getting good feedback! I'm really excited to continue with it to see how it develops and becomes an awesome story!
Lol your phot shows up the same as haywireimagination's photo XD lets give all these guys a good story then if its getting good feedback
Haywire here! I'm going to be nit picky for the first time ever. Okay. Here goes.
I like the story.
I found a few grammar mistakes here.
-Wooo[!/,] we[']re here!
-Chrisic hook shots Into the boat (What?)
-begins to paddle[,] the road closing behind them as the river tilts further down[.] [S]oon they were watching the road close above them.
-Devlra (Devora)
-safety is very important here[,] ain't it?
There's some more, but I'm not your English teacher. This is a place for fun. Just watch the contraction we're. That's the biggest mistake. Keep roleplaying, this is one of the best rp-generated story I've heard!
Indeed, as i said up in the authors note (i think) this is mainly just posted here so i could get feedback on whether or not i should continue this and since i have, it looks like i will have to put all those nit picks into place. Thanks for the help
This sounds like it was an awesome RP!
This should be in the past tense, not present, plus there should be a full stop.Right, so I think the main strength in this piece is the dialogue; as this was built on an RP, the speech is the thing you would have (I assume) taken almost directly from it. I'd say no staged conversation can really emulate a really conversation completely, so this gives the characters a very human quality in their speech.
Now, this the area where I put all the nitpicks- petty as they seem, they'll help a bunch when it comes to other pieces.
Capital letter on 'she', plus the present tense has gotten muddled with the past again.
This is across quite a bit of the work, so maybe work a little on your grammar. Add those full stops, change those capitals, etc.
Thanks for the nitpicks lol. I'm making changes to it, but i was curious if you would give an opinion on if i should continue this. It dosen't have a lot to it and so i'm unsure if this is suitable book material
I think that any idea can be made into something great. If you have enough enthusiasm with the idea, go for it.
Thank you very much! I will see what i can do then
Now, let me start off with saying that this was very imaginative and interesting to read. You made sure to hold my attention, and I found that it was fun to look over! (It even kinda reminded me of the Percy Jackson series for some reason, haha.) You also had some humor in there (the man with the loincloth! xD) which also makes me happy, 'cos I love when stories have a touch of comedy to them, but at the same time not too much.



You do have some grammar mistakes in there, but nothing that you couldn't easily fix
There is a phrase that says, "Assesing the reality that has been presented to them. Chrisic hook shots Into the boat."
I'm not quite sure what you mean by this statement. You have a period where I think (?) there is supposed to be a comma, a random capital in the middle of the sentence, and something about a hook being shot into the boat..? It is confusing to the readers to what you're trying to say.
I noticed that you also kept using the word 'lets' instead of 'let's' or 'let us'. It was just a minor mistake.
Additionally, I noticed that Amara seems reluctant to get on the boat, but you never quite explain why. She never really speaks at the beginning, so we never know why she would feel this way. To us, it seems that they have all agreed to go on an adventure, so it was perplexing when you say this.
Amara not only is reluctant to go, but when they get there, she never gets off with her two companions! Or if she did, we never find out. What happend to her? It seemed as though she just disappeared from the story line.
You switch from present to past tense and then back to present tense in some parts, and you're also missing commas and your spellings a little off, but I think with a quick glance back over, you could correct them
You say that your characters are not human, but you never clarify what they are or even what they look like. All we know is that Devora has short legs and black bat wings (or well, that was what I had found), but you never take the time to tell us this important information.
At one point, there are demons coming after them, but why? Is it because of the ruckus they caused?
There is a tiger running after them at a time in the story, but you never tell us who or what it is, which is a little puzzling. Is it Amara, who it turns out is a shapeshifter..? And then it disappears again, and we don't have any more time to ponder!
I think that both you and your friend have a very wild imagination, haha! It was very interesting to read, but next time I think it would be better just to read it carefully once more to cut out some silly mistakes
Indeed, Amara is the tiger, although i apologize that it wasnt obvious enough lol. It was too me since she was role playing with us XD. Thanks for the help, but i was curious if you could give me an opinion on if this should be continued, if its story material...
I think you should. In my opinion, this story has a lot of potential to become even more exciting
Thanks so much, I will tell my friends and see if we cant start something amazing